deadly

you know that lull...
that slightest throb in the hollows of your heart? not really that much of a sting to make it a legit ache.
sometimes, it's there... tugging at you. making your insides feel a little bit heavier than usual
like gum sticking on your shoe, making your steps seem like that of a slow motion scene in a movie.

sometimes, you can't even seem to remember which exact part of your heart you felt it.
and you wonder...
if you ever just made it up in the first place.
like maybe it's a product of being overly dramatic 

you stare across the second floor of a busy coffeeshop, yet you feel so alone
not that you want to be with anyone in particular
but you know you're displaced

if only you can work your magic in installing that inner compass. the way you maneuver through unfamiliar dark alleys and streets like how you do with your car, or how you put some system in other people's work, or your work at least
that is easier compared to this.
fuck.

that soul card reader had been consistently seeing roses everytime she looks at you
hell, even that chinky eyed man you vowed never to consult again said the same nice things are just around the corner for you...
or actually under your nose as we speak

you don't know whether you're just stupid, blind, deaf, unfeeling, unsensing, looking at the wrong places or just plain dead inside.
where's the unicorn? the sally frank in my sticker book of real life?
when did the music stop?
I go through the motions yet I feel that I am secretly just waiting for that moment when everything will fall into place.
I look at faces yet I really don't see people.
just abstracts floating in and out of my periphery

the throb is there again. tonight.
of all nights. when I should be doing something important. like work. 
before I fly off to my vacation.

yup. it is there. making it's presence known
making it harder for me to breathe and feel light headed.
and I am kind of fearful. because I am alone in my thoughts right now.