wary about being happy

i have always believed in the principle that "everything will be given to you, handed to you, even, when you are ready for it". to some extent i feel that you also have to be able to be prepared for it before it will be granted to you.

and now that i know what's imminent, im starting to question my beliefs. not really sure if im quite ready or deserving of this... happiness to be exact.

im been cruising through life with the tank just having enough fuel to run. im not complaining. had been perfectly fine with that. had been used to that for so long. now, im just getting pretty, pretty scared of having a shot at bliss...

i maybe too presumptuous about this but then again, being the eternally pathetic optimistic person that i am, i feel that things can only get better. truly glad with how things have been going my way.

anyway, if things make a sudden change in direction and makes a sour turn at disappointmentville, i know ill be able to cope. ive had years of training dealing with that.

butterflies in my stomach v.2

something happened...

something i didn't see coming... an idea i do not even allow to my thoughts to toy with even in my weakest moments..

it's not that i do not like it. just that i dont know if i can go through this, if i am even born with the ability to see this through....

too many virtuous and moral teachings pumped into my little useless head...

cant figure out if the emotion that im feeling is excitement or dread. this is definetely a step up from the usual thing that i have been doing..

im not complaining. just dont know if this is something that im prepared to deal with right now...

weakening

how can one tell if your down on the last bend in the road???

i know myself all too well. i have the determination of a horse. knows only one goal and one goal alone. i can run only on one side of the track should i chose to have that decision. yes, there is no stopping me once i have decided on one thing...

but really, at this point in my life. weariness is slowly getting the best of me.

being verbally abused and taken for granted is taking its toll on me. sometimes, even not being given the right to cry and feel bad is enough to break even the toughest of all. i get tired too. i fumble also. and yes, i also get hurt....

i get weak all too often in the past months. trying my utmost to cling on to something....

a spark of hope. a reassuring smile. a pat on the back. a thumbs up sign. a happy thought....

anything.

anything would help at this point in time.

if someone took my hands and decided to drag me elsewhere, i probably would be too weak to struggle or fight it.

falling all over again...

"i wanna know, who ever told you i was letting go???"

yep. found out that he still has it. still can make me feel like doing the cartwheel with just the slightest gesture. still can make me stop everything within the drop of a hat. still can make me feel like mush. sucks, though, being me and all that.

despite having that tough girl persona, im no good at pretending to "joe".
the one and only person who doesnt even ask, yet im already halfway on spilling the facts of my life. if i were in a tv series, i'd be disgusted at my character. such a wimp whenever it coomes to joe.
always, bending myself backwards just to please him.
and the saddest part of it, anybody who can see me with him, instantly knows that im disgustingly head over heels in love with him. aw, shucks... i said the L word. this is so not good at all....
without even the promise of a quarter of a percent chance of having my emotions reciprocated, stil, i plunge again and again into that black hole.
what a schmuck...

girls are stupid

this is one those days where i can brazenly say that i can live alone.
and i mean that in the "relationship" aspect. i mean, all men are so similar. it's like they had a secret middle school that they went to sometime during their teenage years wherein they were taught how they should think of their supposed "superiority", how to disregard girls' feelings, how to easily detach one's feelings even from the closest companions... how to break a heart in cold blood... oh, and i almost forgot... how to lie through their teeth...

these things are the core competencies that the male species should have mastered by the time they reach puberty..

every woman knows all of these facts... and that's the point... they are already considered FACTS... because it has been proven over and over through the years.. had already passed the test of time...

and yet, we still long for that one male person who we hope would be different from the rest of their flock.. waiting for someone who we think was especially made for us, to make us happy, to make us "whole", to give "meaning" to our life...

the probability is almost nil, yet every girl continues their quest, their vigil, their mission...

everyone, and that means, including me....

so bad it hurts

yup. saw him today.. several times but all too brief for me. not even lasting for more than a few minutes. too soon for someone who is missing someone so badly.
i shyly handed him some of the stuff that i bought for him from my trips. said thank you.
but that was it.
i wanted more that
not too much. not asking for so much.
it's just that i hope there might be some way we can be together longer.
more than mere acquaintances.. friends.
that word comes with some thorns attached to it.
but im willing to have that...

i'm really, really missing the good 'ol times.
shouldn't have had it in the first place...

withdrawal syndromes

can't believe that it was more than a month since my last entry... been too busy being busy.. running all over the place... been trying to be busy enough so i won't have the time to overanalyze my life. won't have the time to feel melancholy. won't have the time to miss anyone.. or rather... someone..

well, i guess i have to get used to this. as i've told myself over and over about a few years ago... "nobody dies from loneliness or from a broken heart". sure, some people would like to think that that's possible. but, physiologically, it really is not... only the drama queens and kings would think that way. but i refuse to live like that anymore.

sure, its lonely. but this is just right. right doesn't always make you happy. sometimes, i wish that my parents could have raised me in a different way. always thinking of what is righteous..

can't i just be bad? even for just one time. for just once in my life. forget about being the prudent person that i was raised to be....

this is useless...

i wonder if there's someone out there having the same sorry situation like me...