knowing

you know you're in love when you wake up way before your alarm goes off

when you can't wait to jump out of bed, take a shower and stand for an eternity in front of your closet

deciding

whether to go classic corporate, sweet conservative or girl next door white shirt ripped jeans kinda girl

half of the time you're anticipating how his eyes will light up the moment he sees your look

and how hard he'll try to come up with a wordy compliment without sounding like an over eager adolescent.

(he has to keep the cool guy persona, of course.)

you know you're in love when your makeup is him

the blush is courtesy of thoughts of him and you running through your head,
the first time you locked your gazes with each other,
the first time you hesitantly reached out to touch him,
the first time you said yes without the use of words...
the first few moments of sweet surrender...
yup, those lines of thought can definitely make you blush down to your toes

your eye makeup is perfect, putting that flattering crease at the corners of your eyes whenever you smile, which is quite often these days

your strobing technique to make that skin on your face glow on all the right places?
it is a reflection of his beam  of light on your face,
he is the sunrise and the sunset rolled into one, anyway
your lipstick is that exact shade of crimson as a result of constant biting of the lips to keep yourself from smiling too damn much 

your hair is perfectly arranged in disarray
combed expertly by his fingers, in a fashion so sexy yet so exclusive only to you

and your cologne... pheromones... concentrated. customized.
just. for. HIM.

you know you're in love when you can't wait for everyone important in your life to meet him

and to hear them loving the same things you actually fell for.

and when he had to go back home,

you know you're in love when geographical lines blur in insignifance

that 12000 miles is just a number 

and LDR is a perfectly functional arrangement

when time zones are but a matter of perspective, you get the sun, he gets the moon,

tomorrow you're gonna do a swap, you're both under the same sky, anyway

and when you start believing that weeks and months have wings.

and you convince yourself that yes, they will fly by

you know you're in love when everytime you hear the word Seat Sale,

you imagine it is God's voice giving you His blessing to pack your bags and go see him

you know you're in love when airplane is a tool of getting nearer to him

and oceans are just bodies of water

viber, whatapp, imessage is a gift of the heavens

you know you're in love when you'd rather go home early than go out on a seemingly harmless dinner with a "friend" because you'd rather eat alone than have the risk of running into someone who might mistake you for being unfaithful

you know you're in love when you hate the people who can see him on a daily basis,
even those people who accidentally brushes past him on his way to work, the subway, the gym,
the newspaper stand, or the guy who serves him his morning coffee in his favorite starbucks.
you hate those faceless, nameless people
but you would trade places with in a heartbeat,
just to be in their shoes,
just to have the chance to be at arm's length with him again.

you know you're in love when you leap to his defense the moment your friends start questioning
his motives,
his character,
his sense of humor,
his unbelievably perfect physique,
his opinions,
your seemingly new opinions,
your compatibility with each other,
your loyalty to him

you stop thinking of him as a person, but as a part of you.

and somehow, you develop the need to protect him

you know you're love when that brilliant brain of yours stops working and becomes alien to logic

and you start becoming best friends with the tooth fairy, peter pan, santa claus, the genie in the bottle.....

and you start hoping again, praying that this time,

this round belongs to you

of course, you have no way of knowing if this is your happily every after

but one thing's for sure....

you know you're in love when you leave your cynical self in the past..

you know you're in love when once again, you start believing...
in forever...

deadly

you know that lull...
that slightest throb in the hollows of your heart? not really that much of a sting to make it a legit ache.
sometimes, it's there... tugging at you. making your insides feel a little bit heavier than usual
like gum sticking on your shoe, making your steps seem like that of a slow motion scene in a movie.

sometimes, you can't even seem to remember which exact part of your heart you felt it.
and you wonder...
if you ever just made it up in the first place.
like maybe it's a product of being overly dramatic 

you stare across the second floor of a busy coffeeshop, yet you feel so alone
not that you want to be with anyone in particular
but you know you're displaced

if only you can work your magic in installing that inner compass. the way you maneuver through unfamiliar dark alleys and streets like how you do with your car, or how you put some system in other people's work, or your work at least
that is easier compared to this.
fuck.

