the farthest that i have come

three decades of existing and i did not see this coming...
up to the last minute, i didn't know that i had what it takes to finally get my ass off and make that turn off onto that dark, dark alley...

sometimes, it seems like a curse to have been born to be too much of a cerebral-over-analyzing-too-logical-for-my-own-good kind of girl...
a blessing for not being easily carried away by my forever-shifting emotions...

only a person like myself would need a weekend's worth of thinking and evaluating a situation that would have been as easy as 1-2-3 for everybody... but no, not me...
well, at least something good came out of it. when i finally decided i wanted to have it, i was so sure of my decision. i can never blame it on emotions or even hormones.

this was well thought of...
no regrets.
just that stupid looking smile on my face
and that far-off look in my eyes...

despite the distance that i have gone,
the effort that i have put up,
i never really heard the whole story.

just a glimpse of his life, of his emotions, of himself...
that will have to suffice for now...

on a dark highway...

at this point in my life, i feel as if endless doors had been opened for me...
endless possibilities that before seemed remote and not feasible seemed larger than life now ..

there are some plans that are definite, and yet there are those that i really like to play around in my mind most of the time..

moving slowly.. sometimes fast.. sometimes contemplating.. and sometimes having a devil-may-care attitude.. but what happens next is something that thrills me like a little kid on the eve of Christmas... excited to take a peek of that brightly-wrapped Christmas present... tiptoeing in the poorly illuminated living room..

yup, that is how i see myself most of the time these days..

just as the week was about to end, my opinion towards a newborn a^*hole in my life kind of shifted.. on the shortest of short notices, once again, i threw away my cares... not even thinking of the implications or the opinion of that once-branded low life...

que sera sera....
i only live one Friday night at a time...
so sue me if i want to be happy....

but despite of my being carefree and all that sh#t...
im proud to say that i still haven't done anything that i am not proud of...

still have that conservative, nun-inspired way of living ingrained in my system
whether i like it or not....
but i think that im more thankful more than ever that i was taught to live that way...
i can still proudly look at myself in the mirror...
no regrets...

from the way im living my life right now, im likened to a car driving leisurely on a dark highway...
where there is no light available, but the ones coming from my headlights...

wary about being happy

i have always believed in the principle that "everything will be given to you, handed to you, even, when you are ready for it". to some extent i feel that you also have to be able to be prepared for it before it will be granted to you.

and now that i know what's imminent, im starting to question my beliefs. not really sure if im quite ready or deserving of this... happiness to be exact.

im been cruising through life with the tank just having enough fuel to run. im not complaining. had been perfectly fine with that. had been used to that for so long. now, im just getting pretty, pretty scared of having a shot at bliss...

i maybe too presumptuous about this but then again, being the eternally pathetic optimistic person that i am, i feel that things can only get better. truly glad with how things have been going my way.

anyway, if things make a sudden change in direction and makes a sour turn at disappointmentville, i know ill be able to cope. ive had years of training dealing with that.

as i turn 30....

i had a great 30th bithday...

it was something that i had been dreading for the longest time... like a little child afraid ofwhat is lurking underneath her bed at night... i got one of the biggest surprises of my life.
a few hours even before my birthday officially came, i received so many nice and wonderful greetings from my family and not-so-close friends.
it gave me a warm feeling to be remembered by these people, even though i think i made such a small contribution in enriching their lives.
i felt teary eyed and felt some minor constirctrions on my chest area.
i was prepared to do tons of work for the day ahead that was my birthday, and work it was...

all day long, my work got several interruptions from well wishers that really made my heart swell. at the end of the day, i had a hard time finding a ride home.. but it didn't matter, i felt happy...
it didn't matter that inconvenience walked me home..

i was overflowing with gratitude and joy.. i felt so at peace for my place in tis world.. i was probably dreading the worst that's why i was able to put evrything, every little thing, in perspective..

i'm still far off from reaching my desired destination in the corporate ladder.. but i was happy, happy to be at least in the running, happy that i still have the energy to compete, to perfect my craft, to prove my worth as a professional and as a person...

i may have displeased a handful of people in my workplace, but their insignificance is just not enough to throw me off balance..

i felt so blessed by being the recepient of such overflowing love that was given my way by friends and family....

my family, my happy imperfect family, who can be easily misunderstood by outsiders. i can nver imagine going through my tumultous thirty years of existence without them... the epitome of unconditional love.. i seldom air my angst and frustration to them fearful of adding to their burden and concerns, but their existence was enough to help unbuckle my knees during the long haul... their hands would surprisingly pull me out of the murky waters from where i always managed to get myself into...

and of course, how can i not mention my friends, those crazy people who pose as mature individuals, who collectively contradict each other... they have been the source of so many toasts and festering... strength in numbers... no man or woman shall be alone as long as they have friends...

as i turn thirty, i shall forever have this vivid memory etched in my heart... that this significant birthday made me realize the so many good things that i have and that i may still have...

the future hold so much promise for me...
i never thought that being thirty would be this good!!!