a piece of my mind for someone who had a piece of my heart...

I want you to read carefully. And please keep this in the forefront of your mind. All the time.

1. WHAT HAPPENED TO US IS OVER A LONG TIME AGO. Leave it in the past. To be completely honest about it, most of my memories of us are already a blur. For your enjoyment, I'll admit, I cried a lot for the first three days... But that was it. For the succeeding days and weeks, i snapped out of it, as if on cue. Now, what happened to us seemed like it never happened at all. Like a hazy dream in a different dimension. No, i dont reminisce if that's what you're thinking. I am busy making my own happy memories now. And dont think that I'm forcing it. Cold as it may sound, but that's really how it has been for quite a while now. I HAVE MOVED ON. Whether you want to acknowledge it or not.

2. I AM NOT ON A DATING FRENZY. No, i am not crazed to find a replacement of you. Bec frankly, i really dont want that. Not someone like you, anyway. And if you know me well enough like how you claim, you know that i dont go out with other guys just for the heck of it. I will never do anything that might jeopardize my self-worth and reputation. I hate wasting time. So whoever it is that I'm seeing right now definitely means a lot to me.

3. DO NOT PITY ME. I walked into our relationship with both eyes open. I know I was the third party, the dispensable part of the equation. That's a given. The integrity of your words may have been in question for one or more instance back then, but i never stopped believing in you and in us when we were together. The moment i learned about the dynamics of everything that needed to be considered, I made a decision for myself. No,  our ending was not your call. But if you wanna delude yourself, go ahead. I acknowledge the litter that I was walking away from, both eyes open. Pity should be directed to the person who doesn't even know how stinky the pit that they have been in for the longest time. Woe to them. Or her, in this case. But not to me. 

I may have bought your promises of true love and commitment then. But that doesn't make me pitiful. It just means that i naturally believe in the goodness and integrity of people. Sometimes, it's just a case of encountering a bad apple every now and then. But not all hope is lost. Some people are still worth knowing. And trusting.

4. I AM HAPPY. And it would do you well if start believing it yourself because that is the plain truth. I am grateful for my place in the world right now. More and more I see the goodness of what brought me here, to all the events that led to this. The One above really is magnanimous. I used to think that good people get trampled upon by the ungood, but I guess He was in control the entire time... I wouldn't have this much appreciation to all the things that has been happening to me had I skipped all the lessons that I needed to learn from the year that was...

5. You may stop the occasional messaging. Starting NOW. It's not because it irritates me. Because it doesn't. Not anymore. It doesn't make my heart skip a beat. Not anymore. And neither does it put a smile on my lips. Not anymore. Now, I read it with eyes of indifference... It's just a number... A message from someone that I may have encountered in the past... not even friends. Not bec I'm hurting or still pinning for you. But just bec I dont want people like you to have a part in my life, however big or small.

6. STOP "thinking of my safety" every time we suffer from storms or what nots. Don't take out your super hero complex on me. Just find another damsel in distress, I'm sure you'll find one.. Dont worry about me and my kids. We are used to dealing with life on our own. We've seen worse storms in our lives, literally and otherwise. We have each other. We are gonna be more than okay.

7. And lastly, whatever you decide to do with your life is your prerogative. Whether we're both occupying the same space, or room or country at any given time, it wouldn't matter. Bec NOTHING will ever happen between the two of us. And even if your convoluted mind would like to think that should you miraculously grow some balls in this lifetime to leave that poor excuse of a relationship and pursue me again, that we can pick up from where we left off, please snap out of it. I will never take you back. Not now. Not in the future. Not ever. No anger or shame or guilt. It's just cause you dont exist for me anymore. 

As much as I have been trying to keep to myself this whole time, I feel that it is also my duty to set some things straight. 

This is not a mud slinging contest. I am not out for blood. Or revenge. Or vindication. Or to look for more allies. I also dont think I or "us" deserve any more airtime between your convo with our common friend.  Let's just please both go back to our original corners in the world and live it the best possible way that we can. 

Can you possibly cut off your right arm? an ancient love letter dated01.11.14

I guess this is it. I've been dreading this

day for months. Bec in the back of my mind, i kinda knew that you'd rather hurt me than her. I blame nobody. 

Thank you for being with me last year. I think you were handpicked for me. And He couldn't have chosen a better person to get me out of that hole. But then, being with you in this situation is like coming out of one and going in another. 

I love you. Please dont ever doubt that. I fought for you, for us. Last nov, i couldn't even imagine how i'd get through the holidays. That was one of lowest points in my life. I got scarred with what I had to  endure. And I did that for us. But i just cant go through that again. Sana maintindihan mo. 

Saying goodbye to you is so hard. It still brings me physical pain. If it were up to me, I would still wait for you to fix your life until next month. But you don't want that. So i have no choice but to accept our fate. 

I hope i see the day where i wont have to cry myself to sleep. And stop becoming catatonic. And start picking up my life again. 

I shouldn't have loved you this much in the first place bec you belong to someone else. But no regrets. 

I never called anybody Mahal, until you...

Take care of yourself. And her. 

I love you  

of trinkets and garbage....

I started this blog six years ago out of the need to have an avenue for venting my everyday musings... without having to bother my friends or family or the people around me with these matters...

