never cut what can be untangled

my attitude towards a lot of things have changed a lot as i matured.. i have become less antagonistic and more rational. I always try as much as i can to see things from different angles. Because I believe that there is no one made inherently evil. Evrybody has goodness in them, one way or another, you just have to know how to ignite that spark in them.

i learned yet again last night that there are still some bases that i have to cover. still slacking in the UNDERSTANDING department, still need to learn to be more patient in dealing with overemotional 20 something girls.

what i enjoyed most last time was being with someone that thought i had lost a long time ago. i thought that the "friendship" was way over. surprisingly, it was the first time that i saw him to be really having a good time, upping up the notch, so to speak. I was so happy to see him being happy with us, genuinely happy...

our friendship was close to extinct about a month ago, barely even acknowledging each other's presence. not even a slight tip of the head. both of us nursing a different set of hurtful prejudice against each other. not even bothering to clear the air.

but good comes to those who wait. timing is everything. and it was as if a vacuum had sucked out all the negativity between the two of us. Right now,looking at our friendship from where it is right now, i can say that i wouldn't allow something like that to happen again. I ain't gonna let pride get in the way. I have too much to loose.... a treasured friend.

one step at a time by jordin sparks

"it's gonna happen when it's supposed to happen..."
i think that if there's ultimately one thing in this world that i have been taught so much of, that is learning to wait....
nothing good can ever come from something that was forced or prematurely acquired... it doesn't matter if were talking about your favorite dish, your newest masterpiece or your partner's feelings... everything must be made with care and all in good time...
no reason is great enough to rush something as important as life..
sometimes, i forget.. i commit the unforgivable deed of forcing what i want... and in the end, I am the one shaking my head in dismay, either from embarassment, guilt or more often than not, hurt..
we are the ones who get hurt the most when we force ourselves on things that are not supposed to be ours at that particular point in time.. we get hurt by disappointment, usually....
if you think waiting sucks, wait till you fall flat on your face with embarassment when your claiming something you can't have but what you thought was yours all along.
waiting should also walk hand in hand with a good attitude...
wait-ers who tap their foot on the floor and watch the time of the clock tick by, get more frustrated by the minute..
there are still so many things that can keep you happy while your waiting. it is not as if your life is hinged on that particular event...
i see a lot of my friends, hoping with weary eyes, just waiting for one event that they think can make them happy...
but no matter how much i talk about patience, they will not learn how to wait until they have been taught by LIFE itself... i just wish there were more things that i can do to lessen their sadness...

as i turn 30....

i had a great 30th bithday...

it was something that i had been dreading for the longest time... like a little child afraid ofwhat is lurking underneath her bed at night... i got one of the biggest surprises of my life.
a few hours even before my birthday officially came, i received so many nice and wonderful greetings from my family and not-so-close friends.
it gave me a warm feeling to be remembered by these people, even though i think i made such a small contribution in enriching their lives.
i felt teary eyed and felt some minor constirctrions on my chest area.
i was prepared to do tons of work for the day ahead that was my birthday, and work it was...

all day long, my work got several interruptions from well wishers that really made my heart swell. at the end of the day, i had a hard time finding a ride home.. but it didn't matter, i felt happy...
it didn't matter that inconvenience walked me home..

i was overflowing with gratitude and joy.. i felt so at peace for my place in tis world.. i was probably dreading the worst that's why i was able to put evrything, every little thing, in perspective..

i'm still far off from reaching my desired destination in the corporate ladder.. but i was happy, happy to be at least in the running, happy that i still have the energy to compete, to perfect my craft, to prove my worth as a professional and as a person...

i may have displeased a handful of people in my workplace, but their insignificance is just not enough to throw me off balance..

i felt so blessed by being the recepient of such overflowing love that was given my way by friends and family....

my family, my happy imperfect family, who can be easily misunderstood by outsiders. i can nver imagine going through my tumultous thirty years of existence without them... the epitome of unconditional love.. i seldom air my angst and frustration to them fearful of adding to their burden and concerns, but their existence was enough to help unbuckle my knees during the long haul... their hands would surprisingly pull me out of the murky waters from where i always managed to get myself into...

and of course, how can i not mention my friends, those crazy people who pose as mature individuals, who collectively contradict each other... they have been the source of so many toasts and festering... strength in numbers... no man or woman shall be alone as long as they have friends...

as i turn thirty, i shall forever have this vivid memory etched in my heart... that this significant birthday made me realize the so many good things that i have and that i may still have...

the future hold so much promise for me...
i never thought that being thirty would be this good!!!

dealing with boys and life

i would like to think of myself as someone more on the median when it comes to dealing with men err... i mean boys...
i have two friends who are both on extreme poles of being liberated and being very stiff... but they do have one thing in common...getting hurt. Oh well, I guess we all are.
We just have our own different ways of dealing with pain and frustration..
ways of trying to protect our SELF-ESTEEM & its twin sister, SELF-RESPECT
we may come out too strong or posilbly non-chalant about the way we deal about life, but ultimately, we just want to have out own strategy on how to attack life head-on and possibly get that cherry on top of the cake...

