just breathe...

two words that i have been trying to teach myself for several moths now.

it hasnt been the easiest two years of my life.

let me think, what have i done lately?

oh, left my job at the top of the corporate ladder, left my kids in my home country, shoved all my "essentials" in two pieces of luggage and a hand carry and bought myself a first class ticket to join the love of my life in a country that is famous for having depressing weather.

not for the faint of heart.

i used to believe that i am a strong, brave, badass bitch. but this big move has definitely shaken me to the core of my being. not just once. but many, many times, with varying intensities. it's like experiencing an earthquake on top of a high rise building. trying to duck, find cover and pray at the same time. while also texting loved ones and checking twitter if indeed that was an earthquake you just felt. and like an earthquake, there are aftershocks. many. some when you think that it's already safe to go out of your safe place, it will shake so hard it really makes you thinks your life is over, or you wish it were over.

so many times these last few years that i thought nothing good can come out of my predicament at that moment.many times i toyed the thought of standing over a ledge, or on one of the pillars of erasmus bridge. to escape the feeling of despair, defeat, loneliness and just plain hopelessness.

my thoughts became so dark that i think Rik would get scared if he only got a change to take a peak on what's brewing inside...

i've searched far and wide, looking for answers, looking for explanations, and just plain looking for a way out.

but you know, the way out is really fixing the stuff inside... the stuff that i forgot to take care of over the years. i knew deep down that it was equally important. but i think being given a relatively easy life lately, i  let go of being mindful, prayerful and just being plain aware that i am indeed blessed.

so far, i am slowly charting my way back to finding myself, caring for the inner me. so that i can better take care of others. be a better person, partner, parent and all around human being.

i have also braved the wilderness of making new friends... i think it's about time. i cannot keep on just being with rik or his family. i needed to try harder. for myself. for my sanity.

and now as i sit here on one of the dining table chairs, reflecting on what my life has been since the big move, i cant help but be overwhelmed with so much emotions. but i think the strongest of all would be the feeling of just being proud of myself. 

that i am still here.

still standing or at least trying to stand tall.

still with a cheerful albeit quivering with fear heart

still ready to show and give kindness even when my circumstances havent been the most ideal. kindness because i always keep it in my pocket.

still ready to find hope in every morning. to show up. to report to life. scratches, bruises, crutches and all.

i have taken the long way. but i know i am almost there...

breathe...

Dropping a line to say Hi to 2015 me

three years after my last entry...
my, oh my... how life has changed.

i went through my old blog entries...
no mater how many times i have read it over the past couple of years going in and out of this website, it stlill gives me that familiar feeling of amusement, mixed with a bit of melancholy, a bit of pride... and for some few entries, a bit of confusion.

this blog really proves that time dilutes most, if not all feelings...
i remember seeing a picture of me in my mind, tapping vigorously at the keyboard, noisy as always, feeding all my emotions into my post. doing my best tp describe my usual foggy thoughts & tumultuous dispostiion

fast forward to a couple of years, i cannot even find a remote memory of what i was talking/dramatizing about. and i sure as hell know that i thought back then it was the most important thing. and something that will forever be etched in my memory.

guess what, 2015 me... it's gone now. whether you want to remember or not.... it's gone.

i guess the brain is such a beautiful self-maintaining machine. such sophisticated IOS
deleting stuff that won't serve you well in the future. trying to free up space for more good things, good thoughts and good memories to come....

and to be honest, it's been a good life since then.
after that feeling of being lost, of being in limbo, of being dead inside...
i just really needed to become barren.
probably to kill every bit of toxicity that has grown in my mind and in my heart for those last couple of years.
i had to purge it all away. kill everything so that i can start anew. so that good things can start to grow under all that rubble
and that was exactly what happened.

when i read all the entries that i have written ever since i started this blog, i only have brief memories of everything. of how it was always on the verge of crashing down, all my attempts at happiness & love. there was so much drama and pain and hurt.
in my attempt to get what i want the most, i didn't realize that loving has to start within.

