the last weekend before christmas ...

The past few weeks after that fateful Friday night had nothing been a blur for me...
Everything happened so fast, yet strangely, so slow...


I have been running around trying my best to function normally, at the least most of the time, 
I couldn't find the energy to get out of bed every morning. 
The typical cant-sleep-at-night that follows a break-up never happened. I'd usually just have enough time to wash-up and read the tweets in bed, and before I know it.... zzzzzz. it's LA-LA land for me....


Sometimes, my dreams are haunted, like how I used to live my life when we were together.
The only difference is that its more hazy this time around.


I used to live in fear- as in the OA kind of fear- every or every other moment within the day.
Fear of knowing that i had just been used all along... fear of feeling that I had been played once again...
I can go on all day with fear being the topic....
I used to eat fear for breakfast... :(
and believe me, IT being the heaviest meal of the day, ideally, is not at all a good idea....


I still get episodes of bawling and emo-ing inside the car, and most recently, while looking out through the airplane window....
I still get the aching, constricting feeling whenever I hear a certain song that we used to dance or sing along to, I see a particular food that we used to cook or pig out on, I chance upon a channel or show that we used to watch or just set as a background while cleaning the house....


I have a trunkload of memories.....
A lot of good, but in retrospect, most of them really bad- traumatic even....


I shared a life with him... or so i thought.
I was never hesitant in giving whatever I had in my possession.... the most valuable among all them was time.


Sometimes, I think that this ending would never have happened had i been more careful with my words....
But then again, looking back..... I knew in my heart that this was bound to happen....
US had really never been enough for you...


Living with him thinking that Id go as far as I can endure the pain was a stupid way of living....
I had been fully unfair to myself because I  never gave myself the chance to choose whether that was good enough for me or not...


the last weekend before christmas.... im sitting here on my favorite spot, watching as people scramble through the rush....


but i am calm.... am not in a hurry....


there are still so many things and thoughts that i have to run through my head....
i don't want to hurry anymore....


life gave me a chunkful to think about this time....
i need time and like what he said.... 
SPACE to allow the dust to settle down....

in limbo

i randomly surfed the net trying to numb my brain from the painful wave of memories engulfing me at the moment... then i saw my previous post. 4 months= same stupid dilemma


what could be worse than knowing you are still rooted at the same darn spot after all the awakenings and unmistakable revelations that you've seen?


what could be worse than knowing that the brilliant mind that God gave you still remain unused when it comes to your personal happiness (and misery)?


am still here.... in a trance.... after God knows how many cycles I've been into. still nursing that glimmer of hope in my heart that there could be a possible happily-ever-after in this story...


still caught up in the smoke of illusion... in the state of denial...


my heart constricts, my soul cries deeply..
i still ache, i still hurt, i still hope....

confusion is an understatement

Its day 8. Im probably the only slightly above average IQ'd person that i know who will be willing to be a part of this stupid arrangement.
I know that i deserve more than this, yet i cant seem to have the courage, hell, common sense, more like it to get off of this toxic pit.
Torn between being too stupid to face reality or too afraid to get away from it all... completely.
If i jst had at least a tenth of my brain properly functioning, i would have left this, him.
Yet i cant.
Couldnt pass up this last few fleeting moments of sharing a joke, eating a meal, taking a ride, waking up on the same bed in a really chilly room with him.
Everything for me had been special.
For him, its jst one of those things that jst happen.
And after findng abt all the lies and alibis that he had given me all these months, i still couldnt find it in my heart to hate him, much more feel indifference...
Hatred should probably be directed to me. For being stupid as hell...