that soul card reader had been consistently seeing roses everytime she looks at you
hell, even that chinky eyed man you vowed never to consult again said the same nice things are just around the corner for you...
or actually under your nose as we speak

you don't know whether you're just stupid, blind, deaf, unfeeling, unsensing, looking at the wrong places or just plain dead inside.
where's the unicorn? the sally frank in my sticker book of real life?
when did the music stop?
I go through the motions yet I feel that I am secretly just waiting for that moment when everything will fall into place.
I look at faces yet I really don't see people.
just abstracts floating in and out of my periphery

the throb is there again. tonight.
of all nights. when I should be doing something important. like work. 
before I fly off to my vacation.

yup. it is there. making it's presence known
making it harder for me to breathe and feel light headed.
and I am kind of fearful. because I am alone in my thoughts right now.

thanks to Manila traffic, i'm still here in the metro jungle.

trying my best to function

i haven't been writing.... obviously.
maybe it's because my thoughts are so shifty... I can't get a hold of them myself.
whether that's good or bad, i don't know.

but i guess at this point, i am in a generally happy place...
i'm saving my blog entry for the stories that I have coming from my month-long amazing workation.
full of highs, very little of the lows. to say that it was a chapter of my life that I never ever, ever, ever imagined would happen is very much close to the truth.

today, i am taking a step back from the daily grind (as if i'm back long enough to be in it)

trying to squeeze in 

the coming of a conclusion...

Almost three months ago, I was sitting in this exact table...cramming to finish my e-cornell requirements. And someone was making sure i don't sleep through it. Despite being physically apart, he made sure I felt his presence...

But then he's gone now. just. like. that.

And I guess I allowed my self to be in limbo for quite a while. Just taking all in. Refusing to grow up because I know that this isn't a simple douchebaggery episode.

And as I was flipping the pages of my spiral, i chanced upon two entries that I scribbled while I was with him...


Here goes...


thursday.
At wit's end
Not knowing where this is gonna lead me
If this is yet another dark end
or another cliff.

To say that i'm scared like hell. Not even.
Acting as if my heart is already whole
As if nothing happened short of three months ago
I'm not yet even over the Popoy timeline
Yet here I am, risking my heart again
Trippin' over my feet to offer it to a stranger
Hoping against hope that things will be
different this time around.

Is it a sin to have too much optimism
or
Is it a sin to having too much stupid

there were moments where I stop myself in midway
Finding myself in the same situation
Uncanny
Only this time around, the characters are different
The house- on the other side of the city

When will I ever learn??

friday.
I wanna be with you
Such a beautiful morning seems like a waste
if spent apart from you

Here I go again
third gearing on us.
dangit.


- THE END-

the investigative journey out of square one

13 days... i actually don't even know exactly where to start counting... at what day? a few more days from now, a few more weeks, months... it may take a whole lot longer than that...

being as old as I am, I have developed the habit of doing a post evaluation of almost all of the significant things that has happened in my life. because I know whether good or bad- there is a lesson. Something that I can take away from the crime scene. If it was good, I would need to know what made it work, what clinched the deal, what were the prerequisites... so that i can make a repeatable model out of of it. If it was bad, I would usually attack it like how a pack of wolves would pound on a coven of vampires. I am more inquisitive, more anal, more annoyingly going back and forth on the the accounts... I would want to know if my take away is true and correct- without a shadow of a doubt. At this point, I guess you can deduce that it is in my character to be extremely hard on myself. If you did, you are correct. When I make a misstep, a blame myself even in my sleep. because Im thinking, by this time, I should have been more careful, should have made smarter choices, culled the good from the ungood with more ease.... But sitting where I am right now and figuratively looking at a blank wall after so much time have elapsed, it just makes it all the more clear to me....

I am not much nearer to learning what I needed to learn to take me farther away from square one....

You meet people everyday, some new, some you've seen practically all your life. In your seemingly mundane life, you dont realize but you are constantly presented with choices... Sometimes you think you know enough about people, but when they pull a rabbit out of the hat... you find out you dont really know them at all... Much worse, you start believing that you dont know yourself that much after all...After the endless trips and falls, you start thinking if and when hope will finally run out. Because it seems that maybe, things right now are already as good as it gets... That maybe, maybe....

