Dropping a line to say Hi to 2015 me

three years after my last entry...
my, oh my... how life has changed.

i went through my old blog entries...
no mater how many times i have read it over the past couple of years going in and out of this website, it stlill gives me that familiar feeling of amusement, mixed with a bit of melancholy, a bit of pride... and for some few entries, a bit of confusion.

this blog really proves that time dilutes most, if not all feelings...
i remember seeing a picture of me in my mind, tapping vigorously at the keyboard, noisy as always, feeding all my emotions into my post. doing my best tp describe my usual foggy thoughts & tumultuous dispostiion

fast forward to a couple of years, i cannot even find a remote memory of what i was talking/dramatizing about. and i sure as hell know that i thought back then it was the most important thing. and something that will forever be etched in my memory.

guess what, 2015 me... it's gone now. whether you want to remember or not.... it's gone.

i guess the brain is such a beautiful self-maintaining machine. such sophisticated IOS
deleting stuff that won't serve you well in the future. trying to free up space for more good things, good thoughts and good memories to come....

and to be honest, it's been a good life since then.
after that feeling of being lost, of being in limbo, of being dead inside...
i just really needed to become barren.
probably to kill every bit of toxicity that has grown in my mind and in my heart for those last couple of years.
i had to purge it all away. kill everything so that i can start anew. so that good things can start to grow under all that rubble
and that was exactly what happened.

when i read all the entries that i have written ever since i started this blog, i only have brief memories of everything. of how it was always on the verge of crashing down, all my attempts at happiness & love. there was so much drama and pain and hurt.
in my attempt to get what i want the most, i didn't realize that loving has to start within.

most of my (mis)adventures all led me to heartbreak. to that point wherein i never got chosen. never given much value. never became good enough.

but maybe, i allowed all of it to happen. i unknowingly gave people permission to treat me badly, because i thought i was already damaged/imperfect/good for whatever is left for me then.... and that led me through a number of years and relationships of being deprioritized by the people that i gave so much importance to.

i suffered a lot. yes.
but thankfully, i graduated from a the mess as well.

my life is so much different now.
my heart is overflowing with gratitude for this beautiful life that never ceases to amaze me on a daily basis.