knowing

you know you're in love when you wake up way before your alarm goes off

when you can't wait to jump out of bed, take a shower and stand for an eternity in front of your closet

deciding

whether to go classic corporate, sweet conservative or girl next door white shirt ripped jeans kinda girl

half of the time you're anticipating how his eyes will light up the moment he sees your look

and how hard he'll try to come up with a wordy compliment without sounding like an over eager adolescent.

(he has to keep the cool guy persona, of course.)

you know you're in love when your makeup is him

the blush is courtesy of thoughts of him and you running through your head,
the first time you locked your gazes with each other,
the first time you hesitantly reached out to touch him,
the first time you said yes without the use of words...
the first few moments of sweet surrender...
yup, those lines of thought can definitely make you blush down to your toes

your eye makeup is perfect, putting that flattering crease at the corners of your eyes whenever you smile, which is quite often these days

your strobing technique to make that skin on your face glow on all the right places?
it is a reflection of his beam  of light on your face,
he is the sunrise and the sunset rolled into one, anyway
your lipstick is that exact shade of crimson as a result of constant biting of the lips to keep yourself from smiling too damn much 

your hair is perfectly arranged in disarray
combed expertly by his fingers, in a fashion so sexy yet so exclusive only to you

and your cologne... pheromones... concentrated. customized.
just. for. HIM.

you know you're in love when you can't wait for everyone important in your life to meet him

and to hear them loving the same things you actually fell for.

and when he had to go back home,

you know you're in love when geographical lines blur in insignifance

that 12000 miles is just a number 

and LDR is a perfectly functional arrangement

when time zones are but a matter of perspective, you get the sun, he gets the moon,

tomorrow you're gonna do a swap, you're both under the same sky, anyway

and when you start believing that weeks and months have wings.

and you convince yourself that yes, they will fly by

you know you're in love when everytime you hear the word Seat Sale,

you imagine it is God's voice giving you His blessing to pack your bags and go see him

you know you're in love when airplane is a tool of getting nearer to him

and oceans are just bodies of water

viber, whatapp, imessage is a gift of the heavens

you know you're in love when you'd rather go home early than go out on a seemingly harmless dinner with a "friend" because you'd rather eat alone than have the risk of running into someone who might mistake you for being unfaithful

you know you're in love when you hate the people who can see him on a daily basis,
even those people who accidentally brushes past him on his way to work, the subway, the gym,
the newspaper stand, or the guy who serves him his morning coffee in his favorite starbucks.
you hate those faceless, nameless people
but you would trade places with in a heartbeat,
just to be in their shoes,
just to have the chance to be at arm's length with him again.

you know you're in love when you leap to his defense the moment your friends start questioning
his motives,
his character,
his sense of humor,
his unbelievably perfect physique,
his opinions,
your seemingly new opinions,
your compatibility with each other,
your loyalty to him

you stop thinking of him as a person, but as a part of you.

and somehow, you develop the need to protect him

you know you're love when that brilliant brain of yours stops working and becomes alien to logic

and you start becoming best friends with the tooth fairy, peter pan, santa claus, the genie in the bottle.....

and you start hoping again, praying that this time,

this round belongs to you

of course, you have no way of knowing if this is your happily every after

but one thing's for sure....

you know you're in love when you leave your cynical self in the past..

you know you're in love when once again, you start believing...
in forever...

the last weekend before christmas ...

The past few weeks after that fateful Friday night had nothing been a blur for me...
Everything happened so fast, yet strangely, so slow...


I have been running around trying my best to function normally, at the least most of the time, 
I couldn't find the energy to get out of bed every morning. 
The typical cant-sleep-at-night that follows a break-up never happened. I'd usually just have enough time to wash-up and read the tweets in bed, and before I know it.... zzzzzz. it's LA-LA land for me....


Sometimes, my dreams are haunted, like how I used to live my life when we were together.
The only difference is that its more hazy this time around.


I used to live in fear- as in the OA kind of fear- every or every other moment within the day.
Fear of knowing that i had just been used all along... fear of feeling that I had been played once again...
I can go on all day with fear being the topic....
I used to eat fear for breakfast... :(
and believe me, IT being the heaviest meal of the day, ideally, is not at all a good idea....


I still get episodes of bawling and emo-ing inside the car, and most recently, while looking out through the airplane window....
I still get the aching, constricting feeling whenever I hear a certain song that we used to dance or sing along to, I see a particular food that we used to cook or pig out on, I chance upon a channel or show that we used to watch or just set as a background while cleaning the house....


I have a trunkload of memories.....
A lot of good, but in retrospect, most of them really bad- traumatic even....


I shared a life with him... or so i thought.
I was never hesitant in giving whatever I had in my possession.... the most valuable among all them was time.


Sometimes, I think that this ending would never have happened had i been more careful with my words....
But then again, looking back..... I knew in my heart that this was bound to happen....
US had really never been enough for you...


Living with him thinking that Id go as far as I can endure the pain was a stupid way of living....
I had been fully unfair to myself because I  never gave myself the chance to choose whether that was good enough for me or not...


the last weekend before christmas.... im sitting here on my favorite spot, watching as people scramble through the rush....


but i am calm.... am not in a hurry....


there are still so many things and thoughts that i have to run through my head....
i don't want to hurry anymore....


life gave me a chunkful to think about this time....
i need time and like what he said.... 
SPACE to allow the dust to settle down....

never cut what can be untangled

my attitude towards a lot of things have changed a lot as i matured.. i have become less antagonistic and more rational. I always try as much as i can to see things from different angles. Because I believe that there is no one made inherently evil. Evrybody has goodness in them, one way or another, you just have to know how to ignite that spark in them.

i learned yet again last night that there are still some bases that i have to cover. still slacking in the UNDERSTANDING department, still need to learn to be more patient in dealing with overemotional 20 something girls.

what i enjoyed most last time was being with someone that thought i had lost a long time ago. i thought that the "friendship" was way over. surprisingly, it was the first time that i saw him to be really having a good time, upping up the notch, so to speak. I was so happy to see him being happy with us, genuinely happy...

our friendship was close to extinct about a month ago, barely even acknowledging each other's presence. not even a slight tip of the head. both of us nursing a different set of hurtful prejudice against each other. not even bothering to clear the air.

but good comes to those who wait. timing is everything. and it was as if a vacuum had sucked out all the negativity between the two of us. Right now,looking at our friendship from where it is right now, i can say that i wouldn't allow something like that to happen again. I ain't gonna let pride get in the way. I have too much to loose.... a treasured friend.

venturing into unchartered teritory

last sunday, i greeted someone through the messenger service.. what started as an innocent birthday greeting ended up in a one-of-a-kind heart-to-heart conversation.. it's like going into that part of the house that you never even thought had a door...

it just wasnt something i have ever thought possible. sometimes, you meet someone, they become your friends and you eventually drift apart ,for some reason you decided to stop exerting sso much effort just to keep your friendship.

after two years, one of you surprisingly opens up, and a dam of emotions just pours out. just a little less pride was all we needed... we could have saved ourselves a ton of misery and disappointment...

it just tells me, that everyhthing happens when they're supposed to.... you just can't make the world conform to your timelines.. it just doesn't work that way...

when all was said and done.. apologies and promises put into place... what do you have next??

better individuals.
a friendship that has a better chance to blossom.
healed spirit
regained confidence in people
gratitude from the heart.......