hold your breath

i think im actually getting the hang of this...
putting a safe (?) distance from the edge of the cliff.
although i know too well, that i can't keep on doing this for long.
im not built this way, and i also wouldn't want to think that i have grown into a completely cold-hearted b*t@h...
i still feel the stirrings of the human emotions tugging at my heart,
hinting it to open wider and become less rigid..

right now, everything seems to be constantly turning and changing colors..
muted, vivid, colorful, sunny, dull and gray... all morphing seamlessly into one ever evolving picture....

i know that things are as fragile as a tiny porcelain tea cup right now..
the succeeding scenes all hinge on everything you say and do..

wanted to hear so much more, wanted to verify, wanted to seek out answers from him...
and yet the fear when i would finally hear all them is so overwhelming...
it may possibly be pleasant to the ears, yet the odds are that it won't.

that is the sole reason why i chose to stay in the shadows up to now...
consciously making that choice to be in limbo indefinitely..
holding my breath longer than i should have..

the farthest that i have come

three decades of existing and i did not see this coming...
up to the last minute, i didn't know that i had what it takes to finally get my ass off and make that turn off onto that dark, dark alley...

sometimes, it seems like a curse to have been born to be too much of a cerebral-over-analyzing-too-logical-for-my-own-good kind of girl...
a blessing for not being easily carried away by my forever-shifting emotions...

only a person like myself would need a weekend's worth of thinking and evaluating a situation that would have been as easy as 1-2-3 for everybody... but no, not me...
well, at least something good came out of it. when i finally decided i wanted to have it, i was so sure of my decision. i can never blame it on emotions or even hormones.

this was well thought of...
no regrets.
just that stupid looking smile on my face
and that far-off look in my eyes...

despite the distance that i have gone,
the effort that i have put up,
i never really heard the whole story.

just a glimpse of his life, of his emotions, of himself...
that will have to suffice for now...

prelude to goodbye....

something he said last friday stayed with me for the rest of the evening... an underlying messsage that could never be mistaken for anything else but... goodbye..
i guess, i subconsciously knew this was going to happen... was positive that this was going to happen. it was almost imposible that someone that intelligent can actully commit to doing something as stupid as what i had been hoping for... hahaha
no one can blame me for wishful thinking.. but then again, these are just the kind of thoughts swirling and playing around my head for the longest time.
i guess, i always knew that in situations like this, he'd always be the sensible one. definitely not me.
so, this is the part where i finally start loosening my grip on my favorite teddy bear... something i had held on for so long that wasn't even mine in the first place.
at least, i can say goodbye to him at my own pace..
slowly, please...