on the edge of my seat

last friday was the first and only time that i turned him down and was caught "kind-of" lying to him... i felt uneasy. this feeling had never left me ever since i ended out phone conversation last friday. i was thinking that following the book that i bought might help push our relationship where it should be headed- whether positive or negative. but now, i really don't know. i feel like i just blew all my chances of sharing anything with him.
of course, before that incident, i was still unsure of where i wanted to take this vicious carnival ride that had been going onfor years..
still don't know the exact destination, yet i feel as if my heart is being squeezed empty whenever i remember the disappointment in his voice. can't seem to shake that from my thoughts

he was the one who told me to keep an open mind, yet why do i feel as if what im doing is so wrong and hurtful???

is it my fault that he just doesn't have the balls to commit???
or that he doesnt realize what he wants???

no way...

i don't know what it is about the storm last night... but i woke up today with a resolution that i have never felt in a long, long time. somehow, in the middle of the night, my random thoughts and emotions seemed to have cinched in a common goal.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN THIS TRASH ANYMORE!
Yes, there may have been nothing extraordinary about me, what with my flaws and faults, but then I now that I deserve more than what im getting right now.
I deserve to be remembered not just on fridays.. and i definitely deserve more than a paid meal..
nope, i won't settle for that anymore...

still here...

most of the time, i tell myself that i want to end this self-inflicted pain... that id rather be alone and unhappy than have the uncertainty of him coupled with this hell ride of emotions...
most of the time, i start building up foundations of unlike for him, of why i don't need someone like that in my life, of how i have been alright existing without him, of why the bigger threat of being broken again should be enough reason for me to stay away...
i know all of that, i am not naive of the repercussions of my stupidity, of my carelessness..
and yet, when i think i have built up enough to protect myself, enough to move away at least by an inch..
i remember the look of him- and remember the gut-wrenching feeling that i get whenever i see the mischievous glint in his eyes, the lop-sided grin that seems as if it's still undecided, whether to give me just half- or the full-wide-grinned smile... the lanky walk, the artistic mix of sexy and the back-alley kind of swagger, as if he doesn't really care what you think of him, the way of speaking that commands yet can cajole if that is what the situation calls for, those big, big hands than can cover a lot of area and can give the most tender of all touches...
i am really hating myself so much this time, my mind has a "mind" of its own... not really doing what it's supposed to do. i punch the "forget" button, and it just won't obey. I punch the "move" button and its just stays where it is, not budging, despite all the commands and the warnings....
this is going to be a steep climb....

chaos, still

i talked to a close friend of mine last night, quite a lengthy conversation, i must say. well, as expected, he was scolding me for all the stupidity that i have been doing. coaching me on how to best remedy my avoidable circumstance.

he said i have every- mind the word- right to demand my place in this world in his life. just the thought of actually broaching this subject with him makes me weaker than an invalid. i don't think i can even start a conversation that would thread on this subject... i know that i should have done this a long, long time ago.... or that i shouldn't have done what i did if i was too pea-brained and chicken to open up this topic with him..

everybody talks about it as if its the most natural thing in the world for me to do. what a catastrophe! putting together two "assuming" shy people who doesn't know how to eloquently phrase their feelings and stand point in this absurd arrangement...

what my friend advised me was immediately out to the test this morning, when spent some time with him, officially. yes, it was no different form high school. still that stiff, tight-lipped girl taking my refuge at flippancy and arrogance. it can still work its magic at deluding people- even him- from how chaotic im feeling inside,but my predicament remains unsolved and untangled.

this entry is probably or less jumbled than my mind right now. no words would probably suffice...
don't expect an intro, a body and a closing thought from this one, because there won't be any. this is plainly the ramblings a very, very lost individual just tapping away at the keyboard...

hold your breath

i think im actually getting the hang of this...
putting a safe (?) distance from the edge of the cliff.
although i know too well, that i can't keep on doing this for long.
im not built this way, and i also wouldn't want to think that i have grown into a completely cold-hearted b*t@h...
i still feel the stirrings of the human emotions tugging at my heart,
hinting it to open wider and become less rigid..

