The past few weeks after that fateful Friday night had nothing been a blur for me...Everything happened so fast, yet strangely, so slow...
I have been running around trying my best to function normally, at the least most of the time,
I couldn't find the energy to get out of bed every morning.
The typical cant-sleep-at-night that follows a break-up never happened. I'd usually just have enough time to wash-up and read the tweets in bed, and before I know it.... zzzzzz. it's LA-LA land for me....
Sometimes, my dreams are haunted, like how I used to live my life when we were together.
The only difference is that its more hazy this time around.
I used to live in fear- as in the OA kind of fear- every or every other moment within the day.
Fear of knowing that i had just been used all along... fear of feeling that I had been played once again...
I can go on all day with fear being the topic....
I used to eat fear for breakfast... :(
and believe me, IT being the heaviest meal of the day, ideally, is not at all a good idea....
I still get episodes of bawling and emo-ing inside the car, and most recently, while looking out through the airplane window....
I still get the aching, constricting feeling whenever I hear a certain song that we used to dance or sing along to, I see a particular food that we used to cook or pig out on, I chance upon a channel or show that we used to watch or just set as a background while cleaning the house....
I have a trunkload of memories.....
A lot of good, but in retrospect, most of them really bad- traumatic even....
I shared a life with him... or so i thought.
I was never hesitant in giving whatever I had in my possession.... the most valuable among all them was time.
Sometimes, I think that this ending would never have happened had i been more careful with my words....
But then again, looking back..... I knew in my heart that this was bound to happen....
US had really never been enough for you...
Living with him thinking that Id go as far as I can endure the pain was a stupid way of living....
I had been fully unfair to myself because I never gave myself the chance to choose whether that was good enough for me or not...
the last weekend before christmas.... im sitting here on my favorite spot, watching as people scramble through the rush....
but i am calm.... am not in a hurry....
there are still so many things and thoughts that i have to run through my head....
i don't want to hurry anymore....
life gave me a chunkful to think about this time....
i need time and like what he said....
SPACE to allow the dust to settle down....
