u-turn

i went for coffee for four times today.. i had all the coffee that i can ever drink.
during one coffee break today, i remembered the conversation that i had with my friend. discussing as usual about our nonexistent love lives, i told her that the reason why i'm probably almost crazy and irrational in dealing with this particular person, was because, i never got him to pursue me.. i mean, i was never able to make him like me completely, truly and .... madly???? hahaha
i guess i'm still standing on the same spot where he left me two years ago (geez, it's been that long??!). still dazed and effing confused... despite my seniority, he still and probably will always make me feel like a child... always wanting and failing to second guess what his next move would be.. never really knowing what he genuinely think of so many things... always managing to wreak havoc in my disposition and, yes, my life also..
i know that i'm sounding overacting and going a bit too far in my rantings, but then, this is the only thing that i can do to lessen the frustration that i'm feeling right now...
and what i hate most about myself, is that whenever i like a person too damn much, when & if the time will come that i sense that the feelings will be reciprocated... i get cold feet... and i mean, freaking ice cold feet.. i run like hell.. stupid..
pinning for something so hard yet not even brave enough to stick out my neck for it..
guess i'm just so in love with the "chase".. and when the chase is nearing it's dead end, i just turn around and head the other way...

i have a name for this condition

finally, without being diagnosed by a true medical doctor, i found the name for the condition that i suffer from whenever it get to spend a significant amount of time with a particular person... It's called "#@$%*shock"... just like the earthquake's aftershock, this kind of feeling will leave you feeling sleepy and useless the whole day after, 50% of the brain is useless, 75% of the body is also malfunctioning, most of the time finding it's way to the bed and has a tendency to hibernate until the sun is about to go down..
there are no known medications to treat this condition, no over-the-counter pill discovered yet to alleviate the episodes of blank stares, hot-headedness and laziness... sometimes a shake of the head, a slap on the face or a bangin' of head on the wall will hasten the recovery time of the patient..
these manifestations usually start to decrease after 24 hours, but, if symptom's persist, consult a true friend...

i hate this part

i hate the morning afters...
waking up from such a great night is a classic anticlimax..
can't say im complaining
i love being with him...
but then again, he will never see me the way i see him..

guess, i just have to learn to be content in my place in this world.
to be given what i have been getting..
others have much, much less to be thankful for & much, much more to be worried about.
i really hate this part...

in the middle of the night...

sometimes, you stop and think... and i mean really think...
is there ever really a way of knowing if the person snoring right beside you, was the one you're meant to spend the rest of your days with???
so many quarrels and misunderstandings have come and gone.. and you're dying to know...
when can you really say that you've reached the end of the road?

i have often used the century-old excuse of the binding power of matrimony, and the altruistic path of raising children having both parents...

happiness have always been an elusive guest in my life. sometimes, just stopping by for a minute... coming in just to have coffee... but almost never staying for a couple of days...

i have always been visited by his cousin, hope and it's sister patience... they usually stay for quite a while... sometimes, they move in with me to stay quite longer than they do with other people. don't get me wrong, but i love those two dearly...

sometimes, i get bolder than usual and invite Freedom to come live with me... no such luck, though...

he just sent me a message through our common friend Anticipation, saying "someday, i'll finally reside with you... when the time is right... when the innocent will not get hurt.."

i hold on to that promise...