the last weekend before christmas ...

The past few weeks after that fateful Friday night had nothing been a blur for me...
Everything happened so fast, yet strangely, so slow...


I have been running around trying my best to function normally, at the least most of the time, 
I couldn't find the energy to get out of bed every morning. 
The typical cant-sleep-at-night that follows a break-up never happened. I'd usually just have enough time to wash-up and read the tweets in bed, and before I know it.... zzzzzz. it's LA-LA land for me....


Sometimes, my dreams are haunted, like how I used to live my life when we were together.
The only difference is that its more hazy this time around.


I used to live in fear- as in the OA kind of fear- every or every other moment within the day.
Fear of knowing that i had just been used all along... fear of feeling that I had been played once again...
I can go on all day with fear being the topic....
I used to eat fear for breakfast... :(
and believe me, IT being the heaviest meal of the day, ideally, is not at all a good idea....


I still get episodes of bawling and emo-ing inside the car, and most recently, while looking out through the airplane window....
I still get the aching, constricting feeling whenever I hear a certain song that we used to dance or sing along to, I see a particular food that we used to cook or pig out on, I chance upon a channel or show that we used to watch or just set as a background while cleaning the house....


I have a trunkload of memories.....
A lot of good, but in retrospect, most of them really bad- traumatic even....


I shared a life with him... or so i thought.
I was never hesitant in giving whatever I had in my possession.... the most valuable among all them was time.


Sometimes, I think that this ending would never have happened had i been more careful with my words....
But then again, looking back..... I knew in my heart that this was bound to happen....
US had really never been enough for you...


Living with him thinking that Id go as far as I can endure the pain was a stupid way of living....
I had been fully unfair to myself because I  never gave myself the chance to choose whether that was good enough for me or not...


the last weekend before christmas.... im sitting here on my favorite spot, watching as people scramble through the rush....


but i am calm.... am not in a hurry....


there are still so many things and thoughts that i have to run through my head....
i don't want to hurry anymore....


life gave me a chunkful to think about this time....
i need time and like what he said.... 
SPACE to allow the dust to settle down....

still here...

most of the time, i tell myself that i want to end this self-inflicted pain... that id rather be alone and unhappy than have the uncertainty of him coupled with this hell ride of emotions...
most of the time, i start building up foundations of unlike for him, of why i don't need someone like that in my life, of how i have been alright existing without him, of why the bigger threat of being broken again should be enough reason for me to stay away...
i know all of that, i am not naive of the repercussions of my stupidity, of my carelessness..
and yet, when i think i have built up enough to protect myself, enough to move away at least by an inch..
i remember the look of him- and remember the gut-wrenching feeling that i get whenever i see the mischievous glint in his eyes, the lop-sided grin that seems as if it's still undecided, whether to give me just half- or the full-wide-grinned smile... the lanky walk, the artistic mix of sexy and the back-alley kind of swagger, as if he doesn't really care what you think of him, the way of speaking that commands yet can cajole if that is what the situation calls for, those big, big hands than can cover a lot of area and can give the most tender of all touches...
i am really hating myself so much this time, my mind has a "mind" of its own... not really doing what it's supposed to do. i punch the "forget" button, and it just won't obey. I punch the "move" button and its just stays where it is, not budging, despite all the commands and the warnings....
this is going to be a steep climb....