clean slate

i finally said goodbye to my marriage of more than a decade...
never thought id live to see the day when i would utter the inevitable two (okay,make that three) -worded sentence..

probably, the Divine One from up above helped build up the situation leading to the sad closure... something He probably cooked up so that I will not make the perpetual mistake of taking everything in stride... of always putting the blame on me whenever things don't work out as it should have.

even then, whenever i find myself in situations where there was absolutely no other sensible decision to make but to leave all these sh*t and litter, i'd always have second thoughts. i would always feel guilty. Even when i knew deep down that i had bled dry of anything that i can ever give.. blood, sweat and tears.. i always ended up thinking that they could still blame me- everyone-  for not trying hard enough or not giving what was expected.... for not having enough faith to see this through...

i know so well that i can wait for a million years, and still i wouldn't have been able to make an inch of progress from where i am right now in terms of the happiness race.

i am at the point in my life where i realized the importance of every friggin' goddamn minute... that i had wasted so much of... trying to work and wait for things to get better for us...
but now I know that it will never really come to that... no matter how long i wait or how hard i try..

And no, there is nobody in my life right now... No third party to make the jump easier, no seemingly sympathetic "friend" hovering in the periphery, no trampoline to break the fall...
This is one of those things that i had to do on my own. 

But the peace that came with this newfound freedom is something that I was not able to anticipate.

for the first time in my life, i took charge.
yes. im ready to take the blame, for whatever is going to happen from this point on.
finally, i was able to take the wheel and steer it to a much better destination. To where exactly, I have no idea. 

for the longest time, i had been too scared to have a say on the most important thing that was ever given to me: 

my life...

i would like to believe that it is not too late...

for me....
to take a shot at being happy...

as i turn 30....

i had a great 30th bithday...

it was something that i had been dreading for the longest time... like a little child afraid ofwhat is lurking underneath her bed at night... i got one of the biggest surprises of my life.
a few hours even before my birthday officially came, i received so many nice and wonderful greetings from my family and not-so-close friends.
it gave me a warm feeling to be remembered by these people, even though i think i made such a small contribution in enriching their lives.
i felt teary eyed and felt some minor constirctrions on my chest area.
i was prepared to do tons of work for the day ahead that was my birthday, and work it was...

all day long, my work got several interruptions from well wishers that really made my heart swell. at the end of the day, i had a hard time finding a ride home.. but it didn't matter, i felt happy...
it didn't matter that inconvenience walked me home..

i was overflowing with gratitude and joy.. i felt so at peace for my place in tis world.. i was probably dreading the worst that's why i was able to put evrything, every little thing, in perspective..

i'm still far off from reaching my desired destination in the corporate ladder.. but i was happy, happy to be at least in the running, happy that i still have the energy to compete, to perfect my craft, to prove my worth as a professional and as a person...

i may have displeased a handful of people in my workplace, but their insignificance is just not enough to throw me off balance..

i felt so blessed by being the recepient of such overflowing love that was given my way by friends and family....

my family, my happy imperfect family, who can be easily misunderstood by outsiders. i can nver imagine going through my tumultous thirty years of existence without them... the epitome of unconditional love.. i seldom air my angst and frustration to them fearful of adding to their burden and concerns, but their existence was enough to help unbuckle my knees during the long haul... their hands would surprisingly pull me out of the murky waters from where i always managed to get myself into...

and of course, how can i not mention my friends, those crazy people who pose as mature individuals, who collectively contradict each other... they have been the source of so many toasts and festering... strength in numbers... no man or woman shall be alone as long as they have friends...

as i turn thirty, i shall forever have this vivid memory etched in my heart... that this significant birthday made me realize the so many good things that i have and that i may still have...

the future hold so much promise for me...
i never thought that being thirty would be this good!!!