on being happy...

this is actually a continuation of my previous post...

i just want to be happy...
im sick and tired of bowing my head to every god damn bullsh!t that had been shoved down my throat. of course, one can see it as a snowball effect of my previous mistakes, but where does the suffering stop?
i did some stupid things when i was so much younger and i thought that i'd pay penance by taking in everything after that...

it just made me a bitter, resentful and miserable person in the process....
it was a good thing that i have learned how to cope with the trauma, stress and depression.
now, all i want to do is to be happy. to be able to
sing (and dance) to more songs (reggae, rap, rock , you name it!)
chase every butterfly that tickles my fancy
eat every imaginable dish, any time of the day
talk about what-not's, without the fear of being judged
ride the roller coaster again
sleep soundly at night, (and if i get lucky, i might get to have sweet dreams, as well)
walk to the end of the beach
stare at the moon until my eyes hurt
drive really, really fast
jump over the cliff

so many things still left to do... yes, i want to believe that there is so much to life...
despite being left on the rut of the road for a long time, its good to feel that my tires are rolling down the highway once again....

can't say goodbye.... just yet

for the life of me, i don't think i will ever be able to figure out this one person... i can never really second guess what his next move would be...
month after month, he keeps changing his act... i personally have concluded that he has very little or no interest in me... we barely spend time together. unless one can consider "regularly" as being together once in a month or two...
but, the people around me have the strongest feeling that there is something much deeper than what they see. the bond that we share is probably too... thick that you can almost touch it. so obvious (to them), that despite our physical distance and ultra-seldom meetings, they have this unshakeable belief that whenever we come in contact with each other, it's different.
despite the numerous times that they have convinced me of what they see, i dont really think i can count on their speculations.
i guess i have mixed feelings about it...
i honestly, truly love the character of this person. we get along pretty well. we enjoy each other's company. but my life is far from uncomplicated.
talk about wrong timing...
life would probably be so much easier if i had met this person five years ago....
....or probably not even...

i just want to enjoy what's there for the taking...
i don't want to deny myself the chance to be happy even if it's just for a moment...
i believe that i did my time kkeping it low, taking me and my happiness for granted for the longest time....

the martian is back....

the man that i love to hate and hate to love is back again...
just when i have made up my mind to shut him out of my life... he'd come back with the vengeance ... yes, he is back to being the kind of person that i have learned to love....

he is so unfair.... he knows just what buttons to push...
he's calling the shots in a very subtle, unassuming and incredibly genius way of manipulating a person....

i love him for being the brilliant, sweet, understanding, insightful and sensitive person that he is... but i know that he is not my cup of tea...
probably someday....
when he's older...
when he's more mature...
when he has grown tired of "exploring"....
when he is almost done with his "life's checklist"....

i'll never stop being his friend. because we both know that we love doing and talking about almost the same things... i'll always be here for him but i won't wait....
things that are meant to happen will happen... we'll live life and see it from different corners of the room... we'll see what happens when it happens...

goodbye summer...

summer this year had been the hottest that i've seen so far.... it was only this year that you can feel your sweat trickling down your eyebrows despite doing nothing.... i mean, the phrase, "baked in the sun..." can actually happen to you if you're not careful...

but it was also this year that i did get the most trips to the beach, hence, i got a lot of tan (read as: toasted).... my glutathione double doses were no match to the scorching heat... but i guess, i can overlook the fact the my skin did get way too dark for me for the fact that i did get a double dose of my "summer fun" ... (despite my complicated situationt....)

looking back on all the things that i did in the past three months... 'cant help but smile for the craziness and all good fun things that i did....

rainy season is slowly creeping in and it is making it slow but sure way of becoming yet an endearing season for me (and maybe to the rest of the people in this planet....) i just absolutely love the last few minutes when the temperature starts to drop and the wind becomes cooler... just before the first few drops of the rain falls.... i just love it... i savor those very few precious moments... just like the minute before you open your presents on christmas morning....

im really looking forward to more moments like these, what with the rainy season and the cooler months ahead... i know more fun is coming my way....

thanks for the memories....

this is probably the first of my hopefully last attempt to get this guy out of my head.... when something or someone becomes a toxic entity to ur being... the most sensible way is to get away from it as far as you can...

