taking it real slow...

once again, i learned that something genuine and natural can never be diluted by neither time nor distance... it's like having that special connection with someone where you can pick up where you left off... as if, the time that have elaspsed since you last conversed was just a few minutes ago whereas in reality, weeks have passed wherein the closest thing that can be considered a conversation was a glance or a slight tip of the head to acknowledge one another's presence...
in this time and age where careers and personal interests pull a person in several fidderent directions all at the same time, it is comforting to know that i have someone who i can sit down with and watch as our lives unravel before our very eyes... even just for a little while....sitting by the sidelines and watching how other people crazily do their damndest to keep juggling their balls up in the air...
no frills, just talk... or sometimes, silence is enough... words sometimes have a way of distorting the real message that we want to convey to another person... words are just too complicated for human beings to use when they want to express something important.... the best thing to do is to listen and to observe... the best form of communication.
our mouths lie too damn much...
one just has to be more keen... watch the subtleties... it's all there for you to see... the gestures that are manifested long before they have time to check themselves in midway...
i like where i am right now... and i am so thankful that i did not pace myself so fast to get here... because i know that i could've missed out on a lot... im thankful for the slight ambiguity of my place in this world... for the lack of a definitive label on every little entity that i involve myself into...
everything's worth, especially the value of friendship, can only be tested through time.... and im certain... there are no shortcuts....

on being happy...

this is actually a continuation of my previous post...

i just want to be happy...
im sick and tired of bowing my head to every god damn bullsh!t that had been shoved down my throat. of course, one can see it as a snowball effect of my previous mistakes, but where does the suffering stop?
i did some stupid things when i was so much younger and i thought that i'd pay penance by taking in everything after that...

it just made me a bitter, resentful and miserable person in the process....
it was a good thing that i have learned how to cope with the trauma, stress and depression.
now, all i want to do is to be happy. to be able to
sing (and dance) to more songs (reggae, rap, rock , you name it!)
chase every butterfly that tickles my fancy
eat every imaginable dish, any time of the day
talk about what-not's, without the fear of being judged
ride the roller coaster again
sleep soundly at night, (and if i get lucky, i might get to have sweet dreams, as well)
walk to the end of the beach
stare at the moon until my eyes hurt
drive really, really fast
jump over the cliff

so many things still left to do... yes, i want to believe that there is so much to life...
despite being left on the rut of the road for a long time, its good to feel that my tires are rolling down the highway once again....

can't say goodbye.... just yet

for the life of me, i don't think i will ever be able to figure out this one person... i can never really second guess what his next move would be...
month after month, he keeps changing his act... i personally have concluded that he has very little or no interest in me... we barely spend time together. unless one can consider "regularly" as being together once in a month or two...
but, the people around me have the strongest feeling that there is something much deeper than what they see. the bond that we share is probably too... thick that you can almost touch it. so obvious (to them), that despite our physical distance and ultra-seldom meetings, they have this unshakeable belief that whenever we come in contact with each other, it's different.
despite the numerous times that they have convinced me of what they see, i dont really think i can count on their speculations.
i guess i have mixed feelings about it...
i honestly, truly love the character of this person. we get along pretty well. we enjoy each other's company. but my life is far from uncomplicated.
talk about wrong timing...
life would probably be so much easier if i had met this person five years ago....
....or probably not even...

i just want to enjoy what's there for the taking...
i don't want to deny myself the chance to be happy even if it's just for a moment...
i believe that i did my time kkeping it low, taking me and my happiness for granted for the longest time....

the martian is back....

the man that i love to hate and hate to love is back again...
just when i have made up my mind to shut him out of my life... he'd come back with the vengeance ... yes, he is back to being the kind of person that i have learned to love....

he is so unfair.... he knows just what buttons to push...
he's calling the shots in a very subtle, unassuming and incredibly genius way of manipulating a person....

i love him for being the brilliant, sweet, understanding, insightful and sensitive person that he is... but i know that he is not my cup of tea...
probably someday....
when he's older...
when he's more mature...
when he has grown tired of "exploring"....
when he is almost done with his "life's checklist"....

