the coming of a conclusion...

Almost three months ago, I was sitting in this exact table...cramming to finish my e-cornell requirements. And someone was making sure i don't sleep through it. Despite being physically apart, he made sure I felt his presence...

But then he's gone now. just. like. that.

And I guess I allowed my self to be in limbo for quite a while. Just taking all in. Refusing to grow up because I know that this isn't a simple douchebaggery episode.

And as I was flipping the pages of my spiral, i chanced upon two entries that I scribbled while I was with him...


Here goes...


thursday.
At wit's end
Not knowing where this is gonna lead me
If this is yet another dark end
or another cliff.

To say that i'm scared like hell. Not even.
Acting as if my heart is already whole
As if nothing happened short of three months ago
I'm not yet even over the Popoy timeline
Yet here I am, risking my heart again
Trippin' over my feet to offer it to a stranger
Hoping against hope that things will be
different this time around.

Is it a sin to have too much optimism
or
Is it a sin to having too much stupid

there were moments where I stop myself in midway
Finding myself in the same situation
Uncanny
Only this time around, the characters are different
The house- on the other side of the city

When will I ever learn??

friday.
I wanna be with you
Such a beautiful morning seems like a waste
if spent apart from you

Here I go again
third gearing on us.
dangit.


- THE END-

the investigative journey out of square one

13 days... i actually don't even know exactly where to start counting... at what day? a few more days from now, a few more weeks, months... it may take a whole lot longer than that...

being as old as I am, I have developed the habit of doing a post evaluation of almost all of the significant things that has happened in my life. because I know whether good or bad- there is a lesson. Something that I can take away from the crime scene. If it was good, I would need to know what made it work, what clinched the deal, what were the prerequisites... so that i can make a repeatable model out of of it. If it was bad, I would usually attack it like how a pack of wolves would pound on a coven of vampires. I am more inquisitive, more anal, more annoyingly going back and forth on the the accounts... I would want to know if my take away is true and correct- without a shadow of a doubt. At this point, I guess you can deduce that it is in my character to be extremely hard on myself. If you did, you are correct. When I make a misstep, a blame myself even in my sleep. because Im thinking, by this time, I should have been more careful, should have made smarter choices, culled the good from the ungood with more ease.... But sitting where I am right now and figuratively looking at a blank wall after so much time have elapsed, it just makes it all the more clear to me....

I am not much nearer to learning what I needed to learn to take me farther away from square one....

You meet people everyday, some new, some you've seen practically all your life. In your seemingly mundane life, you dont realize but you are constantly presented with choices... Sometimes you think you know enough about people, but when they pull a rabbit out of the hat... you find out you dont really know them at all... Much worse, you start believing that you dont know yourself that much after all...After the endless trips and falls, you start thinking if and when hope will finally run out. Because it seems that maybe, things right now are already as good as it gets... That maybe, maybe....

You should start convincing yourself to drop the search... chuck the dream... stop believing...

a piece of my mind for someone who had a piece of my heart...

I want you to read carefully. And please keep this in the forefront of your mind. All the time.

1. WHAT HAPPENED TO US IS OVER A LONG TIME AGO. Leave it in the past. To be completely honest about it, most of my memories of us are already a blur. For your enjoyment, I'll admit, I cried a lot for the first three days... But that was it. For the succeeding days and weeks, i snapped out of it, as if on cue. Now, what happened to us seemed like it never happened at all. Like a hazy dream in a different dimension. No, i dont reminisce if that's what you're thinking. I am busy making my own happy memories now. And dont think that I'm forcing it. Cold as it may sound, but that's really how it has been for quite a while now. I HAVE MOVED ON. Whether you want to acknowledge it or not.

2. I AM NOT ON A DATING FRENZY. No, i am not crazed to find a replacement of you. Bec frankly, i really dont want that. Not someone like you, anyway. And if you know me well enough like how you claim, you know that i dont go out with other guys just for the heck of it. I will never do anything that might jeopardize my self-worth and reputation. I hate wasting time. So whoever it is that I'm seeing right now definitely means a lot to me.

3. DO NOT PITY ME. I walked into our relationship with both eyes open. I know I was the third party, the dispensable part of the equation. That's a given. The integrity of your words may have been in question for one or more instance back then, but i never stopped believing in you and in us when we were together. The moment i learned about the dynamics of everything that needed to be considered, I made a decision for myself. No,  our ending was not your call. But if you wanna delude yourself, go ahead. I acknowledge the litter that I was walking away from, both eyes open. Pity should be directed to the person who doesn't even know how stinky the pit that they have been in for the longest time. Woe to them. Or her, in this case. But not to me. 

I may have bought your promises of true love and commitment then. But that doesn't make me pitiful. It just means that i naturally believe in the goodness and integrity of people. Sometimes, it's just a case of encountering a bad apple every now and then. But not all hope is lost. Some people are still worth knowing. And trusting.

4. I AM HAPPY. And it would do you well if start believing it yourself because that is the plain truth. I am grateful for my place in the world right now. More and more I see the goodness of what brought me here, to all the events that led to this. The One above really is magnanimous. I used to think that good people get trampled upon by the ungood, but I guess He was in control the entire time... I wouldn't have this much appreciation to all the things that has been happening to me had I skipped all the lessons that I needed to learn from the year that was...

