two words that i have been trying to teach myself for several moths now.
it hasnt been the easiest two years of my life.
let me think, what have i done lately?
oh, left my job at the top of the corporate ladder, left my kids in my home country, shoved all my "essentials" in two pieces of luggage and a hand carry and bought myself a first class ticket to join the love of my life in a country that is famous for having depressing weather.
not for the faint of heart.
i used to believe that i am a strong, brave, badass bitch. but this big move has definitely shaken me to the core of my being. not just once. but many, many times, with varying intensities. it's like experiencing an earthquake on top of a high rise building. trying to duck, find cover and pray at the same time. while also texting loved ones and checking twitter if indeed that was an earthquake you just felt. and like an earthquake, there are aftershocks. many. some when you think that it's already safe to go out of your safe place, it will shake so hard it really makes you thinks your life is over, or you wish it were over.
so many times these last few years that i thought nothing good can come out of my predicament at that moment.many times i toyed the thought of standing over a ledge, or on one of the pillars of erasmus bridge. to escape the feeling of despair, defeat, loneliness and just plain hopelessness.
my thoughts became so dark that i think Rik would get scared if he only got a change to take a peak on what's brewing inside...
i've searched far and wide, looking for answers, looking for explanations, and just plain looking for a way out.
but you know, the way out is really fixing the stuff inside... the stuff that i forgot to take care of over the years. i knew deep down that it was equally important. but i think being given a relatively easy life lately, i let go of being mindful, prayerful and just being plain aware that i am indeed blessed.
so far, i am slowly charting my way back to finding myself, caring for the inner me. so that i can better take care of others. be a better person, partner, parent and all around human being.
i have also braved the wilderness of making new friends... i think it's about time. i cannot keep on just being with rik or his family. i needed to try harder. for myself. for my sanity.
and now as i sit here on one of the dining table chairs, reflecting on what my life has been since the big move, i cant help but be overwhelmed with so much emotions. but i think the strongest of all would be the feeling of just being proud of myself.
that i am still here.
still standing or at least trying to stand tall.
still with a cheerful albeit quivering with fear heart
still ready to show and give kindness even when my circumstances havent been the most ideal. kindness because i always keep it in my pocket.
still ready to find hope in every morning. to show up. to report to life. scratches, bruises, crutches and all.
i have taken the long way. but i know i am almost there...
breathe...
