armor for my heart

i just had to write this down...
this feeling of panic that is taking over me like a tsunami...

im so, so, so scared of falling over the cliff
I have always known that it's only a matter of time. but i never thought that it would be sooner..
much, much sooner..

things have been sailing quite smoothly for me for as long as i can remember. a little bit of happiness here and there. but nothing too major. nothing too earth shattering.
i had been quite successful in keeping the wall standing tall and firm all these time, until now...

it may have only been me doing all the drama this time.. possibly only me...
but still i can't help but keep my emotions unperturbed.
i haven't been this vulnerable for ... years!!!

being hurt continuously for over a decade by the same person at least taught me to stand a little farther from the edge, to wear even the tiniest bit of armor in front of my heart, to at least reserve some love and respect for myself...

but now, i'm so afraid that i maybe baring too much of myself.. exposing too much of my weak side, of my fears, my passion, my life...
i know all too well that the chances of losing are far more greater than even winning the consolation prize..
i know i shouldn't even be dreaming of joining this challenge, this bet..

but i also know that i do not have the strength in me to turn this down.
i cannot walk away from this...
not when it makes me too damn happy to be with him...