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lesson learned

Attempt # 1: Asked him out to dinner
Yep, I got a so-so answer. Let's keep in touch within the week. Let's see what our sched permits. Nothing concrete. Nothing worth getting excited over. I deserved that.
I had thrown so many acidic words his way. The least tha tI could do is to be more understanding of his lack of interest. Dinner came. It was good. Just like before.
These are probably the things that time cannot dilute. the great chemistry that we have.
Attempt # 2: Aked him out to dinner (again)
This time, the answer was bound to drive away the weak of heart, the undecided.
No. he i did not give me any encouragements, nor he drove me away.
still, I deserved that.
But when the "day" came, i did not push the issue. I didn't want him to feel that I'm on the prowl. I want it so much, but if he's decided to not have me in his life, i'd let him be.
He called. He tried to make me leave my companions. He retreated and joined us instead.
He stayed. He was working, he looked tired, he looked restless. But, he stayed.
By the end of the night, I could sense the war going on inside his brain. i just couldn't pick out on what about exactly. He drove me to the parking lot. He asked if we can still stay. He waited.
And that was probably the high point of my life in a month....
Haven't been so glad hearing that he ACTUALLY still wants to be with me.
After everything.... all the dark days that I have lived through.
He explained his side, and I know too well that he was right.
I am a certified NUTCASE.
I made his life a living hell, with all my mood swings and bp moments.
He may look like he doesn't care, but it is not true....

Now, things have been reversed. He used to be the one to think of things and times where and when we'll hang out. Now, i can feel the hesitation on his part. He most probably is wary of giving me access in his life once again. I had the chance and i sort of blew it. I'd ask him a question yet I'd rather believe the malicious voices in my head.

I need some serious help. Badly.
I dont want to lose this chance again.
with or without encouragement, he cant get rid of me easily this time around....

craziness..

More than a month has passed.
I have gone from completely miserable, to devastated. to really angry, to catatonic, to melancholic, to regretful, resentful, to almost hysterical to utterly crazy....
Yep, i have gone through the whole circus that one goes through after a "break-up"
I'm still in it, actually. Still reeling from the roller coaster of emotions. And am still wondering when it will ever stop, if it will...
I've  done the most sensible, noble, mature up to the most stupendous things...


Yesterday, I went out of my way to have a quick dinner with him. Literally squeezing him into my ever-tight schedule. Sooo like me. Rearranging my life just to make space for that one person.


I am a bundle of uncertainties and insecurities right now. Hell, I can't even guess what my next thoughts would be.. 


For the life of me, I've done my utmost to keep myself preoccupied. I've been lazy, selfish, altruistic, carefree and all that. But at the end of the day... After all the excitement has wound down, after the beauty of the fireworks has gone out, after the music has stopped, after all the visitors have left... I am left with no one but myself, and my every loyal friend- loneliness.


Right now, all I can think about was that I made the biggest mistake of ending what we had... it was premature.. it was my paranoia that got that best of me.. 

too painful

The last time that i walked out of his house was wednesday. It is a saturday today. I can barely imagine how i managed to live through the succeeding days of my life. How i managed to get home, how i ws able to pull off a presentation, how i was even able to finish and focus on two movies.
The steady ache that i feel is just much too painful for me to bear.
All the memories that we had are playing on repeat through my head.
But this time, i know that for him, it dont mean anything.
I had stayed that long in his life because i allowed myself to accept that kind of stupid arrangement. I thought i had just been my imagination wreaking havoc on my sanity. But my intution was right. I never meant anything to him. It was all a case of what was most convenient for him. And it hurts like hell to realize that.
I was never gonna be good enough for him. I was nver a part of his life. Just an accessory to a machine. It would function with or without the accessory. Not important.

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cooking for two...

