hold your breath

i think im actually getting the hang of this...
putting a safe (?) distance from the edge of the cliff.
although i know too well, that i can't keep on doing this for long.
im not built this way, and i also wouldn't want to think that i have grown into a completely cold-hearted b*t@h...
i still feel the stirrings of the human emotions tugging at my heart,
hinting it to open wider and become less rigid..

right now, everything seems to be constantly turning and changing colors..
muted, vivid, colorful, sunny, dull and gray... all morphing seamlessly into one ever evolving picture....

i know that things are as fragile as a tiny porcelain tea cup right now..
the succeeding scenes all hinge on everything you say and do..

wanted to hear so much more, wanted to verify, wanted to seek out answers from him...
and yet the fear when i would finally hear all them is so overwhelming...
it may possibly be pleasant to the ears, yet the odds are that it won't.

that is the sole reason why i chose to stay in the shadows up to now...
consciously making that choice to be in limbo indefinitely..
holding my breath longer than i should have..

as i turn 30....

i had a great 30th bithday...

it was something that i had been dreading for the longest time... like a little child afraid ofwhat is lurking underneath her bed at night... i got one of the biggest surprises of my life.
a few hours even before my birthday officially came, i received so many nice and wonderful greetings from my family and not-so-close friends.
it gave me a warm feeling to be remembered by these people, even though i think i made such a small contribution in enriching their lives.
i felt teary eyed and felt some minor constirctrions on my chest area.
i was prepared to do tons of work for the day ahead that was my birthday, and work it was...

all day long, my work got several interruptions from well wishers that really made my heart swell. at the end of the day, i had a hard time finding a ride home.. but it didn't matter, i felt happy...
it didn't matter that inconvenience walked me home..

i was overflowing with gratitude and joy.. i felt so at peace for my place in tis world.. i was probably dreading the worst that's why i was able to put evrything, every little thing, in perspective..

i'm still far off from reaching my desired destination in the corporate ladder.. but i was happy, happy to be at least in the running, happy that i still have the energy to compete, to perfect my craft, to prove my worth as a professional and as a person...

i may have displeased a handful of people in my workplace, but their insignificance is just not enough to throw me off balance..

i felt so blessed by being the recepient of such overflowing love that was given my way by friends and family....

my family, my happy imperfect family, who can be easily misunderstood by outsiders. i can nver imagine going through my tumultous thirty years of existence without them... the epitome of unconditional love.. i seldom air my angst and frustration to them fearful of adding to their burden and concerns, but their existence was enough to help unbuckle my knees during the long haul... their hands would surprisingly pull me out of the murky waters from where i always managed to get myself into...

and of course, how can i not mention my friends, those crazy people who pose as mature individuals, who collectively contradict each other... they have been the source of so many toasts and festering... strength in numbers... no man or woman shall be alone as long as they have friends...

as i turn thirty, i shall forever have this vivid memory etched in my heart... that this significant birthday made me realize the so many good things that i have and that i may still have...

the future hold so much promise for me...
i never thought that being thirty would be this good!!!

venturing into unchartered teritory

last sunday, i greeted someone through the messenger service.. what started as an innocent birthday greeting ended up in a one-of-a-kind heart-to-heart conversation.. it's like going into that part of the house that you never even thought had a door...

it just wasnt something i have ever thought possible. sometimes, you meet someone, they become your friends and you eventually drift apart ,for some reason you decided to stop exerting sso much effort just to keep your friendship.

after two years, one of you surprisingly opens up, and a dam of emotions just pours out. just a little less pride was all we needed... we could have saved ourselves a ton of misery and disappointment...

it just tells me, that everyhthing happens when they're supposed to.... you just can't make the world conform to your timelines.. it just doesn't work that way...

when all was said and done.. apologies and promises put into place... what do you have next??

better individuals.
a friendship that has a better chance to blossom.
healed spirit
regained confidence in people
gratitude from the heart.......