yes, ive finally made it out of the bed... im doing simple chores like picking up those loose pieces from the floor and tidying up my room every now & then... although i still feel a bit of panic because my heart won't stop thub-thumping at a very rapid pace... i chose to get up and do a much as i can little by little....
i hate being catatonic or helpless... this is probaly the root of my being a workaholic, just cant seem to stop... more like juggernaut of the X-Men, c an't stop when he starts ramming into things...
tomorrow, i will go back to work.. as if nothing earth-shaking happened to me two days ago... back to the daily grind. but of course, i have to pay my respects to my doctor. i need a "go' signal from him. i just can't disregard the signs...
if i want to do more in my life, i gotta take care of myself as well...
even cars, require a change oil, or something like that...
Saturday, November 1, 2008
workaholic
i just had a very dramatic/traumatic experience last night... and here i am, typing my life away on a report that is due on thursday am.... yes, it is still a few days away, but with the load that is regularly dumped on my shoulder one might as well tell me that it is due yesterday... i just got myself out of flying off to yet another province.. still haven't gotten over being "air"sick for flying a few days ago. i mean, i love to travel, i love the aerial view, the scene from above the clouds, but i just cen never get used to the discomfort that i get when the altitude reaches about 2000 fee and above... i turn deaf, literally, then the excruciating pain starts, and it doesnt stop long after i have unboarded the plane...
all that in consideration, i wouldn't mind going to far away places, except now, that i now im really, truly sick... my boss just allowed me to be replaced by someone who was barely a few days old in this kind of job... ow well, i guess im too sick to care
i forget to think of my health most of the time... the daily grind at work keeps me so tightly wound up that i never seem to remember how to relax.. most of the time...
i guess, climbing the corporate ladder is much harder that climbing mount everest, physically and mentally... on the first day at the job, you just want to get through the day, and you eventually have this desire to fit in, to please your boss, to excel..... the list goes on and on, the to-do list never seem to have an ending... and before you know it, you're one of those blank-faced, emontionless, bithing-personal zombies in the corporated world... you're boss never seem to run out of errands for you, and you're too stupid to stop and think if some of those errands aere still part of your duties...
and while you do your utmost to climb the ever twisting and tricky planes of the corporate ladder, you uncannily get your own set of enemies that you probably will get ahead of despite their seniority...
so, taking all that into consideration, i am not surprised why my body is somewhat giving me the white flag...(hey, stop and smell the roses... or im going to have to flag you down...) which it did!!!
all that in consideration, i wouldn't mind going to far away places, except now, that i now im really, truly sick... my boss just allowed me to be replaced by someone who was barely a few days old in this kind of job... ow well, i guess im too sick to care
i forget to think of my health most of the time... the daily grind at work keeps me so tightly wound up that i never seem to remember how to relax.. most of the time...
i guess, climbing the corporate ladder is much harder that climbing mount everest, physically and mentally... on the first day at the job, you just want to get through the day, and you eventually have this desire to fit in, to please your boss, to excel..... the list goes on and on, the to-do list never seem to have an ending... and before you know it, you're one of those blank-faced, emontionless, bithing-personal zombies in the corporated world... you're boss never seem to run out of errands for you, and you're too stupid to stop and think if some of those errands aere still part of your duties...
and while you do your utmost to climb the ever twisting and tricky planes of the corporate ladder, you uncannily get your own set of enemies that you probably will get ahead of despite their seniority...
so, taking all that into consideration, i am not surprised why my body is somewhat giving me the white flag...(hey, stop and smell the roses... or im going to have to flag you down...) which it did!!!
Friday, October 31, 2008
feeling truly sick
last night, i decided to just not go to our regular friday night cap. i was feeling a bit weird the whole day, my stomach is twisted in knots... i thought it was just the jitters that i felt before the presentation that i was scheduled to make during the afternoon... until the time that i was about to go home, i still felt sick...
then i decided to stop by the mall for an early dinner, thinking it might make me feel better... then as i was standing in line, second from the front, i felt the floor suddenly shifted, and tilted... i was swaying in front and to the back in my effort to regain my balance...
thhen, when i couldn't take it anymore, i ran from the line and sat on the first available seat that i can grab. i felt tlike i was falling down a bottomless pit... still falling down... i was so afraid to move from that seat... i knew i had to get help, but i know that no one can reach me here in this far south...
i guess this takes the spot of my most frightening moments of my life.. (second only to almost falling into the black, murky water of the batangas port) ....
i know that what happened is just a preview of my true health condition... that it wouldnt be the last time for me... i dread the next time...
then i decided to stop by the mall for an early dinner, thinking it might make me feel better... then as i was standing in line, second from the front, i felt the floor suddenly shifted, and tilted... i was swaying in front and to the back in my effort to regain my balance...
thhen, when i couldn't take it anymore, i ran from the line and sat on the first available seat that i can grab. i felt tlike i was falling down a bottomless pit... still falling down... i was so afraid to move from that seat... i knew i had to get help, but i know that no one can reach me here in this far south...
i guess this takes the spot of my most frightening moments of my life.. (second only to almost falling into the black, murky water of the batangas port) ....
i know that what happened is just a preview of my true health condition... that it wouldnt be the last time for me... i dread the next time...
