a surprise visit from the panic monster

i haven't felt this way for quite sometime now... 'guess, it's bound to come back every once in a while.... i hate this... it's a combination of feeling like your falling down a dark, bottomless pit where you don't have anything to hold on to in order to stop or delay the fall, having thousands of butterflies being allowed to circle nonstop in your stomach, like you've been running from something or someone you can't see but you know you're being chased, like a pair of thick arms are holding you down- you can't move and also can't breathe, like you're being sucked into a black hole, like you are riding a roller coaster-only this time the part that you're riding flew from the tracks and you're thrown somewhere near the sky.....
in layman's terms, i am having a panic attack.....
brought on by the combination of so many stress factors that i am exposed to right now....
stress from relationships, work, lack of sleep, too much walking, not enough good converation, and posibly too much caffeine and nicotine.....
even the songs that i'm listening to in my player is making me jumpy....
there are no lessons to be discovered here in this entry, no moral of the story....
simply my best effort to alleviate my panic-stricken disposition.... hope this works

missing jerry

it's been weeks since my son had left our house.... he wanted to spend his summer vacation with my in-laws... now, he seems to be enjoying his stay there, he doesn't want to come back to our house... whenever i would ask him when he'll be coming back, he'd just let out a grunt and mumble something undecipherable over the phone...
i miss my son so much. we used to stay up late and do our own thing together.... he'd be playing with his toys while i'd be doing some reading or take-home work beside him....
now, it makes me think that probably i did a poor job of being a mother to him...i wasn't good enough for him to miss me or want to be with me.... i thought i was doing an ok job of being a mom... what with all the things that i had to do all at the same time, juggling my carreer, my other side businesses and taking care of their daily needs single-handedly, it thought that my performance level, if not great was at least, good enough...
i dont even know how to act on this emotion that i'm feeling right now... it's as if i've been rejected by my own son...

home sweet home.... is it really?

this is my first day to report again from work... had a business with pleasure trip last week from hongkong... had a great time while i was there... but coming back here was a big letdown for me.

i knew that other people would be envious of the trip that i took... 'just hadn't thought that their negativity towards it would affect me this much....

why can't people just be happy for other people's luck? or happiness? is it really human nature to pull someone else down into an abyss of resentment when they seem like they have a chance of being happier than you?

i am happy with my work and it just makes me so sad that others spend their time looking at other's faults and weaknesses... some even go through the trouble of using their power to give others a hard time....

why can't we all just get along?

all i can hope right now is for these people to get abundantly showered with blessings so that they can stop wasting their time breathing down my neck...

But then again, judging by the way they act and live their lives.... I doubt that anything would be good enough for them....

They can have a trunkload of good news delivered through their doorstep, yet what they'll notice is the speck of dust that lay at the surface of the trunk....

It's sad that there are people like these scattered all over the face of the earth.... or to be specific, in my workplace...