just breathe...

two words that i have been trying to teach myself for several moths now.

it hasnt been the easiest two years of my life.

let me think, what have i done lately?

oh, left my job at the top of the corporate ladder, left my kids in my home country, shoved all my "essentials" in two pieces of luggage and a hand carry and bought myself a first class ticket to join the love of my life in a country that is famous for having depressing weather.

not for the faint of heart.

i used to believe that i am a strong, brave, badass bitch. but this big move has definitely shaken me to the core of my being. not just once. but many, many times, with varying intensities. it's like experiencing an earthquake on top of a high rise building. trying to duck, find cover and pray at the same time. while also texting loved ones and checking twitter if indeed that was an earthquake you just felt. and like an earthquake, there are aftershocks. many. some when you think that it's already safe to go out of your safe place, it will shake so hard it really makes you thinks your life is over, or you wish it were over.

so many times these last few years that i thought nothing good can come out of my predicament at that moment.many times i toyed the thought of standing over a ledge, or on one of the pillars of erasmus bridge. to escape the feeling of despair, defeat, loneliness and just plain hopelessness.

my thoughts became so dark that i think Rik would get scared if he only got a change to take a peak on what's brewing inside...

i've searched far and wide, looking for answers, looking for explanations, and just plain looking for a way out.

but you know, the way out is really fixing the stuff inside... the stuff that i forgot to take care of over the years. i knew deep down that it was equally important. but i think being given a relatively easy life lately, i  let go of being mindful, prayerful and just being plain aware that i am indeed blessed.

so far, i am slowly charting my way back to finding myself, caring for the inner me. so that i can better take care of others. be a better person, partner, parent and all around human being.

i have also braved the wilderness of making new friends... i think it's about time. i cannot keep on just being with rik or his family. i needed to try harder. for myself. for my sanity.

and now as i sit here on one of the dining table chairs, reflecting on what my life has been since the big move, i cant help but be overwhelmed with so much emotions. but i think the strongest of all would be the feeling of just being proud of myself. 

that i am still here.

still standing or at least trying to stand tall.

still with a cheerful albeit quivering with fear heart

still ready to show and give kindness even when my circumstances havent been the most ideal. kindness because i always keep it in my pocket.

still ready to find hope in every morning. to show up. to report to life. scratches, bruises, crutches and all.

i have taken the long way. but i know i am almost there...

breathe...

Dropping a line to say Hi to 2015 me

three years after my last entry...
my, oh my... how life has changed.

i went through my old blog entries...
no mater how many times i have read it over the past couple of years going in and out of this website, it stlill gives me that familiar feeling of amusement, mixed with a bit of melancholy, a bit of pride... and for some few entries, a bit of confusion.

this blog really proves that time dilutes most, if not all feelings...
i remember seeing a picture of me in my mind, tapping vigorously at the keyboard, noisy as always, feeding all my emotions into my post. doing my best tp describe my usual foggy thoughts & tumultuous dispostiion

fast forward to a couple of years, i cannot even find a remote memory of what i was talking/dramatizing about. and i sure as hell know that i thought back then it was the most important thing. and something that will forever be etched in my memory.

guess what, 2015 me... it's gone now. whether you want to remember or not.... it's gone.

i guess the brain is such a beautiful self-maintaining machine. such sophisticated IOS
deleting stuff that won't serve you well in the future. trying to free up space for more good things, good thoughts and good memories to come....

and to be honest, it's been a good life since then.
after that feeling of being lost, of being in limbo, of being dead inside...
i just really needed to become barren.
probably to kill every bit of toxicity that has grown in my mind and in my heart for those last couple of years.
i had to purge it all away. kill everything so that i can start anew. so that good things can start to grow under all that rubble
and that was exactly what happened.

when i read all the entries that i have written ever since i started this blog, i only have brief memories of everything. of how it was always on the verge of crashing down, all my attempts at happiness & love. there was so much drama and pain and hurt.
in my attempt to get what i want the most, i didn't realize that loving has to start within.

most of my (mis)adventures all led me to heartbreak. to that point wherein i never got chosen. never given much value. never became good enough.

but maybe, i allowed all of it to happen. i unknowingly gave people permission to treat me badly, because i thought i was already damaged/imperfect/good for whatever is left for me then.... and that led me through a number of years and relationships of being deprioritized by the people that i gave so much importance to.

i suffered a lot. yes.
but thankfully, i graduated from a the mess as well.

my life is so much different now.
my heart is overflowing with gratitude for this beautiful life that never ceases to amaze me on a daily basis.

a ghost in the coffeeshop

Dont get me wrong...
i'm over him. a long. time. ago.

i felt hurt, so many times over and over with this person.
and probably in one of the corners of my sick mind, i am able to look past that.
and see the other side of our history.

how we pretty much have the same wavelength
laugh at the same jokes
like the same stuff
and for a little while back there, we thought we found the real thing.

but then, i have to look at the past squarely in the face
and not through honey-glazed stares
it wasn't good, heck, it wasn't fair.
yes, it was probably not intentional, but still this heart of mine did suffer a couple of bruises. and cuts.

it has healed obviously.
and got to be in a better condition than how he left it.

and i think, because of that, i am able to look at him in the eye without bitterness
without hate
without wishing him ill fate

bad things had to happen
hurt had to take place

i am who i have chosen myself to be right now.
i have found so many new treasures mainly because of how i have meta morphed into the new me

his part in my life is over. my life is not.

post penang

i have to try
to learn to be happy again...

