on the edge of my seat

last friday was the first and only time that i turned him down and was caught "kind-of" lying to him... i felt uneasy. this feeling had never left me ever since i ended out phone conversation last friday. i was thinking that following the book that i bought might help push our relationship where it should be headed- whether positive or negative. but now, i really don't know. i feel like i just blew all my chances of sharing anything with him.
of course, before that incident, i was still unsure of where i wanted to take this vicious carnival ride that had been going onfor years..
still don't know the exact destination, yet i feel as if my heart is being squeezed empty whenever i remember the disappointment in his voice. can't seem to shake that from my thoughts

he was the one who told me to keep an open mind, yet why do i feel as if what im doing is so wrong and hurtful???

is it my fault that he just doesn't have the balls to commit???
or that he doesnt realize what he wants???