right now, everything seems to be constantly turning and changing colors..
muted, vivid, colorful, sunny, dull and gray... all morphing seamlessly into one ever evolving picture....

i know that things are as fragile as a tiny porcelain tea cup right now..
the succeeding scenes all hinge on everything you say and do..

wanted to hear so much more, wanted to verify, wanted to seek out answers from him...
and yet the fear when i would finally hear all them is so overwhelming...
it may possibly be pleasant to the ears, yet the odds are that it won't.

that is the sole reason why i chose to stay in the shadows up to now...
consciously making that choice to be in limbo indefinitely..
holding my breath longer than i should have..

the farthest that i have come

three decades of existing and i did not see this coming...
up to the last minute, i didn't know that i had what it takes to finally get my ass off and make that turn off onto that dark, dark alley...

sometimes, it seems like a curse to have been born to be too much of a cerebral-over-analyzing-too-logical-for-my-own-good kind of girl...
a blessing for not being easily carried away by my forever-shifting emotions...

only a person like myself would need a weekend's worth of thinking and evaluating a situation that would have been as easy as 1-2-3 for everybody... but no, not me...
well, at least something good came out of it. when i finally decided i wanted to have it, i was so sure of my decision. i can never blame it on emotions or even hormones.

this was well thought of...
no regrets.
just that stupid looking smile on my face
and that far-off look in my eyes...

despite the distance that i have gone,
the effort that i have put up,
i never really heard the whole story.

just a glimpse of his life, of his emotions, of himself...
that will have to suffice for now...

on a dark highway...

at this point in my life, i feel as if endless doors had been opened for me...
endless possibilities that before seemed remote and not feasible seemed larger than life now ..

there are some plans that are definite, and yet there are those that i really like to play around in my mind most of the time..

moving slowly.. sometimes fast.. sometimes contemplating.. and sometimes having a devil-may-care attitude.. but what happens next is something that thrills me like a little kid on the eve of Christmas... excited to take a peek of that brightly-wrapped Christmas present... tiptoeing in the poorly illuminated living room..

yup, that is how i see myself most of the time these days..

just as the week was about to end, my opinion towards a newborn a^*hole in my life kind of shifted.. on the shortest of short notices, once again, i threw away my cares... not even thinking of the implications or the opinion of that once-branded low life...

que sera sera....
i only live one Friday night at a time...
so sue me if i want to be happy....

but despite of my being carefree and all that sh#t...
im proud to say that i still haven't done anything that i am not proud of...

still have that conservative, nun-inspired way of living ingrained in my system
whether i like it or not....
but i think that im more thankful more than ever that i was taught to live that way...
i can still proudly look at myself in the mirror...
no regrets...

from the way im living my life right now, im likened to a car driving leisurely on a dark highway...
where there is no light available, but the ones coming from my headlights...

clean slate

i finally said goodbye to my marriage of more than a decade...
never thought id live to see the day when i would utter the inevitable two (okay,make that three) -worded sentence..

probably, the Divine One from up above helped build up the situation leading to the sad closure... something He probably cooked up so that I will not make the perpetual mistake of taking everything in stride... of always putting the blame on me whenever things don't work out as it should have.

even then, whenever i find myself in situations where there was absolutely no other sensible decision to make but to leave all these sh*t and litter, i'd always have second thoughts. i would always feel guilty. Even when i knew deep down that i had bled dry of anything that i can ever give.. blood, sweat and tears.. i always ended up thinking that they could still blame me- everyone-  for not trying hard enough or not giving what was expected.... for not having enough faith to see this through...

i know so well that i can wait for a million years, and still i wouldn't have been able to make an inch of progress from where i am right now in terms of the happiness race.

i am at the point in my life where i realized the importance of every friggin' goddamn minute... that i had wasted so much of... trying to work and wait for things to get better for us...
but now I know that it will never really come to that... no matter how long i wait or how hard i try..

And no, there is nobody in my life right now... No third party to make the jump easier, no seemingly sympathetic "friend" hovering in the periphery, no trampoline to break the fall...
This is one of those things that i had to do on my own. 

