too painful

The last time that i walked out of his house was wednesday. It is a saturday today. I can barely imagine how i managed to live through the succeeding days of my life. How i managed to get home, how i ws able to pull off a presentation, how i was even able to finish and focus on two movies.
The steady ache that i feel is just much too painful for me to bear.
All the memories that we had are playing on repeat through my head.
But this time, i know that for him, it dont mean anything.
I had stayed that long in his life because i allowed myself to accept that kind of stupid arrangement. I thought i had just been my imagination wreaking havoc on my sanity. But my intution was right. I never meant anything to him. It was all a case of what was most convenient for him. And it hurts like hell to realize that.
I was never gonna be good enough for him. I was nver a part of his life. Just an accessory to a machine. It would function with or without the accessory. Not important.

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cooking for two...

Im still partly full from the big meal that we prepared yesterday. Most of it done for the first time. And i must say, the result was more than decent tasting.
Looking back...
I love grocery shopping with you. Any outsider would think that we are a newly married couple. Both full of excitement for life. Both giggly. Both content on pushing the cart side-by-side with each other.
I love cooking with you. We both hate dirty counter tops. We share the comfortable silence while you chop the onions and i mash the potatoes. We both anticipate how gooey the cheese will become on top of the french onion soup.
I love eating with you. After the exhaustion of preparing a meal, we grade it with the eye of a critic. We praise and applaud what we'vr done. Then, we could hardly stand up straight. Over fullness of the belly.
I love watching you sleep. After a full meal and a full day. I love just being tangled with you on the couch watching through the windows as the sun go down. Wondering how other people have spent their saturday. Saying to myself that i woudnt have spent mine any other way.
I love the way you try to like having coffee and desert with me. Even if you'd rather be home resting. Trying to make everything seem normal with you eventhough you look like you're about to hit the floor. Still thinking on how make me feel thought of.
I love being with you. At whatever point in the day. Doing whatever.
You make me happy.
No need to analyze things.
I jst wanna be happy with you.
Because i am.

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saved!

I hate it when you do that.
You always keep me outta trouble.
But then, it has an affinity to me.
You take care of me when im sick.
You give me every little good thing.
You eat with me eventhough you dislike my taste.
You act like my doctor and monitor my health.
You look out for me.
You keep me safe.
You make me happy.

You do not have an OFFICIAL place in my life.
But i sure am glad that you are there.
You can stay there as long as you want to.

For all the moments that you took it upon yourself to look aftr me... thank you...

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the end

I finally got tired.
Tired of getting scared.
Tired of being constantly followed with the feeling of dread...
As it wakes up my slumber and puts me to sleep at night.
Im hurting... terribly.
This is the beginning of the end.

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clarity.... at last

now, more than ever....
i have come to realize with utmost clarity tht this negativity has got to stop. NOW!
im just a few steps from losing one of the best things that ever came my way.

last december, i prayed deeply for this. i asked, begged for that BIG guy up above to give me this one chance, one fair chance of trying to make this work.
one time.
one chance.
devoid of the ugliness that came along with it. of all the complexities. of all the complcations.

fast forward to the present time, and all im doing is wallowing in self-pity. putting myself as an easy target to all the demons and evil vibes... threatening to ruin what i most hoped for. prayed for.

i guess, for the longest time, i had been on the verge of making myself do an all-or nothing decision. had spent countless hours going through the past few weeks. mostly happy, blissful to be exact. trying to find fault, trying to lok for a crack, trying to build on a case that wasnt even there in the first place.

but, i guess, timing is everything. it had been revealed to me, at least. it is clear. the haze has gone.

it had been me and my stupid fears playing tricks on me. and none of them are anyhting close to being funny.

i want to post this. to immortalize this moment where i realized where i am. and more importantly, where i want to go. and possibly some clue on how to go about it.
so that somewhere along the way, i might forget about this momentous occasion, when i go looneycrazy again, i just have to glue my eyes on this entry.

this should suffice.

all i have to do is undo the damage and make up for the craziness that i had done in the past few weeks....

hope its not to late....

how come i never learn????

how can i possibly move on from where i am?
when i couldn't even begin to have the answer to my questiuon of.... "where to?"

i feel traped yet i know that it is only i who can grant myself freedom.

i couldnt blame that other person because i walked willingly into this mess
albeit, was even happy and full of giddyness when this all started..

he had been consistent.
me, on the other hand, had been otherwise.

panic and negativity had been constantly greeting me up in the mornings and lulling me to sleep. the past three months had been too ingrained in my memory, that it kind of kept my foot glued to that part of my life. scenes of bleak nights and walking alone in the corridors are like post-its that keep on flying in floating in front of my face.

still couldn't find it in my heart to do the right and most obvious thing.
darn stupid.

probably because i see his efforts...
we may not be made of the same stuff, act on diferent modes but i do not want to lose sight of everything. even the most trivial stuff...

i wanna do what's right for me... for him... for our future...
but then, do i even know between what is right from wrong?

my excuse = pms :-\

Before i knew what was coming, i had already been b*tchin' and becoming extra difficult. I started feeling and saying things i wouldn't normally do. It was pretty harsg being the recepient of my mood swings.
All the while i ws justifying my "antics".
It had been unfair to him.
But now I appreciate him more than ever... :-)

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