still here...

most of the time, i tell myself that i want to end this self-inflicted pain... that id rather be alone and unhappy than have the uncertainty of him coupled with this hell ride of emotions...
most of the time, i start building up foundations of unlike for him, of why i don't need someone like that in my life, of how i have been alright existing without him, of why the bigger threat of being broken again should be enough reason for me to stay away...
i know all of that, i am not naive of the repercussions of my stupidity, of my carelessness..
and yet, when i think i have built up enough to protect myself, enough to move away at least by an inch..
i remember the look of him- and remember the gut-wrenching feeling that i get whenever i see the mischievous glint in his eyes, the lop-sided grin that seems as if it's still undecided, whether to give me just half- or the full-wide-grinned smile... the lanky walk, the artistic mix of sexy and the back-alley kind of swagger, as if he doesn't really care what you think of him, the way of speaking that commands yet can cajole if that is what the situation calls for, those big, big hands than can cover a lot of area and can give the most tender of all touches...
i am really hating myself so much this time, my mind has a "mind" of its own... not really doing what it's supposed to do. i punch the "forget" button, and it just won't obey. I punch the "move" button and its just stays where it is, not budging, despite all the commands and the warnings....
this is going to be a steep climb....

prelude to goodbye....

something he said last friday stayed with me for the rest of the evening... an underlying messsage that could never be mistaken for anything else but... goodbye..
i guess, i subconsciously knew this was going to happen... was positive that this was going to happen. it was almost imposible that someone that intelligent can actully commit to doing something as stupid as what i had been hoping for... hahaha
no one can blame me for wishful thinking.. but then again, these are just the kind of thoughts swirling and playing around my head for the longest time.
i guess, i always knew that in situations like this, he'd always be the sensible one. definitely not me.
so, this is the part where i finally start loosening my grip on my favorite teddy bear... something i had held on for so long that wasn't even mine in the first place.
at least, i can say goodbye to him at my own pace..
slowly, please...

u-turn

i went for coffee for four times today.. i had all the coffee that i can ever drink.
during one coffee break today, i remembered the conversation that i had with my friend. discussing as usual about our nonexistent love lives, i told her that the reason why i'm probably almost crazy and irrational in dealing with this particular person, was because, i never got him to pursue me.. i mean, i was never able to make him like me completely, truly and .... madly???? hahaha
i guess i'm still standing on the same spot where he left me two years ago (geez, it's been that long??!). still dazed and effing confused... despite my seniority, he still and probably will always make me feel like a child... always wanting and failing to second guess what his next move would be.. never really knowing what he genuinely think of so many things... always managing to wreak havoc in my disposition and, yes, my life also..
i know that i'm sounding overacting and going a bit too far in my rantings, but then, this is the only thing that i can do to lessen the frustration that i'm feeling right now...
and what i hate most about myself, is that whenever i like a person too damn much, when & if the time will come that i sense that the feelings will be reciprocated... i get cold feet... and i mean, freaking ice cold feet.. i run like hell.. stupid..
pinning for something so hard yet not even brave enough to stick out my neck for it..
guess i'm just so in love with the "chase".. and when the chase is nearing it's dead end, i just turn around and head the other way...

i have a name for this condition

finally, without being diagnosed by a true medical doctor, i found the name for the condition that i suffer from whenever it get to spend a significant amount of time with a particular person... It's called "#@$%*shock"... just like the earthquake's aftershock, this kind of feeling will leave you feeling sleepy and useless the whole day after, 50% of the brain is useless, 75% of the body is also malfunctioning, most of the time finding it's way to the bed and has a tendency to hibernate until the sun is about to go down..
there are no known medications to treat this condition, no over-the-counter pill discovered yet to alleviate the episodes of blank stares, hot-headedness and laziness... sometimes a shake of the head, a slap on the face or a bangin' of head on the wall will hasten the recovery time of the patient..
these manifestations usually start to decrease after 24 hours, but, if symptom's persist, consult a true friend...