You should start convincing yourself to drop the search... chuck the dream... stop believing...

a piece of my mind for someone who had a piece of my heart...

I want you to read carefully. And please keep this in the forefront of your mind. All the time.

1. WHAT HAPPENED TO US IS OVER A LONG TIME AGO. Leave it in the past. To be completely honest about it, most of my memories of us are already a blur. For your enjoyment, I'll admit, I cried a lot for the first three days... But that was it. For the succeeding days and weeks, i snapped out of it, as if on cue. Now, what happened to us seemed like it never happened at all. Like a hazy dream in a different dimension. No, i dont reminisce if that's what you're thinking. I am busy making my own happy memories now. And dont think that I'm forcing it. Cold as it may sound, but that's really how it has been for quite a while now. I HAVE MOVED ON. Whether you want to acknowledge it or not.

2. I AM NOT ON A DATING FRENZY. No, i am not crazed to find a replacement of you. Bec frankly, i really dont want that. Not someone like you, anyway. And if you know me well enough like how you claim, you know that i dont go out with other guys just for the heck of it. I will never do anything that might jeopardize my self-worth and reputation. I hate wasting time. So whoever it is that I'm seeing right now definitely means a lot to me.

3. DO NOT PITY ME. I walked into our relationship with both eyes open. I know I was the third party, the dispensable part of the equation. That's a given. The integrity of your words may have been in question for one or more instance back then, but i never stopped believing in you and in us when we were together. The moment i learned about the dynamics of everything that needed to be considered, I made a decision for myself. No,  our ending was not your call. But if you wanna delude yourself, go ahead. I acknowledge the litter that I was walking away from, both eyes open. Pity should be directed to the person who doesn't even know how stinky the pit that they have been in for the longest time. Woe to them. Or her, in this case. But not to me. 

I may have bought your promises of true love and commitment then. But that doesn't make me pitiful. It just means that i naturally believe in the goodness and integrity of people. Sometimes, it's just a case of encountering a bad apple every now and then. But not all hope is lost. Some people are still worth knowing. And trusting.

4. I AM HAPPY. And it would do you well if start believing it yourself because that is the plain truth. I am grateful for my place in the world right now. More and more I see the goodness of what brought me here, to all the events that led to this. The One above really is magnanimous. I used to think that good people get trampled upon by the ungood, but I guess He was in control the entire time... I wouldn't have this much appreciation to all the things that has been happening to me had I skipped all the lessons that I needed to learn from the year that was...

5. You may stop the occasional messaging. Starting NOW. It's not because it irritates me. Because it doesn't. Not anymore. It doesn't make my heart skip a beat. Not anymore. And neither does it put a smile on my lips. Not anymore. Now, I read it with eyes of indifference... It's just a number... A message from someone that I may have encountered in the past... not even friends. Not bec I'm hurting or still pinning for you. But just bec I dont want people like you to have a part in my life, however big or small.

6. STOP "thinking of my safety" every time we suffer from storms or what nots. Don't take out your super hero complex on me. Just find another damsel in distress, I'm sure you'll find one.. Dont worry about me and my kids. We are used to dealing with life on our own. We've seen worse storms in our lives, literally and otherwise. We have each other. We are gonna be more than okay.

7. And lastly, whatever you decide to do with your life is your prerogative. Whether we're both occupying the same space, or room or country at any given time, it wouldn't matter. Bec NOTHING will ever happen between the two of us. And even if your convoluted mind would like to think that should you miraculously grow some balls in this lifetime to leave that poor excuse of a relationship and pursue me again, that we can pick up from where we left off, please snap out of it. I will never take you back. Not now. Not in the future. Not ever. No anger or shame or guilt. It's just cause you dont exist for me anymore. 

As much as I have been trying to keep to myself this whole time, I feel that it is also my duty to set some things straight. 

This is not a mud slinging contest. I am not out for blood. Or revenge. Or vindication. Or to look for more allies. I also dont think I or "us" deserve any more airtime between your convo with our common friend.  Let's just please both go back to our original corners in the world and live it the best possible way that we can.