Im still partly full from the big meal that we prepared yesterday. Most of it done for the first time. And i must say, the result was more than decent tasting.
Looking back...
I love grocery shopping with you. Any outsider would think that we are a newly married couple. Both full of excitement for life. Both giggly. Both content on pushing the cart side-by-side with each other.
I love cooking with you. We both hate dirty counter tops. We share the comfortable silence while you chop the onions and i mash the potatoes. We both anticipate how gooey the cheese will become on top of the french onion soup.
I love eating with you. After the exhaustion of preparing a meal, we grade it with the eye of a critic. We praise and applaud what we'vr done. Then, we could hardly stand up straight. Over fullness of the belly.
I love watching you sleep. After a full meal and a full day. I love just being tangled with you on the couch watching through the windows as the sun go down. Wondering how other people have spent their saturday. Saying to myself that i woudnt have spent mine any other way.
I love the way you try to like having coffee and desert with me. Even if you'd rather be home resting. Trying to make everything seem normal with you eventhough you look like you're about to hit the floor. Still thinking on how make me feel thought of.
I love being with you. At whatever point in the day. Doing whatever.
You make me happy.
No need to analyze things.
I jst wanna be happy with you.
Because i am.

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saved!

I hate it when you do that.
You always keep me outta trouble.
But then, it has an affinity to me.
You take care of me when im sick.
You give me every little good thing.
You eat with me eventhough you dislike my taste.
You act like my doctor and monitor my health.
You look out for me.
You keep me safe.
You make me happy.

You do not have an OFFICIAL place in my life.
But i sure am glad that you are there.
You can stay there as long as you want to.

For all the moments that you took it upon yourself to look aftr me... thank you...

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the end

I finally got tired.
Tired of getting scared.
Tired of being constantly followed with the feeling of dread...
As it wakes up my slumber and puts me to sleep at night.
Im hurting... terribly.
This is the beginning of the end.

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clarity.... at last

now, more than ever....
i have come to realize with utmost clarity tht this negativity has got to stop. NOW!
im just a few steps from losing one of the best things that ever came my way.

last december, i prayed deeply for this. i asked, begged for that BIG guy up above to give me this one chance, one fair chance of trying to make this work.
one time.
one chance.
devoid of the ugliness that came along with it. of all the complexities. of all the complcations.

fast forward to the present time, and all im doing is wallowing in self-pity. putting myself as an easy target to all the demons and evil vibes... threatening to ruin what i most hoped for. prayed for.

i guess, for the longest time, i had been on the verge of making myself do an all-or nothing decision. had spent countless hours going through the past few weeks. mostly happy, blissful to be exact. trying to find fault, trying to lok for a crack, trying to build on a case that wasnt even there in the first place.

but, i guess, timing is everything. it had been revealed to me, at least. it is clear. the haze has gone.

it had been me and my stupid fears playing tricks on me. and none of them are anyhting close to being funny.

i want to post this. to immortalize this moment where i realized where i am. and more importantly, where i want to go. and possibly some clue on how to go about it.
so that somewhere along the way, i might forget about this momentous occasion, when i go looneycrazy again, i just have to glue my eyes on this entry.

this should suffice.

all i have to do is undo the damage and make up for the craziness that i had done in the past few weeks....

hope its not to late....

how come i never learn????

how can i possibly move on from where i am?
when i couldn't even begin to have the answer to my questiuon of.... "where to?"

i feel traped yet i know that it is only i who can grant myself freedom.

i couldnt blame that other person because i walked willingly into this mess
albeit, was even happy and full of giddyness when this all started..

he had been consistent.
me, on the other hand, had been otherwise.

panic and negativity had been constantly greeting me up in the mornings and lulling me to sleep. the past three months had been too ingrained in my memory, that it kind of kept my foot glued to that part of my life. scenes of bleak nights and walking alone in the corridors are like post-its that keep on flying in floating in front of my face.

still couldn't find it in my heart to do the right and most obvious thing.
darn stupid.

probably because i see his efforts...
we may not be made of the same stuff, act on diferent modes but i do not want to lose sight of everything. even the most trivial stuff...

i wanna do what's right for me... for him... for our future...
but then, do i even know between what is right from wrong?

my excuse = pms :-\

Before i knew what was coming, i had already been b*tchin' and becoming extra difficult. I started feeling and saying things i wouldn't normally do. It was pretty harsg being the recepient of my mood swings.
All the while i ws justifying my "antics".
It had been unfair to him.
But now I appreciate him more than ever... :-)

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