i'll never stop being his friend. because we both know that we love doing and talking about almost the same things... i'll always be here for him but i won't wait....
things that are meant to happen will happen... we'll live life and see it from different corners of the room... we'll see what happens when it happens...

goodbye summer...

summer this year had been the hottest that i've seen so far.... it was only this year that you can feel your sweat trickling down your eyebrows despite doing nothing.... i mean, the phrase, "baked in the sun..." can actually happen to you if you're not careful...

but it was also this year that i did get the most trips to the beach, hence, i got a lot of tan (read as: toasted).... my glutathione double doses were no match to the scorching heat... but i guess, i can overlook the fact the my skin did get way too dark for me for the fact that i did get a double dose of my "summer fun" ... (despite my complicated situationt....)

looking back on all the things that i did in the past three months... 'cant help but smile for the craziness and all good fun things that i did....

rainy season is slowly creeping in and it is making it slow but sure way of becoming yet an endearing season for me (and maybe to the rest of the people in this planet....) i just absolutely love the last few minutes when the temperature starts to drop and the wind becomes cooler... just before the first few drops of the rain falls.... i just love it... i savor those very few precious moments... just like the minute before you open your presents on christmas morning....

im really looking forward to more moments like these, what with the rainy season and the cooler months ahead... i know more fun is coming my way....

thanks for the memories....

this is probably the first of my hopefully last attempt to get this guy out of my head.... when something or someone becomes a toxic entity to ur being... the most sensible way is to get away from it as far as you can...

and no matter how hard it is to try to forgo the could've beens... you gotta say "sayonara" when it stops being fun...

despite the short good times that youve shared... you just have to have respect for yourself and for the other person involved and give each other the much needed space to breathe...

life still has so much to offer.... to give us growth, hapiness and fulfillment....
sometimes, we just get to hung up on one idea, thing or person that we fail to see a much bigger and better opportunity....

i guess im hoping something great will open up for me at this point in time... because all i see is a blank wall. But im going to try my damndest best to summon all my powers into believing that the best is just a "waiting-in-line" away...

i just hope that "he" will make it easy for me to forget him....

thoughts about shopping....

last sat, i agreed to meet my mom at one of the malls near our house... despite of the fact that we live under one roof, we had to work our way through our busy schedules in order to have time together... so, she casually asked me if i can lend her my invaluable fashion sense to help her pick out the right matching shoes and bag for her outfit in their upcoming reunion....
i found her through the throngs of people all trying to find the right pair of shoes before school opens two days from that horribly jampacked weekend at the mall...
she saw some of the so-so pairs of shoes already and o can't believe that she was willing to shell out almost a thousand bucks for a pair of slip-ons that doesnt even deserve my time of the day.... being a bit old and all that, she was about to give up and buy the first thing that fit her not so badly... i didnt want to put her down, i just gave her the signature pa-konsiyensya line that im known for and told her that i wouldnt even think of doing that if i was in her place....

so, she drew strength from i dont know where and decided to play the song according to my tune... we went in and out of the boutiques wide range of choices.... she, not showing signs of fatigue and boredom over the task of picking the right pair.... and finally, she saw one that met my approval... a beige, high-heeled pair that made her feet look younger and made her skin smoother... she paid for it... and voila... she has a new pair of shoes... the act of swiping her card through the machine seemed to emanate additional energy for her to endure another shopping expedition in order to find the right bag.... to make the long, long story short.... we found a great ensemble for her.....
actually, thi sis just the intoduction.... our shopping escapade just made me realize that one shouldn't be afraid to stop hoping that you will eventually find the right pair... just like in searching for the right partner.... oh, sure, the search is a long and tiring endeavor that will leave you weary and most of the time, feeling more alone than before you started.... sometimes, you find a pair of shoes that would probably do the trick, but you know in your heart that that is not the "one" for you, for so many reasons.... that it probably doesnt have enough endurance to last you through he whole journey, or it might cause you more pain than comfort, eventhough it makes your feet look good.... despite the blisters and calluses, you'd think that it probably will fade and that it was just part of the "break-in" process... you look long and hard, and sometimes you feel that you were about to give up, because probably, that pair of shoes made just for your feet doesnt even exist in the real world....

