trying to learn to say "NO"

slowly, one step at a time, i would like to think that i'm doing my part in creating a bigger distance between me and him.. i would like him to think that i am not easily affected by those corny, repetitive jests, those knowing smiles that is somewhat forcing you to smile too, those affectionate pat on the shoulder that has been happening all too often...

no...

i am so not affected by that....
not...

i want to be like that, though.. my ultimate goal...

it's just a matter of time and of course

i just need to have a stronger will to fight the easier, more enjoyable course of action...

with what i'm trying to accomplish, the feeling is akin to depriving myself of a bittersweet chocolate bar... or not having my caffeine fix.... even if it's just at your arm's length...

hard

tough

but i've got to do it. i have to learn to grow up. i have to start living in the real world. i have to respect my limitations.

prelude to goodbye....

something he said last friday stayed with me for the rest of the evening... an underlying messsage that could never be mistaken for anything else but... goodbye..
i guess, i subconsciously knew this was going to happen... was positive that this was going to happen. it was almost imposible that someone that intelligent can actully commit to doing something as stupid as what i had been hoping for... hahaha
no one can blame me for wishful thinking.. but then again, these are just the kind of thoughts swirling and playing around my head for the longest time.
i guess, i always knew that in situations like this, he'd always be the sensible one. definitely not me.
so, this is the part where i finally start loosening my grip on my favorite teddy bear... something i had held on for so long that wasn't even mine in the first place.
at least, i can say goodbye to him at my own pace..
slowly, please...