the investigative journey out of square one

13 days... i actually don't even know exactly where to start counting... at what day? a few more days from now, a few more weeks, months... it may take a whole lot longer than that...

being as old as I am, I have developed the habit of doing a post evaluation of almost all of the significant things that has happened in my life. because I know whether good or bad- there is a lesson. Something that I can take away from the crime scene. If it was good, I would need to know what made it work, what clinched the deal, what were the prerequisites... so that i can make a repeatable model out of of it. If it was bad, I would usually attack it like how a pack of wolves would pound on a coven of vampires. I am more inquisitive, more anal, more annoyingly going back and forth on the the accounts... I would want to know if my take away is true and correct- without a shadow of a doubt. At this point, I guess you can deduce that it is in my character to be extremely hard on myself. If you did, you are correct. When I make a misstep, a blame myself even in my sleep. because Im thinking, by this time, I should have been more careful, should have made smarter choices, culled the good from the ungood with more ease.... But sitting where I am right now and figuratively looking at a blank wall after so much time have elapsed, it just makes it all the more clear to me....

I am not much nearer to learning what I needed to learn to take me farther away from square one....

You meet people everyday, some new, some you've seen practically all your life. In your seemingly mundane life, you dont realize but you are constantly presented with choices... Sometimes you think you know enough about people, but when they pull a rabbit out of the hat... you find out you dont really know them at all... Much worse, you start believing that you dont know yourself that much after all...After the endless trips and falls, you start thinking if and when hope will finally run out. Because it seems that maybe, things right now are already as good as it gets... That maybe, maybe....

You should start convincing yourself to drop the search... chuck the dream... stop believing...