feeling truly sick

last night, i decided to just not go to our regular friday night cap. i was feeling a bit weird the whole day, my stomach is twisted in knots... i thought it was just the jitters that i felt before the presentation that i was scheduled to make during the afternoon... until the time that i was about to go home, i still felt sick...
then i decided to stop by the mall for an early dinner, thinking it might make me feel better... then as i was standing in line, second from the front, i felt the floor suddenly shifted, and tilted... i was swaying in front and to the back in my effort to regain my balance...
thhen, when i couldn't take it anymore, i ran from the line and sat on the first available seat that i can grab. i felt tlike i was falling down a bottomless pit... still falling down... i was so afraid to move from that seat... i knew i had to get help, but i know that no one can reach me here in this far south...
i guess this takes the spot of my most frightening moments of my life.. (second only to almost falling into the black, murky water of the batangas port) ....

i know that what happened is just a preview of my true health condition... that it wouldnt be the last time for me... i dread the next time...

music is my therapy

i have always relied on my good 'ol dependable ipod... yes, i feel an attack of depression or panic every now and then. somedays are better than the others... but i guess, the christmas season have, time and again, made me more jittery as ever compared to the rest of the year... whenever, that chilly air would blow my way and ruffle my hair... it never fails to send a chill down my spine as well...
i love it, but at the same time, there is always that inexplicable feeling that brings me a feeling of impending doom as well... habits, like traumas are very hard to dilute, even over time...
fear that was implanted so deeply cannot be uprooted as easliy as it was done when it was being buried..
it's like erasing an indelible ink.. thant no matter how much you try to take a bath or soap it off in one whole day, the marks would still remain... and it teaches us a lesson or two about patience...
it will come off in its own time... we cannot rush it, no matter how hard we try...
in truth, we can try so many extreme ways on how to remove the ink from our skin, but like all things forced or done the unnatural way, it would hurt us deeply and badly, if we try to force it...

more than a decade has passed, maybe a decade more is needed... before one can truly be free of the nightmares of the past..

butterflies in my stomach

i hate this feeling...
for someone who has fallen in and out of loven over and over... i should be immune to the telltale signs of infatuation... i consider myself a middle-aged girl. not so much the physical age as a basis, but more on the mental and psychological aspects as criteria. palpitations over thinking someone used to be a thing of the past to me...
or so that's what i thought.
sheeeshhh...
the situation is exacerbated by me bieng an ADD... (read as Attention Deficit Disorder)
as if i have enough on my shoulders to get me distracted on a day-to-day basis...
what more now? can't focus (even more) on one tastk for a short period of time.
I have to break off from work every now and then... i just hope my boss wouldn't notice that i can't deliver the work needed at my usual pace...
i hate liking someone this much...

bad dream

i had quite a number of bad dreams last night. awaking every hour or so just to doze off again... and so goes another beginning of another nightmare.. maybe it's the feeling of impending doom, or the humongous heap of tasks that i have to get done or the maybe dreading something terrible to happen, specifically, failure...
all combined, one can never get a good night's rest. that was the one thing that i was waiting for for days. when i can catch up on my sleep, or rest my weary body and mind... but i did not get any of it last night. there was even a point wherein I dreamt that I was about to be raped and my husband just looked on... as if helpless to my terrible fate.
i guess that i see it as being "raped" of my rights, my joys, my successes...
there are so many fears and tremors going on in my mind and body simultaneously that these horrible dreams manifest itself in my dreams.
it was a bad night
i just tried to make the best out of the little time that i got to rest my weary bones.
i hope i can sleep better tonight.