I suddenly remembered...

Hot tears came down my cheeks. Fat droplets that can tell a lot about pain, rejection and whole lot of hurt.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Hell ride journey..... a few kilometers away...

I found my rebirth last September 20, 2010...
A considerable amount of time had passed since then. I can confidently say that I grew up by leaps and bounds. I learned to face so many monsters lurking beneath the shadows. I learned to charter on those areas where I thought only the brave dare go...

Ive done the most stupidest (yes, super duper superlative) of things, the most trivial, the most unthinkable ways of venting out anger, frustration, fear and yes.... misery, included.

I am almost way past driving in the middle of the night through the highway with steady, fat streaks of tears going down my cheeks, almost blurrying my vision of the road (literally & figuratively).

I am almost way past shouting to the top of my lungs all the vexation and bitterness that I felt, the injustice and unfair treatment that was given to me, all the questions that actually deserved and needed an answer....

I am almost way past the BP mode, heart beat racing in an unbelievale pace, hyperventilating, mind going blank, vision going black....

I am almost way past having my happiness being dependent on THAT single person, on how much time I will be allotted to be with him, on what we'll be doing, on what movie we'll be watching, on what kind of food we'll be adventuring on, on what topic we will be arguing over, on what song we'll be singing and dancing to, on what kind of dream we'll be fantasizing about......

I am almost there in moving past the pain and looking at it in positive light....

I am almost there in admittng that it never had been real 100% of the time, neither for him nor for me...

I am almost there in being able to resist an opportunity to be with that person again...knowing full well, that it is a losing situtation from start to finish. Knowing full well, that it would only bring me nothing but a continuous source of pain, and possibly, an unbelievable amount of anguish....

I am almost there in realizing that it will never, ever be truly a happy ending....

I am almost there in realizing tht no matter how much effort you put into a relationship, how much compassion and understanding you give a person, it never will never really be a guarantee that it will be reciprocated.... and that love will never be enough to heal a broken person...

I am almost there in realizing that he should be seen for what I perceived him to be from the very start. I was never wrong... I saw a glitch in the personality, the inconsistencies, the harshness of the character, the lack of genuine love for others....
I saw that and yet I chose to be true to what I am made of.... always believing in the silver lining of every person's character... always trying to dig deep through the layers of a person's outlook... trying to understand the WHYs and the HOW COMEs.... thinking and trying to come up with the best valid reason on why everyone deserves to be loved and understood.....

I do not regret doing what I did...
It made me learn so much about the humanity, about myself, about the world around me and how it works....


I learned how so many people, really and truly love me...
I learned that I tend to take so many things, people and myself for granted....

I discovered so many new joys and old "happiness chests"...
I learned how to revel in my humongous appetite...
I learned how to savor every small and single detail of being in my room... with my kids...
I regained the bounce in my step, eventhough, now... no one is walking beside me...

I learned how to regain fore and hindsight..
I learned how to appreciate my job, no matter how sucky and draining it is... it gave me the distraction I needed when I needed it most and it will give me the momentum i need when I take myself to a higher level ....

I had a lot of take-outs....
I gained so much more from everything...

Now, all im asking from myself is to go on second gear....
Digest these stuff.... chew it slowly ...
Dont let it go to waste.... Every pain and joy that I had to go through was a prerequisite to the succeeding chapters in my life...
Everything had to happen...
Lessons had to be taught & learned....
My "hell ride" is almost over..
Let me just take a few deep breaths, the next "exit" is almost there beyond the next bend in the road.....

the alternate route..

it's been ages since i wrote my last entry... and boy, things have changed a lot since then..
i never thought that i would reach that point in my life where I can look at him and talk to him in an unattached kind of way.. i don't feel any trace of anger or bitterness to our story that had seen its dead end.
Nope. melancholy at the least, but more of the undiluted happiness because I was able to salvage the friendship. And it got better this time around.
More honesty and openess, more headspace for spontaneity and laughter
More moments of goofiness and bloopers
More of the moments worth celebrating and reminiscing
It wasn't something that we planned
Just felt into the natural flow of things.

And I'm glad. We took this alternate route in the road instead.
I have no regrets, just great memories...
And more good times to come.
I know so...

my fave...

short of one month to say that i waited for three years to finally have the talk that i got.. and been wanting.. well, it wasn't loaded with the fireworks neither the sugar coating, which made it just great for me..
all the truth (or so I wanted to believe) strippou from pretensions and assumptions, no more facade, no more needing a third eye or sixth sense.. everything delivered just as it was in reality... every truth in this world comes with an unavoidable dose of sourness with it, something to bite you with and put you back to your rightful place in the real world.
yes, the terms were simple. the feeling is mutual. but no nothing. no expectations, no duties, no proclamations of anything akin to that L world. no affirmations, no sweet nothings, no dopey-eyed looks and definitely, NO COMMITMENTS. no, nothing....
the ball is and will always be in my hands, in my court, on my terms...
and yet, i can't get rid of the feeling of being deflated after all the talks, somewhat melancholy...
similar to a child, gloomily waiting by the window panes... looking out through thr front yard, up to the front gate, but thoughts going way beyond the world that her vision couldn't reach...

yep, that's exctly what im feeling right now..
how this new chapter should unfold, i have no idea....

been a long, long time

i want to write this down.
so that i will not forget. so that when the right time comes, i'll know the right thing to do.

i saw his efforts, before.. the everyday texts, chat, pangungulit.
the movie dates and more...
i thought that that could have been the start of something different. but then again, i thought wrong...

after giving in to what he wanted, the so-called long deserved massage session and relaxation... he vanished into nothingness. as if i had just imagined the whole thing.
imagined the whole evening, beginning from the pick-up point,
to the spa, before the old spaghetti place, to the banchetto, until the drop-off point...
it did left me staring in space long after that.
leaving me wondering, and deflated.

yes, i do not have all the answers, but then again i know somehow what i got myself into.
I got PLAYED. yep, he was one big time playa.
Up to the very last moment of 2009, i was making myself believe the best of him.
once and again, my undesirable trait of having too much faith in people got the best of me.
once again, disappointment served on a silver platter.

given the chance to turn back the hands of time, i wouldn't even think twice on reverting my actions. nope. every second was worth it. some moments give me reasons to smile. some moments give me my lessons in life. no time wasted.

at least now, i know now..
i know better
just a matter of making the right choices from here on...
no more looking back.
no more rationalizing.
no more excuses.

good things look good at angle. period.