5. You may stop the occasional messaging. Starting NOW. It's not because it irritates me. Because it doesn't. Not anymore. It doesn't make my heart skip a beat. Not anymore. And neither does it put a smile on my lips. Not anymore. Now, I read it with eyes of indifference... It's just a number... A message from someone that I may have encountered in the past... not even friends. Not bec I'm hurting or still pinning for you. But just bec I dont want people like you to have a part in my life, however big or small.

6. STOP "thinking of my safety" every time we suffer from storms or what nots. Don't take out your super hero complex on me. Just find another damsel in distress, I'm sure you'll find one.. Dont worry about me and my kids. We are used to dealing with life on our own. We've seen worse storms in our lives, literally and otherwise. We have each other. We are gonna be more than okay.

7. And lastly, whatever you decide to do with your life is your prerogative. Whether we're both occupying the same space, or room or country at any given time, it wouldn't matter. Bec NOTHING will ever happen between the two of us. And even if your convoluted mind would like to think that should you miraculously grow some balls in this lifetime to leave that poor excuse of a relationship and pursue me again, that we can pick up from where we left off, please snap out of it. I will never take you back. Not now. Not in the future. Not ever. No anger or shame or guilt. It's just cause you dont exist for me anymore. 

As much as I have been trying to keep to myself this whole time, I feel that it is also my duty to set some things straight. 

This is not a mud slinging contest. I am not out for blood. Or revenge. Or vindication. Or to look for more allies. I also dont think I or "us" deserve any more airtime between your convo with our common friend.  Let's just please both go back to our original corners in the world and live it the best possible way that we can. 

Can you possibly cut off your right arm? an ancient love letter dated01.11.14

I guess this is it. I've been dreading this

day for months. Bec in the back of my mind, i kinda knew that you'd rather hurt me than her. I blame nobody. 

Thank you for being with me last year. I think you were handpicked for me. And He couldn't have chosen a better person to get me out of that hole. But then, being with you in this situation is like coming out of one and going in another. 

I love you. Please dont ever doubt that. I fought for you, for us. Last nov, i couldn't even imagine how i'd get through the holidays. That was one of lowest points in my life. I got scarred with what I had to  endure. And I did that for us. But i just cant go through that again. Sana maintindihan mo. 

Saying goodbye to you is so hard. It still brings me physical pain. If it were up to me, I would still wait for you to fix your life until next month. But you don't want that. So i have no choice but to accept our fate. 

I hope i see the day where i wont have to cry myself to sleep. And stop becoming catatonic. And start picking up my life again. 

I shouldn't have loved you this much in the first place bec you belong to someone else. But no regrets. 

I never called anybody Mahal, until you...

Take care of yourself. And her. 

I love you  

of trinkets and garbage....

I started this blog six years ago out of the need to have an avenue for venting my everyday musings... without having to bother my friends or family or the people around me with these matters...

And right now, in the middle of a highly mathematical meeting, - when I should have been listening, analyzing and throwing out my two cents, I tuned out- I chanced upon one of the oldest entries that i did. I can't seem to remember what I was ranting about at that time, the person who I was referring to or any other details about the entry... I feel like I'm reading about a young adult, seemingly knowing so much about the world, yet still very much like a little kid...

Some of the phrases gave me a time warp ride.... In a blink of an eye, it took me back to the exact spot,  the wind that blew on my hair and my face 6 years ago went by my way again... Made me remember on what it felt like to be young and vulnerable and... a lot of things I thought were buried in the past. but unlike now, I felt stoic... like an untouched spectator merely looking through a glass window as the scenes unfold... not even a tick of hurt... Numb. 

this is testament that TIME really can be your bestest best friend... the universal remedy to all the hurts and pains in the world. back then, I never thought that arriving in this state of mind is possible... Coming from a place that took me on the brink of craziness. Prolly it was just too much for a kid to handle. 

Having this kind of realization, I know that another 6 years down the line, when I read this entry, I'd still be shaking my head in disbelief as to how I never cease to be all-knowing.... :) Always thinking that I have accumulated enough knowledge already...

But in reality, we never really stop learning... never stop realizing... never stop finding new meaning in old things...
Although the good thing about taking a glance in the past from time to time, is that you get to appreciate everything that you have picked up along the way.... all the junk... and all the treasures... and the seemingly random stuff...
It makes up for a pretty colorful package :)

Resist the temptation to press the hyper speed button....

it's almost midnight.
and I should be finishing my presentation for tomorrow.... yet i'm not.
after spending too much time on the phone with the people i love the most, i am back to this silent corner.
thinking.speculating. being uptight over and over again (for the past hour or so...)

this limbo is killing me. 
slowly dampening the excitement that i have for life...

maybe. i should really just retreat
maybe I'm not built for this kind of sh*t
too much of a good girl. too boring.

im a few steps from retreating. to the safe zone.
where i can slowly find my way to get back up on my feet again.
because in reality, im just forcing myself to be in fighting form.

I guess i just have to admit that everything that can happen anytime soon is premature...