most of my (mis)adventures all led me to heartbreak. to that point wherein i never got chosen. never given much value. never became good enough.

but maybe, i allowed all of it to happen. i unknowingly gave people permission to treat me badly, because i thought i was already damaged/imperfect/good for whatever is left for me then.... and that led me through a number of years and relationships of being deprioritized by the people that i gave so much importance to.

i suffered a lot. yes.
but thankfully, i graduated from a the mess as well.

my life is so much different now.
my heart is overflowing with gratitude for this beautiful life that never ceases to amaze me on a daily basis.

a ghost in the coffeeshop

Dont get me wrong...
i'm over him. a long. time. ago.

i felt hurt, so many times over and over with this person.
and probably in one of the corners of my sick mind, i am able to look past that.
and see the other side of our history.

how we pretty much have the same wavelength
laugh at the same jokes
like the same stuff
and for a little while back there, we thought we found the real thing.

but then, i have to look at the past squarely in the face
and not through honey-glazed stares
it wasn't good, heck, it wasn't fair.
yes, it was probably not intentional, but still this heart of mine did suffer a couple of bruises. and cuts.

it has healed obviously.
and got to be in a better condition than how he left it.

and i think, because of that, i am able to look at him in the eye without bitterness
without hate
without wishing him ill fate

bad things had to happen
hurt had to take place

i am who i have chosen myself to be right now.
i have found so many new treasures mainly because of how i have meta morphed into the new me

his part in my life is over. my life is not.

post penang

i have to try
to learn to be happy again...

a year ago, i started this journey
and i would like to believe that I succeeded.
with flying colors.
until I met you.

i have to try
to walk with my own two feet again
and it makes me cringe at the thought
that i feel dismembered
after such a brief encounter

a week ago, i started to think that maybe
i can find it in my heart
to be less afraid
to be less guarded
to be less analytical

i have to try
to be brave
to face whatever might come out of this
too old to hide under the sheets
if it's not worth getting an upset stomach over
it's not worth it, right?

this should've been a happy day.
two words. SHOULD. HAVE.

but it's not.
turns out, the one thing that's making me happy is turned inside out by another person.
meaning my MOM.

knowing

you know you're in love when you wake up way before your alarm goes off

when you can't wait to jump out of bed, take a shower and stand for an eternity in front of your closet

deciding

whether to go classic corporate, sweet conservative or girl next door white shirt ripped jeans kinda girl

half of the time you're anticipating how his eyes will light up the moment he sees your look

and how hard he'll try to come up with a wordy compliment without sounding like an over eager adolescent.

(he has to keep the cool guy persona, of course.)

you know you're in love when your makeup is him

the blush is courtesy of thoughts of him and you running through your head,
the first time you locked your gazes with each other,
the first time you hesitantly reached out to touch him,
the first time you said yes without the use of words...
the first few moments of sweet surrender...
yup, those lines of thought can definitely make you blush down to your toes

your eye makeup is perfect, putting that flattering crease at the corners of your eyes whenever you smile, which is quite often these days

your strobing technique to make that skin on your face glow on all the right places?
it is a reflection of his beam  of light on your face,
he is the sunrise and the sunset rolled into one, anyway
your lipstick is that exact shade of crimson as a result of constant biting of the lips to keep yourself from smiling too damn much 

your hair is perfectly arranged in disarray
combed expertly by his fingers, in a fashion so sexy yet so exclusive only to you

and your cologne... pheromones... concentrated. customized.
just. for. HIM.

you know you're in love when you can't wait for everyone important in your life to meet him

and to hear them loving the same things you actually fell for.

and when he had to go back home,

you know you're in love when geographical lines blur in insignifance

that 12000 miles is just a number 

and LDR is a perfectly functional arrangement

when time zones are but a matter of perspective, you get the sun, he gets the moon,

tomorrow you're gonna do a swap, you're both under the same sky, anyway

and when you start believing that weeks and months have wings.