a year ago, i started this journey
and i would like to believe that I succeeded.
with flying colors.
until I met you.

i have to try
to walk with my own two feet again
and it makes me cringe at the thought
that i feel dismembered
after such a brief encounter

a week ago, i started to think that maybe
i can find it in my heart
to be less afraid
to be less guarded
to be less analytical

i have to try
to be brave
to face whatever might come out of this
too old to hide under the sheets
if it's not worth getting an upset stomach over
it's not worth it, right?

this should've been a happy day.
two words. SHOULD. HAVE.

but it's not.
turns out, the one thing that's making me happy is turned inside out by another person.
meaning my MOM.

knowing

you know you're in love when you wake up way before your alarm goes off

when you can't wait to jump out of bed, take a shower and stand for an eternity in front of your closet

deciding

whether to go classic corporate, sweet conservative or girl next door white shirt ripped jeans kinda girl

half of the time you're anticipating how his eyes will light up the moment he sees your look

and how hard he'll try to come up with a wordy compliment without sounding like an over eager adolescent.

(he has to keep the cool guy persona, of course.)

you know you're in love when your makeup is him

the blush is courtesy of thoughts of him and you running through your head,
the first time you locked your gazes with each other,
the first time you hesitantly reached out to touch him,
the first time you said yes without the use of words...
the first few moments of sweet surrender...
yup, those lines of thought can definitely make you blush down to your toes

your eye makeup is perfect, putting that flattering crease at the corners of your eyes whenever you smile, which is quite often these days

your strobing technique to make that skin on your face glow on all the right places?
it is a reflection of his beam  of light on your face,
he is the sunrise and the sunset rolled into one, anyway
your lipstick is that exact shade of crimson as a result of constant biting of the lips to keep yourself from smiling too damn much 

your hair is perfectly arranged in disarray
combed expertly by his fingers, in a fashion so sexy yet so exclusive only to you

and your cologne... pheromones... concentrated. customized.
just. for. HIM.

you know you're in love when you can't wait for everyone important in your life to meet him

and to hear them loving the same things you actually fell for.

and when he had to go back home,

you know you're in love when geographical lines blur in insignifance

that 12000 miles is just a number 

and LDR is a perfectly functional arrangement

when time zones are but a matter of perspective, you get the sun, he gets the moon,

tomorrow you're gonna do a swap, you're both under the same sky, anyway

and when you start believing that weeks and months have wings.

and you convince yourself that yes, they will fly by

you know you're in love when everytime you hear the word Seat Sale,

you imagine it is God's voice giving you His blessing to pack your bags and go see him

you know you're in love when airplane is a tool of getting nearer to him

and oceans are just bodies of water

viber, whatapp, imessage is a gift of the heavens

you know you're in love when you'd rather go home early than go out on a seemingly harmless dinner with a "friend" because you'd rather eat alone than have the risk of running into someone who might mistake you for being unfaithful

you know you're in love when you hate the people who can see him on a daily basis,
even those people who accidentally brushes past him on his way to work, the subway, the gym,
the newspaper stand, or the guy who serves him his morning coffee in his favorite starbucks.
you hate those faceless, nameless people
but you would trade places with in a heartbeat,
just to be in their shoes,
just to have the chance to be at arm's length with him again.

you know you're in love when you leap to his defense the moment your friends start questioning
his motives,
his character,
his sense of humor,
his unbelievably perfect physique,
his opinions,
your seemingly new opinions,
your compatibility with each other,
your loyalty to him

you stop thinking of him as a person, but as a part of you.

and somehow, you develop the need to protect him

you know you're love when that brilliant brain of yours stops working and becomes alien to logic

and you start becoming best friends with the tooth fairy, peter pan, santa claus, the genie in the bottle.....

and you start hoping again, praying that this time,

this round belongs to you

of course, you have no way of knowing if this is your happily every after

but one thing's for sure....

you know you're in love when you leave your cynical self in the past..

you know you're in love when once again, you start believing...
in forever...

deadly

you know that lull...
that slightest throb in the hollows of your heart? not really that much of a sting to make it a legit ache.
sometimes, it's there... tugging at you. making your insides feel a little bit heavier than usual
like gum sticking on your shoe, making your steps seem like that of a slow motion scene in a movie.

sometimes, you can't even seem to remember which exact part of your heart you felt it.
and you wonder...
if you ever just made it up in the first place.
like maybe it's a product of being overly dramatic 

you stare across the second floor of a busy coffeeshop, yet you feel so alone
not that you want to be with anyone in particular
but you know you're displaced

if only you can work your magic in installing that inner compass. the way you maneuver through unfamiliar dark alleys and streets like how you do with your car, or how you put some system in other people's work, or your work at least
that is easier compared to this.
fuck.

that soul card reader had been consistently seeing roses everytime she looks at you
hell, even that chinky eyed man you vowed never to consult again said the same nice things are just around the corner for you...
or actually under your nose as we speak

you don't know whether you're just stupid, blind, deaf, unfeeling, unsensing, looking at the wrong places or just plain dead inside.
where's the unicorn? the sally frank in my sticker book of real life?
when did the music stop?
I go through the motions yet I feel that I am secretly just waiting for that moment when everything will fall into place.
I look at faces yet I really don't see people.
just abstracts floating in and out of my periphery

the throb is there again. tonight.
of all nights. when I should be doing something important. like work. 
before I fly off to my vacation.

yup. it is there. making it's presence known
making it harder for me to breathe and feel light headed.
and I am kind of fearful. because I am alone in my thoughts right now.