But the peace that came with this newfound freedom is something that I was not able to anticipate.

for the first time in my life, i took charge.
yes. im ready to take the blame, for whatever is going to happen from this point on.
finally, i was able to take the wheel and steer it to a much better destination. To where exactly, I have no idea. 

for the longest time, i had been too scared to have a say on the most important thing that was ever given to me: 

my life...

i would like to believe that it is not too late...

for me....
to take a shot at being happy...

spinning round and round

yes, i did it.
finally did the unthinkable.
went head on and plunged to the deep, deep end of the pond.

no regrets, really.
had the best weekend of my life.
did not overthink, for the first time.
blissful
the smile stayed on my lips until the wee hours of the morning, even in my sleep.

so... this is what it felt like to be happy... really, truly happy..

what i felt at that time was not forced nor imagined..

the aftershocks- out of this world
makes my head spin non-stop day in and day out

a roller coaster ride over and over again
i don't know if im up for the whole shenanigan..

one minute he's by my side
gone the next
too confusing..

it's like walking on a hanging bridge that just stretches way too long ahead of me
makes my knees wooble continuously...

im soo too old for this...

armor for my heart

i just had to write this down...
this feeling of panic that is taking over me like a tsunami...

im so, so, so scared of falling over the cliff
I have always known that it's only a matter of time. but i never thought that it would be sooner..
much, much sooner..

things have been sailing quite smoothly for me for as long as i can remember. a little bit of happiness here and there. but nothing too major. nothing too earth shattering.
i had been quite successful in keeping the wall standing tall and firm all these time, until now...

it may have only been me doing all the drama this time.. possibly only me...
but still i can't help but keep my emotions unperturbed.
i haven't been this vulnerable for ... years!!!

being hurt continuously for over a decade by the same person at least taught me to stand a little farther from the edge, to wear even the tiniest bit of armor in front of my heart, to at least reserve some love and respect for myself...

but now, i'm so afraid that i maybe baring too much of myself.. exposing too much of my weak side, of my fears, my passion, my life...
i know all too well that the chances of losing are far more greater than even winning the consolation prize..
i know i shouldn't even be dreaming of joining this challenge, this bet..

but i also know that i do not have the strength in me to turn this down.
i cannot walk away from this...
not when it makes me too damn happy to be with him...

wary about being happy

i have always believed in the principle that "everything will be given to you, handed to you, even, when you are ready for it". to some extent i feel that you also have to be able to be prepared for it before it will be granted to you.

and now that i know what's imminent, im starting to question my beliefs. not really sure if im quite ready or deserving of this... happiness to be exact.

im been cruising through life with the tank just having enough fuel to run. im not complaining. had been perfectly fine with that. had been used to that for so long. now, im just getting pretty, pretty scared of having a shot at bliss...

i maybe too presumptuous about this but then again, being the eternally pathetic optimistic person that i am, i feel that things can only get better. truly glad with how things have been going my way.

anyway, if things make a sudden change in direction and makes a sour turn at disappointmentville, i know ill be able to cope. ive had years of training dealing with that.

butterflies in my stomach v.2

something happened...

something i didn't see coming... an idea i do not even allow to my thoughts to toy with even in my weakest moments..

it's not that i do not like it. just that i dont know if i can go through this, if i am even born with the ability to see this through....

too many virtuous and moral teachings pumped into my little useless head...

cant figure out if the emotion that im feeling is excitement or dread. this is definetely a step up from the usual thing that i have been doing..

im not complaining. just dont know if this is something that im prepared to deal with right now...

weakening

how can one tell if your down on the last bend in the road???

i know myself all too well. i have the determination of a horse. knows only one goal and one goal alone. i can run only on one side of the track should i chose to have that decision. yes, there is no stopping me once i have decided on one thing...

but really, at this point in my life. weariness is slowly getting the best of me.

being verbally abused and taken for granted is taking its toll on me. sometimes, even not being given the right to cry and feel bad is enough to break even the toughest of all. i get tired too. i fumble also. and yes, i also get hurt....

i get weak all too often in the past months. trying my utmost to cling on to something....

a spark of hope. a reassuring smile. a pat on the back. a thumbs up sign. a happy thought....

anything.

anything would help at this point in time.

if someone took my hands and decided to drag me elsewhere, i probably would be too weak to struggle or fight it.

falling all over again...