and you convince yourself that yes, they will fly by

you know you're in love when everytime you hear the word Seat Sale,

you imagine it is God's voice giving you His blessing to pack your bags and go see him

you know you're in love when airplane is a tool of getting nearer to him

and oceans are just bodies of water

viber, whatapp, imessage is a gift of the heavens

you know you're in love when you'd rather go home early than go out on a seemingly harmless dinner with a "friend" because you'd rather eat alone than have the risk of running into someone who might mistake you for being unfaithful

you know you're in love when you hate the people who can see him on a daily basis,
even those people who accidentally brushes past him on his way to work, the subway, the gym,
the newspaper stand, or the guy who serves him his morning coffee in his favorite starbucks.
you hate those faceless, nameless people
but you would trade places with in a heartbeat,
just to be in their shoes,
just to have the chance to be at arm's length with him again.

you know you're in love when you leap to his defense the moment your friends start questioning
his motives,
his character,
his sense of humor,
his unbelievably perfect physique,
his opinions,
your seemingly new opinions,
your compatibility with each other,
your loyalty to him

you stop thinking of him as a person, but as a part of you.

and somehow, you develop the need to protect him

you know you're love when that brilliant brain of yours stops working and becomes alien to logic

and you start becoming best friends with the tooth fairy, peter pan, santa claus, the genie in the bottle.....

and you start hoping again, praying that this time,

this round belongs to you

of course, you have no way of knowing if this is your happily every after

but one thing's for sure....

you know you're in love when you leave your cynical self in the past..

you know you're in love when once again, you start believing...
in forever...

deadly

you know that lull...
that slightest throb in the hollows of your heart? not really that much of a sting to make it a legit ache.
sometimes, it's there... tugging at you. making your insides feel a little bit heavier than usual
like gum sticking on your shoe, making your steps seem like that of a slow motion scene in a movie.

sometimes, you can't even seem to remember which exact part of your heart you felt it.
and you wonder...
if you ever just made it up in the first place.
like maybe it's a product of being overly dramatic 

you stare across the second floor of a busy coffeeshop, yet you feel so alone
not that you want to be with anyone in particular
but you know you're displaced

if only you can work your magic in installing that inner compass. the way you maneuver through unfamiliar dark alleys and streets like how you do with your car, or how you put some system in other people's work, or your work at least
that is easier compared to this.
fuck.

that soul card reader had been consistently seeing roses everytime she looks at you
hell, even that chinky eyed man you vowed never to consult again said the same nice things are just around the corner for you...
or actually under your nose as we speak

you don't know whether you're just stupid, blind, deaf, unfeeling, unsensing, looking at the wrong places or just plain dead inside.
where's the unicorn? the sally frank in my sticker book of real life?
when did the music stop?
I go through the motions yet I feel that I am secretly just waiting for that moment when everything will fall into place.
I look at faces yet I really don't see people.
just abstracts floating in and out of my periphery

the throb is there again. tonight.
of all nights. when I should be doing something important. like work. 
before I fly off to my vacation.

yup. it is there. making it's presence known
making it harder for me to breathe and feel light headed.
and I am kind of fearful. because I am alone in my thoughts right now.

thanks to Manila traffic, i'm still here in the metro jungle.

trying my best to function

i haven't been writing.... obviously.
maybe it's because my thoughts are so shifty... I can't get a hold of them myself.
whether that's good or bad, i don't know.

but i guess at this point, i am in a generally happy place...
i'm saving my blog entry for the stories that I have coming from my month-long amazing workation.
full of highs, very little of the lows. to say that it was a chapter of my life that I never ever, ever, ever imagined would happen is very much close to the truth.

today, i am taking a step back from the daily grind (as if i'm back long enough to be in it)

trying to squeeze in 

the coming of a conclusion...

Almost three months ago, I was sitting in this exact table...cramming to finish my e-cornell requirements. And someone was making sure i don't sleep through it. Despite being physically apart, he made sure I felt his presence...

But then he's gone now. just. like. that.

