on a dark highway...

at this point in my life, i feel as if endless doors had been opened for me...
endless possibilities that before seemed remote and not feasible seemed larger than life now ..

there are some plans that are definite, and yet there are those that i really like to play around in my mind most of the time..

moving slowly.. sometimes fast.. sometimes contemplating.. and sometimes having a devil-may-care attitude.. but what happens next is something that thrills me like a little kid on the eve of Christmas... excited to take a peek of that brightly-wrapped Christmas present... tiptoeing in the poorly illuminated living room..

yup, that is how i see myself most of the time these days..

just as the week was about to end, my opinion towards a newborn a^*hole in my life kind of shifted.. on the shortest of short notices, once again, i threw away my cares... not even thinking of the implications or the opinion of that once-branded low life...

que sera sera....
i only live one Friday night at a time...
so sue me if i want to be happy....

but despite of my being carefree and all that sh#t...
im proud to say that i still haven't done anything that i am not proud of...

still have that conservative, nun-inspired way of living ingrained in my system
whether i like it or not....
but i think that im more thankful more than ever that i was taught to live that way...
i can still proudly look at myself in the mirror...
no regrets...

from the way im living my life right now, im likened to a car driving leisurely on a dark highway...
where there is no light available, but the ones coming from my headlights...

clean slate

i finally said goodbye to my marriage of more than a decade...
never thought id live to see the day when i would utter the inevitable two (okay,make that three) -worded sentence..

probably, the Divine One from up above helped build up the situation leading to the sad closure... something He probably cooked up so that I will not make the perpetual mistake of taking everything in stride... of always putting the blame on me whenever things don't work out as it should have.

even then, whenever i find myself in situations where there was absolutely no other sensible decision to make but to leave all these sh*t and litter, i'd always have second thoughts. i would always feel guilty. Even when i knew deep down that i had bled dry of anything that i can ever give.. blood, sweat and tears.. i always ended up thinking that they could still blame me- everyone-  for not trying hard enough or not giving what was expected.... for not having enough faith to see this through...

i know so well that i can wait for a million years, and still i wouldn't have been able to make an inch of progress from where i am right now in terms of the happiness race.

i am at the point in my life where i realized the importance of every friggin' goddamn minute... that i had wasted so much of... trying to work and wait for things to get better for us...
but now I know that it will never really come to that... no matter how long i wait or how hard i try..

And no, there is nobody in my life right now... No third party to make the jump easier, no seemingly sympathetic "friend" hovering in the periphery, no trampoline to break the fall...
This is one of those things that i had to do on my own. 

But the peace that came with this newfound freedom is something that I was not able to anticipate.

for the first time in my life, i took charge.
yes. im ready to take the blame, for whatever is going to happen from this point on.
finally, i was able to take the wheel and steer it to a much better destination. To where exactly, I have no idea. 

for the longest time, i had been too scared to have a say on the most important thing that was ever given to me: 

my life...

i would like to believe that it is not too late...

for me....
to take a shot at being happy...