music is my therapy

i have always relied on my good 'ol dependable ipod... yes, i feel an attack of depression or panic every now and then. somedays are better than the others... but i guess, the christmas season have, time and again, made me more jittery as ever compared to the rest of the year... whenever, that chilly air would blow my way and ruffle my hair... it never fails to send a chill down my spine as well...
i love it, but at the same time, there is always that inexplicable feeling that brings me a feeling of impending doom as well... habits, like traumas are very hard to dilute, even over time...
fear that was implanted so deeply cannot be uprooted as easliy as it was done when it was being buried..
it's like erasing an indelible ink.. thant no matter how much you try to take a bath or soap it off in one whole day, the marks would still remain... and it teaches us a lesson or two about patience...
it will come off in its own time... we cannot rush it, no matter how hard we try...
in truth, we can try so many extreme ways on how to remove the ink from our skin, but like all things forced or done the unnatural way, it would hurt us deeply and badly, if we try to force it...

more than a decade has passed, maybe a decade more is needed... before one can truly be free of the nightmares of the past..

butterflies in my stomach

i hate this feeling...
for someone who has fallen in and out of loven over and over... i should be immune to the telltale signs of infatuation... i consider myself a middle-aged girl. not so much the physical age as a basis, but more on the mental and psychological aspects as criteria. palpitations over thinking someone used to be a thing of the past to me...
or so that's what i thought.
sheeeshhh...
the situation is exacerbated by me bieng an ADD... (read as Attention Deficit Disorder)
as if i have enough on my shoulders to get me distracted on a day-to-day basis...
what more now? can't focus (even more) on one tastk for a short period of time.
I have to break off from work every now and then... i just hope my boss wouldn't notice that i can't deliver the work needed at my usual pace...
i hate liking someone this much...

bad dream

i had quite a number of bad dreams last night. awaking every hour or so just to doze off again... and so goes another beginning of another nightmare.. maybe it's the feeling of impending doom, or the humongous heap of tasks that i have to get done or the maybe dreading something terrible to happen, specifically, failure...
all combined, one can never get a good night's rest. that was the one thing that i was waiting for for days. when i can catch up on my sleep, or rest my weary body and mind... but i did not get any of it last night. there was even a point wherein I dreamt that I was about to be raped and my husband just looked on... as if helpless to my terrible fate.
i guess that i see it as being "raped" of my rights, my joys, my successes...
there are so many fears and tremors going on in my mind and body simultaneously that these horrible dreams manifest itself in my dreams.
it was a bad night
i just tried to make the best out of the little time that i got to rest my weary bones.
i hope i can sleep better tonight.

riding the roller coaster (again)

some days are definitely better than others... just when you thought that you've seen it all... a surprise comes in very unexpected packages...
i guess that's the benefit of just living your life to the fullest. you aim for a lot of good things to come into your life and yet you don't get crushed if you don't get it...
the little pockets of surprises are just bonuses that add a little spring to your stride....
it makes my heart jump whenever i realize that i was missed....
it certainly takes a lot of courage to get up and admit it to himself and to me...

but this time, no more expectations, but a little more helping of caution would do me a lot of good.

i met someone new...

in the line of work that i have, it's not uncommon that i get to meet a lot of new faces in a day... And sometimes, just when you thought that you're through with the mating game... life serves you an unexpected pitch. i met this person a few weeks ago... never made that much of an impact on my life after that first meeting. But as fate would have it, he crept slowly under my skin. And before I knew it, im vulnerable once again...i hate being in this state of mind... everything just hangs on the tip of the scale. i thought that i'd outgrown this, but i was all too wrong....
i hate being excited about the littlelest things, being sad about something so meaningless, waiting for something that usually will not get a minute of my attention...

Office colleauges suck....

i hate to admit it... but that's the sad truth... most of the time, people act out as if on cue, as if there's a certain script that they have to say, or a certain role that they have to portray... everyone should be able to master the same beat, otherwise, he'd be a total outcast....
people from the office would then start to pick out his peculiarities and faults...
i hate the fact that wherever you turn, you'd have an in-your-face encounter of bitchin' and dissin' of everyone from the top to the bottom of the corporate "sh!t"... oops, i meant ladder...
people you see hovering by the water fountain a few minutes ago would be bashing at each other once they part ways and each join a separate group...
at this point, i think you would not be surprised to find out that i have more than once suffered the scrutiny, the back-biting and the malicious rumors...
i can't blame them... in fact, i probably have committed the same crime myself....

but, despite all that ugliness, i still find at least one solid thing that i love about my office...
i found genuine friends....
people who i know what im worth and what im not, where i can bare my ugliest deed and not be afraid of being judged or misjudged, where i can bitch and rant and fester and before i know it.... they're already bitchin' the same people with me...

i would like to think that we'd still have this special connection.. this special kind of friendship even when the time comes that we'd have to part ways... we'd have totally different offices.... we'd diss about totaly different people....

taking it real slow...

once again, i learned that something genuine and natural can never be diluted by neither time nor distance... it's like having that special connection with someone where you can pick up where you left off... as if, the time that have elaspsed since you last conversed was just a few minutes ago whereas in reality, weeks have passed wherein the closest thing that can be considered a conversation was a glance or a slight tip of the head to acknowledge one another's presence...
in this time and age where careers and personal interests pull a person in several fidderent directions all at the same time, it is comforting to know that i have someone who i can sit down with and watch as our lives unravel before our very eyes... even just for a little while....sitting by the sidelines and watching how other people crazily do their damndest to keep juggling their balls up in the air...
no frills, just talk... or sometimes, silence is enough... words sometimes have a way of distorting the real message that we want to convey to another person... words are just too complicated for human beings to use when they want to express something important.... the best thing to do is to listen and to observe... the best form of communication.
our mouths lie too damn much...
one just has to be more keen... watch the subtleties... it's all there for you to see... the gestures that are manifested long before they have time to check themselves in midway...
i like where i am right now... and i am so thankful that i did not pace myself so fast to get here... because i know that i could've missed out on a lot... im thankful for the slight ambiguity of my place in this world... for the lack of a definitive label on every little entity that i involve myself into...
everything's worth, especially the value of friendship, can only be tested through time.... and im certain... there are no shortcuts....