And I guess I allowed my self to be in limbo for quite a while. Just taking all in. Refusing to grow up because I know that this isn't a simple douchebaggery episode.

And as I was flipping the pages of my spiral, i chanced upon two entries that I scribbled while I was with him...


Here goes...


thursday.
At wit's end
Not knowing where this is gonna lead me
If this is yet another dark end
or another cliff.

To say that i'm scared like hell. Not even.
Acting as if my heart is already whole
As if nothing happened short of three months ago
I'm not yet even over the Popoy timeline
Yet here I am, risking my heart again
Trippin' over my feet to offer it to a stranger
Hoping against hope that things will be
different this time around.

Is it a sin to have too much optimism
or
Is it a sin to having too much stupid

there were moments where I stop myself in midway
Finding myself in the same situation
Uncanny
Only this time around, the characters are different
The house- on the other side of the city

When will I ever learn??

friday.
I wanna be with you
Such a beautiful morning seems like a waste
if spent apart from you

Here I go again
third gearing on us.
dangit.


- THE END-

the investigative journey out of square one

13 days... i actually don't even know exactly where to start counting... at what day? a few more days from now, a few more weeks, months... it may take a whole lot longer than that...

being as old as I am, I have developed the habit of doing a post evaluation of almost all of the significant things that has happened in my life. because I know whether good or bad- there is a lesson. Something that I can take away from the crime scene. If it was good, I would need to know what made it work, what clinched the deal, what were the prerequisites... so that i can make a repeatable model out of of it. If it was bad, I would usually attack it like how a pack of wolves would pound on a coven of vampires. I am more inquisitive, more anal, more annoyingly going back and forth on the the accounts... I would want to know if my take away is true and correct- without a shadow of a doubt. At this point, I guess you can deduce that it is in my character to be extremely hard on myself. If you did, you are correct. When I make a misstep, a blame myself even in my sleep. because Im thinking, by this time, I should have been more careful, should have made smarter choices, culled the good from the ungood with more ease.... But sitting where I am right now and figuratively looking at a blank wall after so much time have elapsed, it just makes it all the more clear to me....

I am not much nearer to learning what I needed to learn to take me farther away from square one....

You meet people everyday, some new, some you've seen practically all your life. In your seemingly mundane life, you dont realize but you are constantly presented with choices... Sometimes you think you know enough about people, but when they pull a rabbit out of the hat... you find out you dont really know them at all... Much worse, you start believing that you dont know yourself that much after all...After the endless trips and falls, you start thinking if and when hope will finally run out. Because it seems that maybe, things right now are already as good as it gets... That maybe, maybe....

You should start convincing yourself to drop the search... chuck the dream... stop believing...

a piece of my mind for someone who had a piece of my heart...

I want you to read carefully. And please keep this in the forefront of your mind. All the time.

1. WHAT HAPPENED TO US IS OVER A LONG TIME AGO. Leave it in the past. To be completely honest about it, most of my memories of us are already a blur. For your enjoyment, I'll admit, I cried a lot for the first three days... But that was it. For the succeeding days and weeks, i snapped out of it, as if on cue. Now, what happened to us seemed like it never happened at all. Like a hazy dream in a different dimension. No, i dont reminisce if that's what you're thinking. I am busy making my own happy memories now. And dont think that I'm forcing it. Cold as it may sound, but that's really how it has been for quite a while now. I HAVE MOVED ON. Whether you want to acknowledge it or not.

2. I AM NOT ON A DATING FRENZY. No, i am not crazed to find a replacement of you. Bec frankly, i really dont want that. Not someone like you, anyway. And if you know me well enough like how you claim, you know that i dont go out with other guys just for the heck of it. I will never do anything that might jeopardize my self-worth and reputation. I hate wasting time. So whoever it is that I'm seeing right now definitely means a lot to me.