"i wanna know, who ever told you i was letting go???"

yep. found out that he still has it. still can make me feel like doing the cartwheel with just the slightest gesture. still can make me stop everything within the drop of a hat. still can make me feel like mush. sucks, though, being me and all that.

despite having that tough girl persona, im no good at pretending to "joe".
the one and only person who doesnt even ask, yet im already halfway on spilling the facts of my life. if i were in a tv series, i'd be disgusted at my character. such a wimp whenever it coomes to joe.
always, bending myself backwards just to please him.
and the saddest part of it, anybody who can see me with him, instantly knows that im disgustingly head over heels in love with him. aw, shucks... i said the L word. this is so not good at all....
without even the promise of a quarter of a percent chance of having my emotions reciprocated, stil, i plunge again and again into that black hole.
what a schmuck...

girls are stupid

this is one those days where i can brazenly say that i can live alone.
and i mean that in the "relationship" aspect. i mean, all men are so similar. it's like they had a secret middle school that they went to sometime during their teenage years wherein they were taught how they should think of their supposed "superiority", how to disregard girls' feelings, how to easily detach one's feelings even from the closest companions... how to break a heart in cold blood... oh, and i almost forgot... how to lie through their teeth...

these things are the core competencies that the male species should have mastered by the time they reach puberty..

every woman knows all of these facts... and that's the point... they are already considered FACTS... because it has been proven over and over through the years.. had already passed the test of time...

and yet, we still long for that one male person who we hope would be different from the rest of their flock.. waiting for someone who we think was especially made for us, to make us happy, to make us "whole", to give "meaning" to our life...

the probability is almost nil, yet every girl continues their quest, their vigil, their mission...

everyone, and that means, including me....

so bad it hurts

yup. saw him today.. several times but all too brief for me. not even lasting for more than a few minutes. too soon for someone who is missing someone so badly.
i shyly handed him some of the stuff that i bought for him from my trips. said thank you.
but that was it.
i wanted more that
not too much. not asking for so much.
it's just that i hope there might be some way we can be together longer.
more than mere acquaintances.. friends.
that word comes with some thorns attached to it.
but im willing to have that...

i'm really, really missing the good 'ol times.
shouldn't have had it in the first place...

withdrawal syndromes

can't believe that it was more than a month since my last entry... been too busy being busy.. running all over the place... been trying to be busy enough so i won't have the time to overanalyze my life. won't have the time to feel melancholy. won't have the time to miss anyone.. or rather... someone..

well, i guess i have to get used to this. as i've told myself over and over about a few years ago... "nobody dies from loneliness or from a broken heart". sure, some people would like to think that that's possible. but, physiologically, it really is not... only the drama queens and kings would think that way. but i refuse to live like that anymore.

sure, its lonely. but this is just right. right doesn't always make you happy. sometimes, i wish that my parents could have raised me in a different way. always thinking of what is righteous..

can't i just be bad? even for just one time. for just once in my life. forget about being the prudent person that i was raised to be....

this is useless...

i wonder if there's someone out there having the same sorry situation like me...

trying to learn to say "NO"

slowly, one step at a time, i would like to think that i'm doing my part in creating a bigger distance between me and him.. i would like him to think that i am not easily affected by those corny, repetitive jests, those knowing smiles that is somewhat forcing you to smile too, those affectionate pat on the shoulder that has been happening all too often...

no...

i am so not affected by that....
not...

i want to be like that, though.. my ultimate goal...

it's just a matter of time and of course

i just need to have a stronger will to fight the easier, more enjoyable course of action...

with what i'm trying to accomplish, the feeling is akin to depriving myself of a bittersweet chocolate bar... or not having my caffeine fix.... even if it's just at your arm's length...

hard

tough

but i've got to do it. i have to learn to grow up. i have to start living in the real world. i have to respect my limitations.