disappointments

i was scheduled to meet up with my "special" friend today along with my two girlfriends... but quite late last night, he suddenly begged off from our arrangement explaining that he has sore throat and would not be able to make it. I really didnt want to make it a big a deal. Truth or no truth, the fact still remains that he CHICKENED OUT... I thought that we were way over this passo doble dance routine... Of running away .. not allowing to get too close...
it was frustrating and quite a let down for me. a really unhappy way to end my very tiring week..

venturing into unchartered teritory

last sunday, i greeted someone through the messenger service.. what started as an innocent birthday greeting ended up in a one-of-a-kind heart-to-heart conversation.. it's like going into that part of the house that you never even thought had a door...

it just wasnt something i have ever thought possible. sometimes, you meet someone, they become your friends and you eventually drift apart ,for some reason you decided to stop exerting sso much effort just to keep your friendship.

after two years, one of you surprisingly opens up, and a dam of emotions just pours out. just a little less pride was all we needed... we could have saved ourselves a ton of misery and disappointment...

it just tells me, that everyhthing happens when they're supposed to.... you just can't make the world conform to your timelines.. it just doesn't work that way...

when all was said and done.. apologies and promises put into place... what do you have next??

better individuals.
a friendship that has a better chance to blossom.
healed spirit
regained confidence in people
gratitude from the heart.......

one step at a time (literally!)

yes, ive finally made it out of the bed... im doing simple chores like picking up those loose pieces from the floor and tidying up my room every now & then... although i still feel a bit of panic because my heart won't stop thub-thumping at a very rapid pace... i chose to get up and do a much as i can little by little....

i hate being catatonic or helpless... this is probaly the root of my being a workaholic, just cant seem to stop... more like juggernaut of the X-Men, c an't stop when he starts ramming into things...

tomorrow, i will go back to work.. as if nothing earth-shaking happened to me two days ago... back to the daily grind. but of course, i have to pay my respects to my doctor. i need a "go' signal from him. i just can't disregard the signs...

if i want to do more in my life, i gotta take care of myself as well...
even cars, require a change oil, or something like that...

workaholic

i just had a very dramatic/traumatic experience last night... and here i am, typing my life away on a report that is due on thursday am.... yes, it is still a few days away, but with the load that is regularly dumped on my shoulder one might as well tell me that it is due yesterday... i just got myself out of flying off to yet another province.. still haven't gotten over being "air"sick for flying a few days ago. i mean, i love to travel, i love the aerial view, the scene from above the clouds, but i just cen never get used to the discomfort that i get when the altitude reaches about 2000 fee and above... i turn deaf, literally, then the excruciating pain starts, and it doesnt stop long after i have unboarded the plane...
all that in consideration, i wouldn't mind going to far away places, except now, that i now im really, truly sick... my boss just allowed me to be replaced by someone who was barely a few days old in this kind of job... ow well, i guess im too sick to care
i forget to think of my health most of the time... the daily grind at work keeps me so tightly wound up that i never seem to remember how to relax.. most of the time...
i guess, climbing the corporate ladder is much harder that climbing mount everest, physically and mentally... on the first day at the job, you just want to get through the day, and you eventually have this desire to fit in, to please your boss, to excel..... the list goes on and on, the to-do list never seem to have an ending... and before you know it, you're one of those blank-faced, emontionless, bithing-personal zombies in the corporated world... you're boss never seem to run out of errands for you, and you're too stupid to stop and think if some of those errands aere still part of your duties...
and while you do your utmost to climb the ever twisting and tricky planes of the corporate ladder, you uncannily get your own set of enemies that you probably will get ahead of despite their seniority...
so, taking all that into consideration, i am not surprised why my body is somewhat giving me the white flag...(hey, stop and smell the roses... or im going to have to flag you down...) which it did!!!

feeling truly sick

last night, i decided to just not go to our regular friday night cap. i was feeling a bit weird the whole day, my stomach is twisted in knots... i thought it was just the jitters that i felt before the presentation that i was scheduled to make during the afternoon... until the time that i was about to go home, i still felt sick...
then i decided to stop by the mall for an early dinner, thinking it might make me feel better... then as i was standing in line, second from the front, i felt the floor suddenly shifted, and tilted... i was swaying in front and to the back in my effort to regain my balance...
thhen, when i couldn't take it anymore, i ran from the line and sat on the first available seat that i can grab. i felt tlike i was falling down a bottomless pit... still falling down... i was so afraid to move from that seat... i knew i had to get help, but i know that no one can reach me here in this far south...
i guess this takes the spot of my most frightening moments of my life.. (second only to almost falling into the black, murky water of the batangas port) ....

i know that what happened is just a preview of my true health condition... that it wouldnt be the last time for me... i dread the next time...