3. DO NOT PITY ME. I walked into our relationship with both eyes open. I know I was the third party, the dispensable part of the equation. That's a given. The integrity of your words may have been in question for one or more instance back then, but i never stopped believing in you and in us when we were together. The moment i learned about the dynamics of everything that needed to be considered, I made a decision for myself. No,  our ending was not your call. But if you wanna delude yourself, go ahead. I acknowledge the litter that I was walking away from, both eyes open. Pity should be directed to the person who doesn't even know how stinky the pit that they have been in for the longest time. Woe to them. Or her, in this case. But not to me. 

I may have bought your promises of true love and commitment then. But that doesn't make me pitiful. It just means that i naturally believe in the goodness and integrity of people. Sometimes, it's just a case of encountering a bad apple every now and then. But not all hope is lost. Some people are still worth knowing. And trusting.

4. I AM HAPPY. And it would do you well if start believing it yourself because that is the plain truth. I am grateful for my place in the world right now. More and more I see the goodness of what brought me here, to all the events that led to this. The One above really is magnanimous. I used to think that good people get trampled upon by the ungood, but I guess He was in control the entire time... I wouldn't have this much appreciation to all the things that has been happening to me had I skipped all the lessons that I needed to learn from the year that was...

5. You may stop the occasional messaging. Starting NOW. It's not because it irritates me. Because it doesn't. Not anymore. It doesn't make my heart skip a beat. Not anymore. And neither does it put a smile on my lips. Not anymore. Now, I read it with eyes of indifference... It's just a number... A message from someone that I may have encountered in the past... not even friends. Not bec I'm hurting or still pinning for you. But just bec I dont want people like you to have a part in my life, however big or small.

6. STOP "thinking of my safety" every time we suffer from storms or what nots. Don't take out your super hero complex on me. Just find another damsel in distress, I'm sure you'll find one.. Dont worry about me and my kids. We are used to dealing with life on our own. We've seen worse storms in our lives, literally and otherwise. We have each other. We are gonna be more than okay.

7. And lastly, whatever you decide to do with your life is your prerogative. Whether we're both occupying the same space, or room or country at any given time, it wouldn't matter. Bec NOTHING will ever happen between the two of us. And even if your convoluted mind would like to think that should you miraculously grow some balls in this lifetime to leave that poor excuse of a relationship and pursue me again, that we can pick up from where we left off, please snap out of it. I will never take you back. Not now. Not in the future. Not ever. No anger or shame or guilt. It's just cause you dont exist for me anymore. 

As much as I have been trying to keep to myself this whole time, I feel that it is also my duty to set some things straight. 

This is not a mud slinging contest. I am not out for blood. Or revenge. Or vindication. Or to look for more allies. I also dont think I or "us" deserve any more airtime between your convo with our common friend.  Let's just please both go back to our original corners in the world and live it the best possible way that we can. 

Can you possibly cut off your right arm? an ancient love letter dated01.11.14

I guess this is it. I've been dreading this

day for months. Bec in the back of my mind, i kinda knew that you'd rather hurt me than her. I blame nobody. 

Thank you for being with me last year. I think you were handpicked for me. And He couldn't have chosen a better person to get me out of that hole. But then, being with you in this situation is like coming out of one and going in another. 

I love you. Please dont ever doubt that. I fought for you, for us. Last nov, i couldn't even imagine how i'd get through the holidays. That was one of lowest points in my life. I got scarred with what I had to  endure. And I did that for us. But i just cant go through that again. Sana maintindihan mo. 

Saying goodbye to you is so hard. It still brings me physical pain. If it were up to me, I would still wait for you to fix your life until next month. But you don't want that. So i have no choice but to accept our fate. 

I hope i see the day where i wont have to cry myself to sleep. And stop becoming catatonic. And start picking up my life again. 

I shouldn't have loved you this much in the first place bec you belong to someone else. But no regrets. 

I never called anybody Mahal, until you...

Take care of yourself. And her. 

I love you  

of trinkets and garbage....

I started this blog six years ago out of the need to have an avenue for venting my everyday musings... without having to bother my friends or family or the people around me with these matters...

