no way...

i don't know what it is about the storm last night... but i woke up today with a resolution that i have never felt in a long, long time. somehow, in the middle of the night, my random thoughts and emotions seemed to have cinched in a common goal.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN THIS TRASH ANYMORE!
Yes, there may have been nothing extraordinary about me, what with my flaws and faults, but then I now that I deserve more than what im getting right now.
I deserve to be remembered not just on fridays.. and i definitely deserve more than a paid meal..
nope, i won't settle for that anymore...

still here...

most of the time, i tell myself that i want to end this self-inflicted pain... that id rather be alone and unhappy than have the uncertainty of him coupled with this hell ride of emotions...
most of the time, i start building up foundations of unlike for him, of why i don't need someone like that in my life, of how i have been alright existing without him, of why the bigger threat of being broken again should be enough reason for me to stay away...
i know all of that, i am not naive of the repercussions of my stupidity, of my carelessness..
and yet, when i think i have built up enough to protect myself, enough to move away at least by an inch..
i remember the look of him- and remember the gut-wrenching feeling that i get whenever i see the mischievous glint in his eyes, the lop-sided grin that seems as if it's still undecided, whether to give me just half- or the full-wide-grinned smile... the lanky walk, the artistic mix of sexy and the back-alley kind of swagger, as if he doesn't really care what you think of him, the way of speaking that commands yet can cajole if that is what the situation calls for, those big, big hands than can cover a lot of area and can give the most tender of all touches...
i am really hating myself so much this time, my mind has a "mind" of its own... not really doing what it's supposed to do. i punch the "forget" button, and it just won't obey. I punch the "move" button and its just stays where it is, not budging, despite all the commands and the warnings....
this is going to be a steep climb....

chaos, still

i talked to a close friend of mine last night, quite a lengthy conversation, i must say. well, as expected, he was scolding me for all the stupidity that i have been doing. coaching me on how to best remedy my avoidable circumstance.

he said i have every- mind the word- right to demand my place in this world in his life. just the thought of actually broaching this subject with him makes me weaker than an invalid. i don't think i can even start a conversation that would thread on this subject... i know that i should have done this a long, long time ago.... or that i shouldn't have done what i did if i was too pea-brained and chicken to open up this topic with him..

everybody talks about it as if its the most natural thing in the world for me to do. what a catastrophe! putting together two "assuming" shy people who doesn't know how to eloquently phrase their feelings and stand point in this absurd arrangement...

what my friend advised me was immediately out to the test this morning, when spent some time with him, officially. yes, it was no different form high school. still that stiff, tight-lipped girl taking my refuge at flippancy and arrogance. it can still work its magic at deluding people- even him- from how chaotic im feeling inside,but my predicament remains unsolved and untangled.

this entry is probably or less jumbled than my mind right now. no words would probably suffice...
don't expect an intro, a body and a closing thought from this one, because there won't be any. this is plainly the ramblings a very, very lost individual just tapping away at the keyboard...

hold your breath

i think im actually getting the hang of this...
putting a safe (?) distance from the edge of the cliff.
although i know too well, that i can't keep on doing this for long.
im not built this way, and i also wouldn't want to think that i have grown into a completely cold-hearted b*t@h...
i still feel the stirrings of the human emotions tugging at my heart,
hinting it to open wider and become less rigid..

right now, everything seems to be constantly turning and changing colors..
muted, vivid, colorful, sunny, dull and gray... all morphing seamlessly into one ever evolving picture....

i know that things are as fragile as a tiny porcelain tea cup right now..
the succeeding scenes all hinge on everything you say and do..

wanted to hear so much more, wanted to verify, wanted to seek out answers from him...
and yet the fear when i would finally hear all them is so overwhelming...
it may possibly be pleasant to the ears, yet the odds are that it won't.

that is the sole reason why i chose to stay in the shadows up to now...
consciously making that choice to be in limbo indefinitely..
holding my breath longer than i should have..

