weakening

how can one tell if your down on the last bend in the road???

i know myself all too well. i have the determination of a horse. knows only one goal and one goal alone. i can run only on one side of the track should i chose to have that decision. yes, there is no stopping me once i have decided on one thing...

but really, at this point in my life. weariness is slowly getting the best of me.

being verbally abused and taken for granted is taking its toll on me. sometimes, even not being given the right to cry and feel bad is enough to break even the toughest of all. i get tired too. i fumble also. and yes, i also get hurt....

i get weak all too often in the past months. trying my utmost to cling on to something....

a spark of hope. a reassuring smile. a pat on the back. a thumbs up sign. a happy thought....

anything.

anything would help at this point in time.

if someone took my hands and decided to drag me elsewhere, i probably would be too weak to struggle or fight it.

falling all over again...

"i wanna know, who ever told you i was letting go???"

yep. found out that he still has it. still can make me feel like doing the cartwheel with just the slightest gesture. still can make me stop everything within the drop of a hat. still can make me feel like mush. sucks, though, being me and all that.

despite having that tough girl persona, im no good at pretending to "joe".
the one and only person who doesnt even ask, yet im already halfway on spilling the facts of my life. if i were in a tv series, i'd be disgusted at my character. such a wimp whenever it coomes to joe.
always, bending myself backwards just to please him.
and the saddest part of it, anybody who can see me with him, instantly knows that im disgustingly head over heels in love with him. aw, shucks... i said the L word. this is so not good at all....
without even the promise of a quarter of a percent chance of having my emotions reciprocated, stil, i plunge again and again into that black hole.
what a schmuck...