And right now, in the middle of a highly mathematical meeting, - when I should have been listening, analyzing and throwing out my two cents, I tuned out- I chanced upon one of the oldest entries that i did. I can't seem to remember what I was ranting about at that time, the person who I was referring to or any other details about the entry... I feel like I'm reading about a young adult, seemingly knowing so much about the world, yet still very much like a little kid...

Some of the phrases gave me a time warp ride.... In a blink of an eye, it took me back to the exact spot,  the wind that blew on my hair and my face 6 years ago went by my way again... Made me remember on what it felt like to be young and vulnerable and... a lot of things I thought were buried in the past. but unlike now, I felt stoic... like an untouched spectator merely looking through a glass window as the scenes unfold... not even a tick of hurt... Numb. 

this is testament that TIME really can be your bestest best friend... the universal remedy to all the hurts and pains in the world. back then, I never thought that arriving in this state of mind is possible... Coming from a place that took me on the brink of craziness. Prolly it was just too much for a kid to handle. 

Having this kind of realization, I know that another 6 years down the line, when I read this entry, I'd still be shaking my head in disbelief as to how I never cease to be all-knowing.... :) Always thinking that I have accumulated enough knowledge already...

But in reality, we never really stop learning... never stop realizing... never stop finding new meaning in old things...
Although the good thing about taking a glance in the past from time to time, is that you get to appreciate everything that you have picked up along the way.... all the junk... and all the treasures... and the seemingly random stuff...
It makes up for a pretty colorful package :)

Resist the temptation to press the hyper speed button....

it's almost midnight.
and I should be finishing my presentation for tomorrow.... yet i'm not.
after spending too much time on the phone with the people i love the most, i am back to this silent corner.
thinking.speculating. being uptight over and over again (for the past hour or so...)

this limbo is killing me. 
slowly dampening the excitement that i have for life...

maybe. i should really just retreat
maybe I'm not built for this kind of sh*t
too much of a good girl. too boring.

im a few steps from retreating. to the safe zone.
where i can slowly find my way to get back up on my feet again.
because in reality, im just forcing myself to be in fighting form.

I guess i just have to admit that everything that can happen anytime soon is premature...

it is done....

finally, the truth right between my eyes...
in no way will i be able to miss it... or act as if i missed it...
all the lies finally coming together to make the story whole.
in this case the end, DID justify the means...


i couldnt wrap my head around the truth
how someone would heartlessly manipulate another's person's feelings. in this case, mine.
how someone could push all the right buttons, say the right words, project the right emotions to get the best of me.
i guess it's a toss up between pride, pompousness or just pure vanity.
how someone could totally have no regard to other people's feelings.

the last weekend before christmas ...

The past few weeks after that fateful Friday night had nothing been a blur for me...
Everything happened so fast, yet strangely, so slow...


I have been running around trying my best to function normally, at the least most of the time, 
I couldn't find the energy to get out of bed every morning. 
The typical cant-sleep-at-night that follows a break-up never happened. I'd usually just have enough time to wash-up and read the tweets in bed, and before I know it.... zzzzzz. it's LA-LA land for me....


Sometimes, my dreams are haunted, like how I used to live my life when we were together.
The only difference is that its more hazy this time around.


I used to live in fear- as in the OA kind of fear- every or every other moment within the day.
Fear of knowing that i had just been used all along... fear of feeling that I had been played once again...
I can go on all day with fear being the topic....
I used to eat fear for breakfast... :(
and believe me, IT being the heaviest meal of the day, ideally, is not at all a good idea....


I still get episodes of bawling and emo-ing inside the car, and most recently, while looking out through the airplane window....
I still get the aching, constricting feeling whenever I hear a certain song that we used to dance or sing along to, I see a particular food that we used to cook or pig out on, I chance upon a channel or show that we used to watch or just set as a background while cleaning the house....


I have a trunkload of memories.....
A lot of good, but in retrospect, most of them really bad- traumatic even....


I shared a life with him... or so i thought.
I was never hesitant in giving whatever I had in my possession.... the most valuable among all them was time.