the farthest that i have come

three decades of existing and i did not see this coming...
up to the last minute, i didn't know that i had what it takes to finally get my ass off and make that turn off onto that dark, dark alley...

sometimes, it seems like a curse to have been born to be too much of a cerebral-over-analyzing-too-logical-for-my-own-good kind of girl...
a blessing for not being easily carried away by my forever-shifting emotions...

only a person like myself would need a weekend's worth of thinking and evaluating a situation that would have been as easy as 1-2-3 for everybody... but no, not me...
well, at least something good came out of it. when i finally decided i wanted to have it, i was so sure of my decision. i can never blame it on emotions or even hormones.

this was well thought of...
no regrets.
just that stupid looking smile on my face
and that far-off look in my eyes...

despite the distance that i have gone,
the effort that i have put up,
i never really heard the whole story.

just a glimpse of his life, of his emotions, of himself...
that will have to suffice for now...

on a dark highway...

at this point in my life, i feel as if endless doors had been opened for me...
endless possibilities that before seemed remote and not feasible seemed larger than life now ..

there are some plans that are definite, and yet there are those that i really like to play around in my mind most of the time..

moving slowly.. sometimes fast.. sometimes contemplating.. and sometimes having a devil-may-care attitude.. but what happens next is something that thrills me like a little kid on the eve of Christmas... excited to take a peek of that brightly-wrapped Christmas present... tiptoeing in the poorly illuminated living room..

yup, that is how i see myself most of the time these days..

just as the week was about to end, my opinion towards a newborn a^*hole in my life kind of shifted.. on the shortest of short notices, once again, i threw away my cares... not even thinking of the implications or the opinion of that once-branded low life...

que sera sera....
i only live one Friday night at a time...
so sue me if i want to be happy....

but despite of my being carefree and all that sh#t...
im proud to say that i still haven't done anything that i am not proud of...

still have that conservative, nun-inspired way of living ingrained in my system
whether i like it or not....
but i think that im more thankful more than ever that i was taught to live that way...
i can still proudly look at myself in the mirror...
no regrets...

from the way im living my life right now, im likened to a car driving leisurely on a dark highway...
where there is no light available, but the ones coming from my headlights...

clean slate

i finally said goodbye to my marriage of more than a decade...
never thought id live to see the day when i would utter the inevitable two (okay,make that three) -worded sentence..

probably, the Divine One from up above helped build up the situation leading to the sad closure... something He probably cooked up so that I will not make the perpetual mistake of taking everything in stride... of always putting the blame on me whenever things don't work out as it should have.

even then, whenever i find myself in situations where there was absolutely no other sensible decision to make but to leave all these sh*t and litter, i'd always have second thoughts. i would always feel guilty. Even when i knew deep down that i had bled dry of anything that i can ever give.. blood, sweat and tears.. i always ended up thinking that they could still blame me- everyone-  for not trying hard enough or not giving what was expected.... for not having enough faith to see this through...

i know so well that i can wait for a million years, and still i wouldn't have been able to make an inch of progress from where i am right now in terms of the happiness race.

i am at the point in my life where i realized the importance of every friggin' goddamn minute... that i had wasted so much of... trying to work and wait for things to get better for us...
but now I know that it will never really come to that... no matter how long i wait or how hard i try..

And no, there is nobody in my life right now... No third party to make the jump easier, no seemingly sympathetic "friend" hovering in the periphery, no trampoline to break the fall...
This is one of those things that i had to do on my own. 

But the peace that came with this newfound freedom is something that I was not able to anticipate.

for the first time in my life, i took charge.
yes. im ready to take the blame, for whatever is going to happen from this point on.
finally, i was able to take the wheel and steer it to a much better destination. To where exactly, I have no idea. 

for the longest time, i had been too scared to have a say on the most important thing that was ever given to me: 

my life...

i would like to believe that it is not too late...

for me....
to take a shot at being happy...