chaos, still

i talked to a close friend of mine last night, quite a lengthy conversation, i must say. well, as expected, he was scolding me for all the stupidity that i have been doing. coaching me on how to best remedy my avoidable circumstance.

he said i have every- mind the word- right to demand my place in this world in his life. just the thought of actually broaching this subject with him makes me weaker than an invalid. i don't think i can even start a conversation that would thread on this subject... i know that i should have done this a long, long time ago.... or that i shouldn't have done what i did if i was too pea-brained and chicken to open up this topic with him..

everybody talks about it as if its the most natural thing in the world for me to do. what a catastrophe! putting together two "assuming" shy people who doesn't know how to eloquently phrase their feelings and stand point in this absurd arrangement...

what my friend advised me was immediately out to the test this morning, when spent some time with him, officially. yes, it was no different form high school. still that stiff, tight-lipped girl taking my refuge at flippancy and arrogance. it can still work its magic at deluding people- even him- from how chaotic im feeling inside,but my predicament remains unsolved and untangled.

this entry is probably or less jumbled than my mind right now. no words would probably suffice...
don't expect an intro, a body and a closing thought from this one, because there won't be any. this is plainly the ramblings a very, very lost individual just tapping away at the keyboard...

hold your breath

i think im actually getting the hang of this...
putting a safe (?) distance from the edge of the cliff.
although i know too well, that i can't keep on doing this for long.
im not built this way, and i also wouldn't want to think that i have grown into a completely cold-hearted b*t@h...
i still feel the stirrings of the human emotions tugging at my heart,
hinting it to open wider and become less rigid..

right now, everything seems to be constantly turning and changing colors..
muted, vivid, colorful, sunny, dull and gray... all morphing seamlessly into one ever evolving picture....

i know that things are as fragile as a tiny porcelain tea cup right now..
the succeeding scenes all hinge on everything you say and do..

wanted to hear so much more, wanted to verify, wanted to seek out answers from him...
and yet the fear when i would finally hear all them is so overwhelming...
it may possibly be pleasant to the ears, yet the odds are that it won't.

that is the sole reason why i chose to stay in the shadows up to now...
consciously making that choice to be in limbo indefinitely..
holding my breath longer than i should have..

on a dark highway...

at this point in my life, i feel as if endless doors had been opened for me...
endless possibilities that before seemed remote and not feasible seemed larger than life now ..

there are some plans that are definite, and yet there are those that i really like to play around in my mind most of the time..

moving slowly.. sometimes fast.. sometimes contemplating.. and sometimes having a devil-may-care attitude.. but what happens next is something that thrills me like a little kid on the eve of Christmas... excited to take a peek of that brightly-wrapped Christmas present... tiptoeing in the poorly illuminated living room..

yup, that is how i see myself most of the time these days..

just as the week was about to end, my opinion towards a newborn a^*hole in my life kind of shifted.. on the shortest of short notices, once again, i threw away my cares... not even thinking of the implications or the opinion of that once-branded low life...

que sera sera....
i only live one Friday night at a time...
so sue me if i want to be happy....

but despite of my being carefree and all that sh#t...
im proud to say that i still haven't done anything that i am not proud of...

still have that conservative, nun-inspired way of living ingrained in my system
whether i like it or not....
but i think that im more thankful more than ever that i was taught to live that way...
i can still proudly look at myself in the mirror...
no regrets...

from the way im living my life right now, im likened to a car driving leisurely on a dark highway...
where there is no light available, but the ones coming from my headlights...

wary about being happy

i have always believed in the principle that "everything will be given to you, handed to you, even, when you are ready for it". to some extent i feel that you also have to be able to be prepared for it before it will be granted to you.

and now that i know what's imminent, im starting to question my beliefs. not really sure if im quite ready or deserving of this... happiness to be exact.

im been cruising through life with the tank just having enough fuel to run. im not complaining. had been perfectly fine with that. had been used to that for so long. now, im just getting pretty, pretty scared of having a shot at bliss...

i maybe too presumptuous about this but then again, being the eternally pathetic optimistic person that i am, i feel that things can only get better. truly glad with how things have been going my way.

anyway, if things make a sudden change in direction and makes a sour turn at disappointmentville, i know ill be able to cope. ive had years of training dealing with that.