and no matter how hard it is to try to forgo the could've beens... you gotta say "sayonara" when it stops being fun...

despite the short good times that youve shared... you just have to have respect for yourself and for the other person involved and give each other the much needed space to breathe...

life still has so much to offer.... to give us growth, hapiness and fulfillment....
sometimes, we just get to hung up on one idea, thing or person that we fail to see a much bigger and better opportunity....

i guess im hoping something great will open up for me at this point in time... because all i see is a blank wall. But im going to try my damndest best to summon all my powers into believing that the best is just a "waiting-in-line" away...

i just hope that "he" will make it easy for me to forget him....

thoughts about shopping....

last sat, i agreed to meet my mom at one of the malls near our house... despite of the fact that we live under one roof, we had to work our way through our busy schedules in order to have time together... so, she casually asked me if i can lend her my invaluable fashion sense to help her pick out the right matching shoes and bag for her outfit in their upcoming reunion....
i found her through the throngs of people all trying to find the right pair of shoes before school opens two days from that horribly jampacked weekend at the mall...
she saw some of the so-so pairs of shoes already and o can't believe that she was willing to shell out almost a thousand bucks for a pair of slip-ons that doesnt even deserve my time of the day.... being a bit old and all that, she was about to give up and buy the first thing that fit her not so badly... i didnt want to put her down, i just gave her the signature pa-konsiyensya line that im known for and told her that i wouldnt even think of doing that if i was in her place....

so, she drew strength from i dont know where and decided to play the song according to my tune... we went in and out of the boutiques wide range of choices.... she, not showing signs of fatigue and boredom over the task of picking the right pair.... and finally, she saw one that met my approval... a beige, high-heeled pair that made her feet look younger and made her skin smoother... she paid for it... and voila... she has a new pair of shoes... the act of swiping her card through the machine seemed to emanate additional energy for her to endure another shopping expedition in order to find the right bag.... to make the long, long story short.... we found a great ensemble for her.....
actually, thi sis just the intoduction.... our shopping escapade just made me realize that one shouldn't be afraid to stop hoping that you will eventually find the right pair... just like in searching for the right partner.... oh, sure, the search is a long and tiring endeavor that will leave you weary and most of the time, feeling more alone than before you started.... sometimes, you find a pair of shoes that would probably do the trick, but you know in your heart that that is not the "one" for you, for so many reasons.... that it probably doesnt have enough endurance to last you through he whole journey, or it might cause you more pain than comfort, eventhough it makes your feet look good.... despite the blisters and calluses, you'd think that it probably will fade and that it was just part of the "break-in" process... you look long and hard, and sometimes you feel that you were about to give up, because probably, that pair of shoes made just for your feet doesnt even exist in the real world....

but like in shopping, no ,matter how tired you've become... never lose hope.... because you'll never know, that there is a posibility that when you turn on the next corner, you might find yourself the one true "shoe" that was meant to be only for you....

shoe or men.... i believe their one and the same.....

men are from mars....

early part of last year, someone came into my life... actually, he didn't realy come in the truest sense... he just sort of appeared and disapeared but kept on hovering on the outskirts of my so-called life...

can't say that he is insignificant because for so many times since i've known him (in six short months), he was able to turn my world upside down, drive me crazy in trying to decipher his actions and words, threw me off-guard with his upfront words of wisdom and unplanned , drop-off the hat decisions, and made me want to change myself according to his liking much to my dismay....

he made me feel all sorts of extreme emotions all at once... never had the most difficulty in trying to figure out someone... sometimes, out of desperation, i'd make the decision to put him completely out of my life or not give as much importance, at the least....

but, just when i thought that im strong enough to ignore him... i found out time and time again that im not....

try as i might to push him at arm's length of my life, i can't seem to have the will to do it... my sensibilities argues with my sensitive side... try to protect myself from more hurts or give myself the chance to be happy...

i know im sounding like a confused daisy, and i guess, that is what i probably am right now...

i take what i can get and not ask for something that someone isn't wiling to give up for me... yet...

count your blessings is probably the best cliche that can work for my life right now... and that's exactly what im going to do...