trying to learn to say "NO"

slowly, one step at a time, i would like to think that i'm doing my part in creating a bigger distance between me and him.. i would like him to think that i am not easily affected by those corny, repetitive jests, those knowing smiles that is somewhat forcing you to smile too, those affectionate pat on the shoulder that has been happening all too often...

no...

i am so not affected by that....
not...

i want to be like that, though.. my ultimate goal...

it's just a matter of time and of course

i just need to have a stronger will to fight the easier, more enjoyable course of action...

with what i'm trying to accomplish, the feeling is akin to depriving myself of a bittersweet chocolate bar... or not having my caffeine fix.... even if it's just at your arm's length...

hard

tough

but i've got to do it. i have to learn to grow up. i have to start living in the real world. i have to respect my limitations.

i have a name for this condition

finally, without being diagnosed by a true medical doctor, i found the name for the condition that i suffer from whenever it get to spend a significant amount of time with a particular person... It's called "#@$%*shock"... just like the earthquake's aftershock, this kind of feeling will leave you feeling sleepy and useless the whole day after, 50% of the brain is useless, 75% of the body is also malfunctioning, most of the time finding it's way to the bed and has a tendency to hibernate until the sun is about to go down..
there are no known medications to treat this condition, no over-the-counter pill discovered yet to alleviate the episodes of blank stares, hot-headedness and laziness... sometimes a shake of the head, a slap on the face or a bangin' of head on the wall will hasten the recovery time of the patient..
these manifestations usually start to decrease after 24 hours, but, if symptom's persist, consult a true friend...

i hate this part

i hate the morning afters...
waking up from such a great night is a classic anticlimax..
can't say im complaining
i love being with him...
but then again, he will never see me the way i see him..

guess, i just have to learn to be content in my place in this world.
to be given what i have been getting..
others have much, much less to be thankful for & much, much more to be worried about.
i really hate this part...

never cut what can be untangled

my attitude towards a lot of things have changed a lot as i matured.. i have become less antagonistic and more rational. I always try as much as i can to see things from different angles. Because I believe that there is no one made inherently evil. Evrybody has goodness in them, one way or another, you just have to know how to ignite that spark in them.

i learned yet again last night that there are still some bases that i have to cover. still slacking in the UNDERSTANDING department, still need to learn to be more patient in dealing with overemotional 20 something girls.

what i enjoyed most last time was being with someone that thought i had lost a long time ago. i thought that the "friendship" was way over. surprisingly, it was the first time that i saw him to be really having a good time, upping up the notch, so to speak. I was so happy to see him being happy with us, genuinely happy...

our friendship was close to extinct about a month ago, barely even acknowledging each other's presence. not even a slight tip of the head. both of us nursing a different set of hurtful prejudice against each other. not even bothering to clear the air.

but good comes to those who wait. timing is everything. and it was as if a vacuum had sucked out all the negativity between the two of us. Right now,looking at our friendship from where it is right now, i can say that i wouldn't allow something like that to happen again. I ain't gonna let pride get in the way. I have too much to loose.... a treasured friend.