but like in shopping, no ,matter how tired you've become... never lose hope.... because you'll never know, that there is a posibility that when you turn on the next corner, you might find yourself the one true "shoe" that was meant to be only for you....

shoe or men.... i believe their one and the same.....

men are from mars....

early part of last year, someone came into my life... actually, he didn't realy come in the truest sense... he just sort of appeared and disapeared but kept on hovering on the outskirts of my so-called life...

can't say that he is insignificant because for so many times since i've known him (in six short months), he was able to turn my world upside down, drive me crazy in trying to decipher his actions and words, threw me off-guard with his upfront words of wisdom and unplanned , drop-off the hat decisions, and made me want to change myself according to his liking much to my dismay....

he made me feel all sorts of extreme emotions all at once... never had the most difficulty in trying to figure out someone... sometimes, out of desperation, i'd make the decision to put him completely out of my life or not give as much importance, at the least....

but, just when i thought that im strong enough to ignore him... i found out time and time again that im not....

try as i might to push him at arm's length of my life, i can't seem to have the will to do it... my sensibilities argues with my sensitive side... try to protect myself from more hurts or give myself the chance to be happy...

i know im sounding like a confused daisy, and i guess, that is what i probably am right now...

i take what i can get and not ask for something that someone isn't wiling to give up for me... yet...

count your blessings is probably the best cliche that can work for my life right now... and that's exactly what im going to do...

a surprise visit from the panic monster

i haven't felt this way for quite sometime now... 'guess, it's bound to come back every once in a while.... i hate this... it's a combination of feeling like your falling down a dark, bottomless pit where you don't have anything to hold on to in order to stop or delay the fall, having thousands of butterflies being allowed to circle nonstop in your stomach, like you've been running from something or someone you can't see but you know you're being chased, like a pair of thick arms are holding you down- you can't move and also can't breathe, like you're being sucked into a black hole, like you are riding a roller coaster-only this time the part that you're riding flew from the tracks and you're thrown somewhere near the sky.....
in layman's terms, i am having a panic attack.....
brought on by the combination of so many stress factors that i am exposed to right now....
stress from relationships, work, lack of sleep, too much walking, not enough good converation, and posibly too much caffeine and nicotine.....
even the songs that i'm listening to in my player is making me jumpy....
there are no lessons to be discovered here in this entry, no moral of the story....
simply my best effort to alleviate my panic-stricken disposition.... hope this works

missing jerry

it's been weeks since my son had left our house.... he wanted to spend his summer vacation with my in-laws... now, he seems to be enjoying his stay there, he doesn't want to come back to our house... whenever i would ask him when he'll be coming back, he'd just let out a grunt and mumble something undecipherable over the phone...
i miss my son so much. we used to stay up late and do our own thing together.... he'd be playing with his toys while i'd be doing some reading or take-home work beside him....
now, it makes me think that probably i did a poor job of being a mother to him...i wasn't good enough for him to miss me or want to be with me.... i thought i was doing an ok job of being a mom... what with all the things that i had to do all at the same time, juggling my carreer, my other side businesses and taking care of their daily needs single-handedly, it thought that my performance level, if not great was at least, good enough...
i dont even know how to act on this emotion that i'm feeling right now... it's as if i've been rejected by my own son...

home sweet home.... is it really?

this is my first day to report again from work... had a business with pleasure trip last week from hongkong... had a great time while i was there... but coming back here was a big letdown for me.

i knew that other people would be envious of the trip that i took... 'just hadn't thought that their negativity towards it would affect me this much....

why can't people just be happy for other people's luck? or happiness? is it really human nature to pull someone else down into an abyss of resentment when they seem like they have a chance of being happier than you?

i am happy with my work and it just makes me so sad that others spend their time looking at other's faults and weaknesses... some even go through the trouble of using their power to give others a hard time....

why can't we all just get along?

all i can hope right now is for these people to get abundantly showered with blessings so that they can stop wasting their time breathing down my neck...

But then again, judging by the way they act and live their lives.... I doubt that anything would be good enough for them....

They can have a trunkload of good news delivered through their doorstep, yet what they'll notice is the speck of dust that lay at the surface of the trunk....

It's sad that there are people like these scattered all over the face of the earth.... or to be specific, in my workplace...