And right now, in the middle of a highly mathematical meeting, - when I should have been listening, analyzing and throwing out my two cents, I tuned out- I chanced upon one of the oldest entries that i did. I can't seem to remember what I was ranting about at that time, the person who I was referring to or any other details about the entry... I feel like I'm reading about a young adult, seemingly knowing so much about the world, yet still very much like a little kid...

Some of the phrases gave me a time warp ride.... In a blink of an eye, it took me back to the exact spot,  the wind that blew on my hair and my face 6 years ago went by my way again... Made me remember on what it felt like to be young and vulnerable and... a lot of things I thought were buried in the past. but unlike now, I felt stoic... like an untouched spectator merely looking through a glass window as the scenes unfold... not even a tick of hurt... Numb. 

this is testament that TIME really can be your bestest best friend... the universal remedy to all the hurts and pains in the world. back then, I never thought that arriving in this state of mind is possible... Coming from a place that took me on the brink of craziness. Prolly it was just too much for a kid to handle. 

Having this kind of realization, I know that another 6 years down the line, when I read this entry, I'd still be shaking my head in disbelief as to how I never cease to be all-knowing.... :) Always thinking that I have accumulated enough knowledge already...

But in reality, we never really stop learning... never stop realizing... never stop finding new meaning in old things...
Although the good thing about taking a glance in the past from time to time, is that you get to appreciate everything that you have picked up along the way.... all the junk... and all the treasures... and the seemingly random stuff...
It makes up for a pretty colorful package :)

Resist the temptation to press the hyper speed button....

it's almost midnight.
and I should be finishing my presentation for tomorrow.... yet i'm not.
after spending too much time on the phone with the people i love the most, i am back to this silent corner.
thinking.speculating. being uptight over and over again (for the past hour or so...)

this limbo is killing me. 
slowly dampening the excitement that i have for life...

maybe. i should really just retreat
maybe I'm not built for this kind of sh*t
too much of a good girl. too boring.

im a few steps from retreating. to the safe zone.
where i can slowly find my way to get back up on my feet again.
because in reality, im just forcing myself to be in fighting form.

I guess i just have to admit that everything that can happen anytime soon is premature...

it is done....

finally, the truth right between my eyes...
in no way will i be able to miss it... or act as if i missed it...
all the lies finally coming together to make the story whole.
in this case the end, DID justify the means...


i couldnt wrap my head around the truth
how someone would heartlessly manipulate another's person's feelings. in this case, mine.
how someone could push all the right buttons, say the right words, project the right emotions to get the best of me.
i guess it's a toss up between pride, pompousness or just pure vanity.
how someone could totally have no regard to other people's feelings.

the last weekend before christmas ...

The past few weeks after that fateful Friday night had nothing been a blur for me...
Everything happened so fast, yet strangely, so slow...


I have been running around trying my best to function normally, at the least most of the time, 
I couldn't find the energy to get out of bed every morning. 
The typical cant-sleep-at-night that follows a break-up never happened. I'd usually just have enough time to wash-up and read the tweets in bed, and before I know it.... zzzzzz. it's LA-LA land for me....


Sometimes, my dreams are haunted, like how I used to live my life when we were together.
The only difference is that its more hazy this time around.


I used to live in fear- as in the OA kind of fear- every or every other moment within the day.
Fear of knowing that i had just been used all along... fear of feeling that I had been played once again...
I can go on all day with fear being the topic....
I used to eat fear for breakfast... :(
and believe me, IT being the heaviest meal of the day, ideally, is not at all a good idea....


I still get episodes of bawling and emo-ing inside the car, and most recently, while looking out through the airplane window....
I still get the aching, constricting feeling whenever I hear a certain song that we used to dance or sing along to, I see a particular food that we used to cook or pig out on, I chance upon a channel or show that we used to watch or just set as a background while cleaning the house....


I have a trunkload of memories.....
A lot of good, but in retrospect, most of them really bad- traumatic even....


I shared a life with him... or so i thought.
I was never hesitant in giving whatever I had in my possession.... the most valuable among all them was time.


Sometimes, I think that this ending would never have happened had i been more careful with my words....
But then again, looking back..... I knew in my heart that this was bound to happen....
US had really never been enough for you...


Living with him thinking that Id go as far as I can endure the pain was a stupid way of living....
I had been fully unfair to myself because I  never gave myself the chance to choose whether that was good enough for me or not...


the last weekend before christmas.... im sitting here on my favorite spot, watching as people scramble through the rush....


but i am calm.... am not in a hurry....


there are still so many things and thoughts that i have to run through my head....
i don't want to hurry anymore....


life gave me a chunkful to think about this time....
i need time and like what he said.... 
SPACE to allow the dust to settle down....

in limbo

i randomly surfed the net trying to numb my brain from the painful wave of memories engulfing me at the moment... then i saw my previous post. 4 months= same stupid dilemma


what could be worse than knowing you are still rooted at the same darn spot after all the awakenings and unmistakable revelations that you've seen?


what could be worse than knowing that the brilliant mind that God gave you still remain unused when it comes to your personal happiness (and misery)?


am still here.... in a trance.... after God knows how many cycles I've been into. still nursing that glimmer of hope in my heart that there could be a possible happily-ever-after in this story...


still caught up in the smoke of illusion... in the state of denial...


my heart constricts, my soul cries deeply..
i still ache, i still hurt, i still hope....