Sometimes, I think that this ending would never have happened had i been more careful with my words....
But then again, looking back..... I knew in my heart that this was bound to happen....
US had really never been enough for you...


Living with him thinking that Id go as far as I can endure the pain was a stupid way of living....
I had been fully unfair to myself because I  never gave myself the chance to choose whether that was good enough for me or not...


the last weekend before christmas.... im sitting here on my favorite spot, watching as people scramble through the rush....


but i am calm.... am not in a hurry....


there are still so many things and thoughts that i have to run through my head....
i don't want to hurry anymore....


life gave me a chunkful to think about this time....
i need time and like what he said.... 
SPACE to allow the dust to settle down....

in limbo

i randomly surfed the net trying to numb my brain from the painful wave of memories engulfing me at the moment... then i saw my previous post. 4 months= same stupid dilemma


what could be worse than knowing you are still rooted at the same darn spot after all the awakenings and unmistakable revelations that you've seen?


what could be worse than knowing that the brilliant mind that God gave you still remain unused when it comes to your personal happiness (and misery)?


am still here.... in a trance.... after God knows how many cycles I've been into. still nursing that glimmer of hope in my heart that there could be a possible happily-ever-after in this story...


still caught up in the smoke of illusion... in the state of denial...


my heart constricts, my soul cries deeply..
i still ache, i still hurt, i still hope....

confusion is an understatement

Its day 8. Im probably the only slightly above average IQ'd person that i know who will be willing to be a part of this stupid arrangement.
I know that i deserve more than this, yet i cant seem to have the courage, hell, common sense, more like it to get off of this toxic pit.
Torn between being too stupid to face reality or too afraid to get away from it all... completely.
If i jst had at least a tenth of my brain properly functioning, i would have left this, him.
Yet i cant.
Couldnt pass up this last few fleeting moments of sharing a joke, eating a meal, taking a ride, waking up on the same bed in a really chilly room with him.
Everything for me had been special.
For him, its jst one of those things that jst happen.
And after findng abt all the lies and alibis that he had given me all these months, i still couldnt find it in my heart to hate him, much more feel indifference...
Hatred should probably be directed to me. For being stupid as hell...

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lesson learned

Attempt # 1: Asked him out to dinner
Yep, I got a so-so answer. Let's keep in touch within the week. Let's see what our sched permits. Nothing concrete. Nothing worth getting excited over. I deserved that.
I had thrown so many acidic words his way. The least tha tI could do is to be more understanding of his lack of interest. Dinner came. It was good. Just like before.
These are probably the things that time cannot dilute. the great chemistry that we have.
Attempt # 2: Aked him out to dinner (again)
This time, the answer was bound to drive away the weak of heart, the undecided.
No. he i did not give me any encouragements, nor he drove me away.
still, I deserved that.
But when the "day" came, i did not push the issue. I didn't want him to feel that I'm on the prowl. I want it so much, but if he's decided to not have me in his life, i'd let him be.
He called. He tried to make me leave my companions. He retreated and joined us instead.
He stayed. He was working, he looked tired, he looked restless. But, he stayed.
By the end of the night, I could sense the war going on inside his brain. i just couldn't pick out on what about exactly. He drove me to the parking lot. He asked if we can still stay. He waited.
And that was probably the high point of my life in a month....
Haven't been so glad hearing that he ACTUALLY still wants to be with me.
After everything.... all the dark days that I have lived through.
He explained his side, and I know too well that he was right.
I am a certified NUTCASE.
I made his life a living hell, with all my mood swings and bp moments.
He may look like he doesn't care, but it is not true....

Now, things have been reversed. He used to be the one to think of things and times where and when we'll hang out. Now, i can feel the hesitation on his part. He most probably is wary of giving me access in his life once again. I had the chance and i sort of blew it. I'd ask him a question yet I'd rather believe the malicious voices in my head.

I need some serious help. Badly.
I dont want to lose this chance again.
with or without encouragement, he cant get rid of me easily this time around....