most of the time, i tell myself that i want to end this self-inflicted pain... that id rather be alone and unhappy than have the uncertainty of him coupled with this hell ride of emotions...
most of the time, i start building up foundations of unlike for him, of why i don't need someone like that in my life, of how i have been alright existing without him, of why the bigger threat of being broken again should be enough reason for me to stay away...
i know all of that, i am not naive of the repercussions of my stupidity, of my carelessness..
and yet, when i think i have built up enough to protect myself, enough to move away at least by an inch..
i remember the look of him- and remember the gut-wrenching feeling that i get whenever i see the mischievous glint in his eyes, the lop-sided grin that seems as if it's still undecided, whether to give me just half- or the full-wide-grinned smile... the lanky walk, the artistic mix of sexy and the back-alley kind of swagger, as if he doesn't really care what you think of him, the way of speaking that commands yet can cajole if that is what the situation calls for, those big, big hands than can cover a lot of area and can give the most tender of all touches...
i am really hating myself so much this time, my mind has a "mind" of its own... not really doing what it's supposed to do. i punch the "forget" button, and it just won't obey. I punch the "move" button and its just stays where it is, not budging, despite all the commands and the warnings....
this is going to be a steep climb....
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