music is my therapy

i have always relied on my good 'ol dependable ipod... yes, i feel an attack of depression or panic every now and then. somedays are better than the others... but i guess, the christmas season have, time and again, made me more jittery as ever compared to the rest of the year... whenever, that chilly air would blow my way and ruffle my hair... it never fails to send a chill down my spine as well...
i love it, but at the same time, there is always that inexplicable feeling that brings me a feeling of impending doom as well... habits, like traumas are very hard to dilute, even over time...
fear that was implanted so deeply cannot be uprooted as easliy as it was done when it was being buried..
it's like erasing an indelible ink.. thant no matter how much you try to take a bath or soap it off in one whole day, the marks would still remain... and it teaches us a lesson or two about patience...
it will come off in its own time... we cannot rush it, no matter how hard we try...
in truth, we can try so many extreme ways on how to remove the ink from our skin, but like all things forced or done the unnatural way, it would hurt us deeply and badly, if we try to force it...

more than a decade has passed, maybe a decade more is needed... before one can truly be free of the nightmares of the past..

butterflies in my stomach

i hate this feeling...
for someone who has fallen in and out of loven over and over... i should be immune to the telltale signs of infatuation... i consider myself a middle-aged girl. not so much the physical age as a basis, but more on the mental and psychological aspects as criteria. palpitations over thinking someone used to be a thing of the past to me...
or so that's what i thought.
sheeeshhh...
the situation is exacerbated by me bieng an ADD... (read as Attention Deficit Disorder)
as if i have enough on my shoulders to get me distracted on a day-to-day basis...
what more now? can't focus (even more) on one tastk for a short period of time.
I have to break off from work every now and then... i just hope my boss wouldn't notice that i can't deliver the work needed at my usual pace...
i hate liking someone this much...

bad dream

i had quite a number of bad dreams last night. awaking every hour or so just to doze off again... and so goes another beginning of another nightmare.. maybe it's the feeling of impending doom, or the humongous heap of tasks that i have to get done or the maybe dreading something terrible to happen, specifically, failure...
all combined, one can never get a good night's rest. that was the one thing that i was waiting for for days. when i can catch up on my sleep, or rest my weary body and mind... but i did not get any of it last night. there was even a point wherein I dreamt that I was about to be raped and my husband just looked on... as if helpless to my terrible fate.
i guess that i see it as being "raped" of my rights, my joys, my successes...
there are so many fears and tremors going on in my mind and body simultaneously that these horrible dreams manifest itself in my dreams.
it was a bad night
i just tried to make the best out of the little time that i got to rest my weary bones.
i hope i can sleep better tonight.

riding the roller coaster (again)

some days are definitely better than others... just when you thought that you've seen it all... a surprise comes in very unexpected packages...
i guess that's the benefit of just living your life to the fullest. you aim for a lot of good things to come into your life and yet you don't get crushed if you don't get it...
the little pockets of surprises are just bonuses that add a little spring to your stride....
it makes my heart jump whenever i realize that i was missed....
it certainly takes a lot of courage to get up and admit it to himself and to me...

but this time, no more expectations, but a little more helping of caution would do me a lot of good.

i met someone new...

in the line of work that i have, it's not uncommon that i get to meet a lot of new faces in a day... And sometimes, just when you thought that you're through with the mating game... life serves you an unexpected pitch. i met this person a few weeks ago... never made that much of an impact on my life after that first meeting. But as fate would have it, he crept slowly under my skin. And before I knew it, im vulnerable once again...i hate being in this state of mind... everything just hangs on the tip of the scale. i thought that i'd outgrown this, but i was all too wrong....
i hate being excited about the littlelest things, being sad about something so meaningless, waiting for something that usually will not get a minute of my attention...

Office colleauges suck....

i hate to admit it... but that's the sad truth... most of the time, people act out as if on cue, as if there's a certain script that they have to say, or a certain role that they have to portray... everyone should be able to master the same beat, otherwise, he'd be a total outcast....
people from the office would then start to pick out his peculiarities and faults...
i hate the fact that wherever you turn, you'd have an in-your-face encounter of bitchin' and dissin' of everyone from the top to the bottom of the corporate "sh!t"... oops, i meant ladder...
people you see hovering by the water fountain a few minutes ago would be bashing at each other once they part ways and each join a separate group...
at this point, i think you would not be surprised to find out that i have more than once suffered the scrutiny, the back-biting and the malicious rumors...
i can't blame them... in fact, i probably have committed the same crime myself....

but, despite all that ugliness, i still find at least one solid thing that i love about my office...
i found genuine friends....
people who i know what im worth and what im not, where i can bare my ugliest deed and not be afraid of being judged or misjudged, where i can bitch and rant and fester and before i know it.... they're already bitchin' the same people with me...

i would like to think that we'd still have this special connection.. this special kind of friendship even when the time comes that we'd have to part ways... we'd have totally different offices.... we'd diss about totaly different people....