so bad it hurts

yup. saw him today.. several times but all too brief for me. not even lasting for more than a few minutes. too soon for someone who is missing someone so badly.
i shyly handed him some of the stuff that i bought for him from my trips. said thank you.
but that was it.
i wanted more that
not too much. not asking for so much.
it's just that i hope there might be some way we can be together longer.
more than mere acquaintances.. friends.
that word comes with some thorns attached to it.
but im willing to have that...

i'm really, really missing the good 'ol times.
shouldn't have had it in the first place...

trying to learn to say "NO"

slowly, one step at a time, i would like to think that i'm doing my part in creating a bigger distance between me and him.. i would like him to think that i am not easily affected by those corny, repetitive jests, those knowing smiles that is somewhat forcing you to smile too, those affectionate pat on the shoulder that has been happening all too often...

no...

i am so not affected by that....
not...

i want to be like that, though.. my ultimate goal...

it's just a matter of time and of course

i just need to have a stronger will to fight the easier, more enjoyable course of action...

with what i'm trying to accomplish, the feeling is akin to depriving myself of a bittersweet chocolate bar... or not having my caffeine fix.... even if it's just at your arm's length...

hard

tough

but i've got to do it. i have to learn to grow up. i have to start living in the real world. i have to respect my limitations.

prelude to goodbye....

something he said last friday stayed with me for the rest of the evening... an underlying messsage that could never be mistaken for anything else but... goodbye..
i guess, i subconsciously knew this was going to happen... was positive that this was going to happen. it was almost imposible that someone that intelligent can actully commit to doing something as stupid as what i had been hoping for... hahaha
no one can blame me for wishful thinking.. but then again, these are just the kind of thoughts swirling and playing around my head for the longest time.
i guess, i always knew that in situations like this, he'd always be the sensible one. definitely not me.
so, this is the part where i finally start loosening my grip on my favorite teddy bear... something i had held on for so long that wasn't even mine in the first place.
at least, i can say goodbye to him at my own pace..
slowly, please...

u-turn

i went for coffee for four times today.. i had all the coffee that i can ever drink.
during one coffee break today, i remembered the conversation that i had with my friend. discussing as usual about our nonexistent love lives, i told her that the reason why i'm probably almost crazy and irrational in dealing with this particular person, was because, i never got him to pursue me.. i mean, i was never able to make him like me completely, truly and .... madly???? hahaha
i guess i'm still standing on the same spot where he left me two years ago (geez, it's been that long??!). still dazed and effing confused... despite my seniority, he still and probably will always make me feel like a child... always wanting and failing to second guess what his next move would be.. never really knowing what he genuinely think of so many things... always managing to wreak havoc in my disposition and, yes, my life also..
i know that i'm sounding overacting and going a bit too far in my rantings, but then, this is the only thing that i can do to lessen the frustration that i'm feeling right now...
and what i hate most about myself, is that whenever i like a person too damn much, when & if the time will come that i sense that the feelings will be reciprocated... i get cold feet... and i mean, freaking ice cold feet.. i run like hell.. stupid..
pinning for something so hard yet not even brave enough to stick out my neck for it..
guess i'm just so in love with the "chase".. and when the chase is nearing it's dead end, i just turn around and head the other way...

i have a name for this condition

finally, without being diagnosed by a true medical doctor, i found the name for the condition that i suffer from whenever it get to spend a significant amount of time with a particular person... It's called "#@$%*shock"... just like the earthquake's aftershock, this kind of feeling will leave you feeling sleepy and useless the whole day after, 50% of the brain is useless, 75% of the body is also malfunctioning, most of the time finding it's way to the bed and has a tendency to hibernate until the sun is about to go down..
there are no known medications to treat this condition, no over-the-counter pill discovered yet to alleviate the episodes of blank stares, hot-headedness and laziness... sometimes a shake of the head, a slap on the face or a bangin' of head on the wall will hasten the recovery time of the patient..
these manifestations usually start to decrease after 24 hours, but, if symptom's persist, consult a true friend...

i hate this part

i hate the morning afters...
waking up from such a great night is a classic anticlimax..
can't say im complaining
i love being with him...
but then again, he will never see me the way i see him..

guess, i just have to learn to be content in my place in this world.
to be given what i have been getting..
others have much, much less to be thankful for & much, much more to be worried about.
i really hate this part...