Hell ride journey..... a few kilometers away...

I found my rebirth last September 20, 2010...
A considerable amount of time had passed since then. I can confidently say that I grew up by leaps and bounds. I learned to face so many monsters lurking beneath the shadows. I learned to charter on those areas where I thought only the brave dare go...

Ive done the most stupidest (yes, super duper superlative) of things, the most trivial, the most unthinkable ways of venting out anger, frustration, fear and yes.... misery, included.

I am almost way past driving in the middle of the night through the highway with steady, fat streaks of tears going down my cheeks, almost blurrying my vision of the road (literally & figuratively).

I am almost way past shouting to the top of my lungs all the vexation and bitterness that I felt, the injustice and unfair treatment that was given to me, all the questions that actually deserved and needed an answer....

I am almost way past the BP mode, heart beat racing in an unbelievale pace, hyperventilating, mind going blank, vision going black....

I am almost way past having my happiness being dependent on THAT single person, on how much time I will be allotted to be with him, on what we'll be doing, on what movie we'll be watching, on what kind of food we'll be adventuring on, on what topic we will be arguing over, on what song we'll be singing and dancing to, on what kind of dream we'll be fantasizing about......

I am almost there in moving past the pain and looking at it in positive light....

I am almost there in admittng that it never had been real 100% of the time, neither for him nor for me...

I am almost there in being able to resist an opportunity to be with that person again...knowing full well, that it is a losing situtation from start to finish. Knowing full well, that it would only bring me nothing but a continuous source of pain, and possibly, an unbelievable amount of anguish....

I am almost there in realizing that it will never, ever be truly a happy ending....

I am almost there in realizing tht no matter how much effort you put into a relationship, how much compassion and understanding you give a person, it never will never really be a guarantee that it will be reciprocated.... and that love will never be enough to heal a broken person...

I am almost there in realizing that he should be seen for what I perceived him to be from the very start. I was never wrong... I saw a glitch in the personality, the inconsistencies, the harshness of the character, the lack of genuine love for others....
I saw that and yet I chose to be true to what I am made of.... always believing in the silver lining of every person's character... always trying to dig deep through the layers of a person's outlook... trying to understand the WHYs and the HOW COMEs.... thinking and trying to come up with the best valid reason on why everyone deserves to be loved and understood.....

I do not regret doing what I did...
It made me learn so much about the humanity, about myself, about the world around me and how it works....


I learned how so many people, really and truly love me...
I learned that I tend to take so many things, people and myself for granted....

I discovered so many new joys and old "happiness chests"...
I learned how to revel in my humongous appetite...
I learned how to savor every small and single detail of being in my room... with my kids...
I regained the bounce in my step, eventhough, now... no one is walking beside me...

I learned how to regain fore and hindsight..
I learned how to appreciate my job, no matter how sucky and draining it is... it gave me the distraction I needed when I needed it most and it will give me the momentum i need when I take myself to a higher level ....

I had a lot of take-outs....
I gained so much more from everything...

Now, all im asking from myself is to go on second gear....
Digest these stuff.... chew it slowly ...
Dont let it go to waste.... Every pain and joy that I had to go through was a prerequisite to the succeeding chapters in my life...
Everything had to happen...
Lessons had to be taught & learned....
My "hell ride" is almost over..
Let me just take a few deep breaths, the next "exit" is almost there beyond the next bend in the road.....