Sunday, October 26, 2008
music is my therapy
i have always relied on my good 'ol dependable ipod... yes, i feel an attack of depression or panic every now and then. somedays are better than the others... but i guess, the christmas season have, time and again, made me more jittery as ever compared to the rest of the year... whenever, that chilly air would blow my way and ruffle my hair... it never fails to send a chill down my spine as well...
i love it, but at the same time, there is always that inexplicable feeling that brings me a feeling of impending doom as well... habits, like traumas are very hard to dilute, even over time...
fear that was implanted so deeply cannot be uprooted as easliy as it was done when it was being buried..
it's like erasing an indelible ink.. thant no matter how much you try to take a bath or soap it off in one whole day, the marks would still remain... and it teaches us a lesson or two about patience...
it will come off in its own time... we cannot rush it, no matter how hard we try...
in truth, we can try so many extreme ways on how to remove the ink from our skin, but like all things forced or done the unnatural way, it would hurt us deeply and badly, if we try to force it...
more than a decade has passed, maybe a decade more is needed... before one can truly be free of the nightmares of the past..
i love it, but at the same time, there is always that inexplicable feeling that brings me a feeling of impending doom as well... habits, like traumas are very hard to dilute, even over time...
fear that was implanted so deeply cannot be uprooted as easliy as it was done when it was being buried..
it's like erasing an indelible ink.. thant no matter how much you try to take a bath or soap it off in one whole day, the marks would still remain... and it teaches us a lesson or two about patience...
it will come off in its own time... we cannot rush it, no matter how hard we try...
in truth, we can try so many extreme ways on how to remove the ink from our skin, but like all things forced or done the unnatural way, it would hurt us deeply and badly, if we try to force it...
more than a decade has passed, maybe a decade more is needed... before one can truly be free of the nightmares of the past..
butterflies in my stomach
i hate this feeling...
for someone who has fallen in and out of loven over and over... i should be immune to the telltale signs of infatuation... i consider myself a middle-aged girl. not so much the physical age as a basis, but more on the mental and psychological aspects as criteria. palpitations over thinking someone used to be a thing of the past to me...
or so that's what i thought.
sheeeshhh...
the situation is exacerbated by me bieng an ADD... (read as Attention Deficit Disorder)
as if i have enough on my shoulders to get me distracted on a day-to-day basis...
what more now? can't focus (even more) on one tastk for a short period of time.
I have to break off from work every now and then... i just hope my boss wouldn't notice that i can't deliver the work needed at my usual pace...
i hate liking someone this much...
for someone who has fallen in and out of loven over and over... i should be immune to the telltale signs of infatuation... i consider myself a middle-aged girl. not so much the physical age as a basis, but more on the mental and psychological aspects as criteria. palpitations over thinking someone used to be a thing of the past to me...
or so that's what i thought.
sheeeshhh...
the situation is exacerbated by me bieng an ADD... (read as Attention Deficit Disorder)
as if i have enough on my shoulders to get me distracted on a day-to-day basis...
what more now? can't focus (even more) on one tastk for a short period of time.
I have to break off from work every now and then... i just hope my boss wouldn't notice that i can't deliver the work needed at my usual pace...
i hate liking someone this much...
Sunday, October 19, 2008
bad dream
i had quite a number of bad dreams last night. awaking every hour or so just to doze off again... and so goes another beginning of another nightmare.. maybe it's the feeling of impending doom, or the humongous heap of tasks that i have to get done or the maybe dreading something terrible to happen, specifically, failure...
all combined, one can never get a good night's rest. that was the one thing that i was waiting for for days. when i can catch up on my sleep, or rest my weary body and mind... but i did not get any of it last night. there was even a point wherein I dreamt that I was about to be raped and my husband just looked on... as if helpless to my terrible fate.
i guess that i see it as being "raped" of my rights, my joys, my successes...
there are so many fears and tremors going on in my mind and body simultaneously that these horrible dreams manifest itself in my dreams.
it was a bad night
i just tried to make the best out of the little time that i got to rest my weary bones.
i hope i can sleep better tonight.
all combined, one can never get a good night's rest. that was the one thing that i was waiting for for days. when i can catch up on my sleep, or rest my weary body and mind... but i did not get any of it last night. there was even a point wherein I dreamt that I was about to be raped and my husband just looked on... as if helpless to my terrible fate.
i guess that i see it as being "raped" of my rights, my joys, my successes...
there are so many fears and tremors going on in my mind and body simultaneously that these horrible dreams manifest itself in my dreams.
it was a bad night
i just tried to make the best out of the little time that i got to rest my weary bones.
i hope i can sleep better tonight.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
riding the roller coaster (again)
some days are definitely better than others... just when you thought that you've seen it all... a surprise comes in very unexpected packages...
i guess that's the benefit of just living your life to the fullest. you aim for a lot of good things to come into your life and yet you don't get crushed if you don't get it...
the little pockets of surprises are just bonuses that add a little spring to your stride....
it makes my heart jump whenever i realize that i was missed....
it certainly takes a lot of courage to get up and admit it to himself and to me...
but this time, no more expectations, but a little more helping of caution would do me a lot of good.
i guess that's the benefit of just living your life to the fullest. you aim for a lot of good things to come into your life and yet you don't get crushed if you don't get it...
the little pockets of surprises are just bonuses that add a little spring to your stride....
it makes my heart jump whenever i realize that i was missed....
it certainly takes a lot of courage to get up and admit it to himself and to me...
but this time, no more expectations, but a little more helping of caution would do me a lot of good.
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