armor for my heart

i just had to write this down...
this feeling of panic that is taking over me like a tsunami...

im so, so, so scared of falling over the cliff
I have always known that it's only a matter of time. but i never thought that it would be sooner..
much, much sooner..

things have been sailing quite smoothly for me for as long as i can remember. a little bit of happiness here and there. but nothing too major. nothing too earth shattering.
i had been quite successful in keeping the wall standing tall and firm all these time, until now...

it may have only been me doing all the drama this time.. possibly only me...
but still i can't help but keep my emotions unperturbed.
i haven't been this vulnerable for ... years!!!

being hurt continuously for over a decade by the same person at least taught me to stand a little farther from the edge, to wear even the tiniest bit of armor in front of my heart, to at least reserve some love and respect for myself...

but now, i'm so afraid that i maybe baring too much of myself.. exposing too much of my weak side, of my fears, my passion, my life...
i know all too well that the chances of losing are far more greater than even winning the consolation prize..
i know i shouldn't even be dreaming of joining this challenge, this bet..

but i also know that i do not have the strength in me to turn this down.
i cannot walk away from this...
not when it makes me too damn happy to be with him...

wary about being happy

i have always believed in the principle that "everything will be given to you, handed to you, even, when you are ready for it". to some extent i feel that you also have to be able to be prepared for it before it will be granted to you.

and now that i know what's imminent, im starting to question my beliefs. not really sure if im quite ready or deserving of this... happiness to be exact.

im been cruising through life with the tank just having enough fuel to run. im not complaining. had been perfectly fine with that. had been used to that for so long. now, im just getting pretty, pretty scared of having a shot at bliss...

i maybe too presumptuous about this but then again, being the eternally pathetic optimistic person that i am, i feel that things can only get better. truly glad with how things have been going my way.

anyway, if things make a sudden change in direction and makes a sour turn at disappointmentville, i know ill be able to cope. ive had years of training dealing with that.

butterflies in my stomach v.2

something happened...

something i didn't see coming... an idea i do not even allow to my thoughts to toy with even in my weakest moments..

it's not that i do not like it. just that i dont know if i can go through this, if i am even born with the ability to see this through....

too many virtuous and moral teachings pumped into my little useless head...

cant figure out if the emotion that im feeling is excitement or dread. this is definetely a step up from the usual thing that i have been doing..

im not complaining. just dont know if this is something that im prepared to deal with right now...