prelude to goodbye....

something he said last friday stayed with me for the rest of the evening... an underlying messsage that could never be mistaken for anything else but... goodbye..
i guess, i subconsciously knew this was going to happen... was positive that this was going to happen. it was almost imposible that someone that intelligent can actully commit to doing something as stupid as what i had been hoping for... hahaha
no one can blame me for wishful thinking.. but then again, these are just the kind of thoughts swirling and playing around my head for the longest time.
i guess, i always knew that in situations like this, he'd always be the sensible one. definitely not me.
so, this is the part where i finally start loosening my grip on my favorite teddy bear... something i had held on for so long that wasn't even mine in the first place.
at least, i can say goodbye to him at my own pace..
slowly, please...

u-turn

i went for coffee for four times today.. i had all the coffee that i can ever drink.
during one coffee break today, i remembered the conversation that i had with my friend. discussing as usual about our nonexistent love lives, i told her that the reason why i'm probably almost crazy and irrational in dealing with this particular person, was because, i never got him to pursue me.. i mean, i was never able to make him like me completely, truly and .... madly???? hahaha
i guess i'm still standing on the same spot where he left me two years ago (geez, it's been that long??!). still dazed and effing confused... despite my seniority, he still and probably will always make me feel like a child... always wanting and failing to second guess what his next move would be.. never really knowing what he genuinely think of so many things... always managing to wreak havoc in my disposition and, yes, my life also..
i know that i'm sounding overacting and going a bit too far in my rantings, but then, this is the only thing that i can do to lessen the frustration that i'm feeling right now...
and what i hate most about myself, is that whenever i like a person too damn much, when & if the time will come that i sense that the feelings will be reciprocated... i get cold feet... and i mean, freaking ice cold feet.. i run like hell.. stupid..
pinning for something so hard yet not even brave enough to stick out my neck for it..
guess i'm just so in love with the "chase".. and when the chase is nearing it's dead end, i just turn around and head the other way...

i have a name for this condition

finally, without being diagnosed by a true medical doctor, i found the name for the condition that i suffer from whenever it get to spend a significant amount of time with a particular person... It's called "#@$%*shock"... just like the earthquake's aftershock, this kind of feeling will leave you feeling sleepy and useless the whole day after, 50% of the brain is useless, 75% of the body is also malfunctioning, most of the time finding it's way to the bed and has a tendency to hibernate until the sun is about to go down..
there are no known medications to treat this condition, no over-the-counter pill discovered yet to alleviate the episodes of blank stares, hot-headedness and laziness... sometimes a shake of the head, a slap on the face or a bangin' of head on the wall will hasten the recovery time of the patient..
these manifestations usually start to decrease after 24 hours, but, if symptom's persist, consult a true friend...

i hate this part

i hate the morning afters...
waking up from such a great night is a classic anticlimax..
can't say im complaining
i love being with him...
but then again, he will never see me the way i see him..

guess, i just have to learn to be content in my place in this world.
to be given what i have been getting..
others have much, much less to be thankful for & much, much more to be worried about.
i really hate this part...

in the middle of the night...

sometimes, you stop and think... and i mean really think...
is there ever really a way of knowing if the person snoring right beside you, was the one you're meant to spend the rest of your days with???
so many quarrels and misunderstandings have come and gone.. and you're dying to know...
when can you really say that you've reached the end of the road?

i have often used the century-old excuse of the binding power of matrimony, and the altruistic path of raising children having both parents...

happiness have always been an elusive guest in my life. sometimes, just stopping by for a minute... coming in just to have coffee... but almost never staying for a couple of days...

i have always been visited by his cousin, hope and it's sister patience... they usually stay for quite a while... sometimes, they move in with me to stay quite longer than they do with other people. don't get me wrong, but i love those two dearly...

sometimes, i get bolder than usual and invite Freedom to come live with me... no such luck, though...

he just sent me a message through our common friend Anticipation, saying "someday, i'll finally reside with you... when the time is right... when the innocent will not get hurt.."

i hold on to that promise...