clarity.... at last

now, more than ever....
i have come to realize with utmost clarity tht this negativity has got to stop. NOW!
im just a few steps from losing one of the best things that ever came my way.

last december, i prayed deeply for this. i asked, begged for that BIG guy up above to give me this one chance, one fair chance of trying to make this work.
one time.
one chance.
devoid of the ugliness that came along with it. of all the complexities. of all the complcations.

fast forward to the present time, and all im doing is wallowing in self-pity. putting myself as an easy target to all the demons and evil vibes... threatening to ruin what i most hoped for. prayed for.

i guess, for the longest time, i had been on the verge of making myself do an all-or nothing decision. had spent countless hours going through the past few weeks. mostly happy, blissful to be exact. trying to find fault, trying to lok for a crack, trying to build on a case that wasnt even there in the first place.

but, i guess, timing is everything. it had been revealed to me, at least. it is clear. the haze has gone.

it had been me and my stupid fears playing tricks on me. and none of them are anyhting close to being funny.

i want to post this. to immortalize this moment where i realized where i am. and more importantly, where i want to go. and possibly some clue on how to go about it.
so that somewhere along the way, i might forget about this momentous occasion, when i go looneycrazy again, i just have to glue my eyes on this entry.

this should suffice.

all i have to do is undo the damage and make up for the craziness that i had done in the past few weeks....

hope its not to late....

how come i never learn????

how can i possibly move on from where i am?
when i couldn't even begin to have the answer to my questiuon of.... "where to?"

i feel traped yet i know that it is only i who can grant myself freedom.

i couldnt blame that other person because i walked willingly into this mess
albeit, was even happy and full of giddyness when this all started..

he had been consistent.
me, on the other hand, had been otherwise.

panic and negativity had been constantly greeting me up in the mornings and lulling me to sleep. the past three months had been too ingrained in my memory, that it kind of kept my foot glued to that part of my life. scenes of bleak nights and walking alone in the corridors are like post-its that keep on flying in floating in front of my face.

still couldn't find it in my heart to do the right and most obvious thing.
darn stupid.

probably because i see his efforts...
we may not be made of the same stuff, act on diferent modes but i do not want to lose sight of everything. even the most trivial stuff...

i wanna do what's right for me... for him... for our future...
but then, do i even know between what is right from wrong?