saved!

I hate it when you do that.
You always keep me outta trouble.
But then, it has an affinity to me.
You take care of me when im sick.
You give me every little good thing.
You eat with me eventhough you dislike my taste.
You act like my doctor and monitor my health.
You look out for me.
You keep me safe.
You make me happy.

You do not have an OFFICIAL place in my life.
But i sure am glad that you are there.
You can stay there as long as you want to.

For all the moments that you took it upon yourself to look aftr me... thank you...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

the end

I finally got tired.
Tired of getting scared.
Tired of being constantly followed with the feeling of dread...
As it wakes up my slumber and puts me to sleep at night.
Im hurting... terribly.
This is the beginning of the end.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

clarity.... at last

now, more than ever....
i have come to realize with utmost clarity tht this negativity has got to stop. NOW!
im just a few steps from losing one of the best things that ever came my way.

last december, i prayed deeply for this. i asked, begged for that BIG guy up above to give me this one chance, one fair chance of trying to make this work.
one time.
one chance.
devoid of the ugliness that came along with it. of all the complexities. of all the complcations.

fast forward to the present time, and all im doing is wallowing in self-pity. putting myself as an easy target to all the demons and evil vibes... threatening to ruin what i most hoped for. prayed for.

i guess, for the longest time, i had been on the verge of making myself do an all-or nothing decision. had spent countless hours going through the past few weeks. mostly happy, blissful to be exact. trying to find fault, trying to lok for a crack, trying to build on a case that wasnt even there in the first place.

but, i guess, timing is everything. it had been revealed to me, at least. it is clear. the haze has gone.

it had been me and my stupid fears playing tricks on me. and none of them are anyhting close to being funny.

i want to post this. to immortalize this moment where i realized where i am. and more importantly, where i want to go. and possibly some clue on how to go about it.
so that somewhere along the way, i might forget about this momentous occasion, when i go looneycrazy again, i just have to glue my eyes on this entry.

this should suffice.

all i have to do is undo the damage and make up for the craziness that i had done in the past few weeks....

hope its not to late....

how come i never learn????

how can i possibly move on from where i am?
when i couldn't even begin to have the answer to my questiuon of.... "where to?"

i feel traped yet i know that it is only i who can grant myself freedom.

i couldnt blame that other person because i walked willingly into this mess
albeit, was even happy and full of giddyness when this all started..

he had been consistent.
me, on the other hand, had been otherwise.

panic and negativity had been constantly greeting me up in the mornings and lulling me to sleep. the past three months had been too ingrained in my memory, that it kind of kept my foot glued to that part of my life. scenes of bleak nights and walking alone in the corridors are like post-its that keep on flying in floating in front of my face.

still couldn't find it in my heart to do the right and most obvious thing.
darn stupid.

probably because i see his efforts...
we may not be made of the same stuff, act on diferent modes but i do not want to lose sight of everything. even the most trivial stuff...

i wanna do what's right for me... for him... for our future...
but then, do i even know between what is right from wrong?

my excuse = pms :-\

Before i knew what was coming, i had already been b*tchin' and becoming extra difficult. I started feeling and saying things i wouldn't normally do. It was pretty harsg being the recepient of my mood swings.
All the while i ws justifying my "antics".
It had been unfair to him.
But now I appreciate him more than ever... :-)

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

I suddenly remembered...

Hot tears came down my cheeks. Fat droplets that can tell a lot about pain, rejection and whole lot of hurt.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Hell ride journey..... a few kilometers away...

I found my rebirth last September 20, 2010...
A considerable amount of time had passed since then. I can confidently say that I grew up by leaps and bounds. I learned to face so many monsters lurking beneath the shadows. I learned to charter on those areas where I thought only the brave dare go...

Ive done the most stupidest (yes, super duper superlative) of things, the most trivial, the most unthinkable ways of venting out anger, frustration, fear and yes.... misery, included.

I am almost way past driving in the middle of the night through the highway with steady, fat streaks of tears going down my cheeks, almost blurrying my vision of the road (literally & figuratively).

I am almost way past shouting to the top of my lungs all the vexation and bitterness that I felt, the injustice and unfair treatment that was given to me, all the questions that actually deserved and needed an answer....

I am almost way past the BP mode, heart beat racing in an unbelievale pace, hyperventilating, mind going blank, vision going black....

I am almost way past having my happiness being dependent on THAT single person, on how much time I will be allotted to be with him, on what we'll be doing, on what movie we'll be watching, on what kind of food we'll be adventuring on, on what topic we will be arguing over, on what song we'll be singing and dancing to, on what kind of dream we'll be fantasizing about......

I am almost there in moving past the pain and looking at it in positive light....

I am almost there in admittng that it never had been real 100% of the time, neither for him nor for me...

I am almost there in being able to resist an opportunity to be with that person again...knowing full well, that it is a losing situtation from start to finish. Knowing full well, that it would only bring me nothing but a continuous source of pain, and possibly, an unbelievable amount of anguish....

I am almost there in realizing that it will never, ever be truly a happy ending....

I am almost there in realizing tht no matter how much effort you put into a relationship, how much compassion and understanding you give a person, it never will never really be a guarantee that it will be reciprocated.... and that love will never be enough to heal a broken person...

I am almost there in realizing that he should be seen for what I perceived him to be from the very start. I was never wrong... I saw a glitch in the personality, the inconsistencies, the harshness of the character, the lack of genuine love for others....
I saw that and yet I chose to be true to what I am made of.... always believing in the silver lining of every person's character... always trying to dig deep through the layers of a person's outlook... trying to understand the WHYs and the HOW COMEs.... thinking and trying to come up with the best valid reason on why everyone deserves to be loved and understood.....

I do not regret doing what I did...
It made me learn so much about the humanity, about myself, about the world around me and how it works....


I learned how so many people, really and truly love me...
I learned that I tend to take so many things, people and myself for granted....

I discovered so many new joys and old "happiness chests"...
I learned how to revel in my humongous appetite...
I learned how to savor every small and single detail of being in my room... with my kids...
I regained the bounce in my step, eventhough, now... no one is walking beside me...

I learned how to regain fore and hindsight..
I learned how to appreciate my job, no matter how sucky and draining it is... it gave me the distraction I needed when I needed it most and it will give me the momentum i need when I take myself to a higher level ....

I had a lot of take-outs....
I gained so much more from everything...

Now, all im asking from myself is to go on second gear....
Digest these stuff.... chew it slowly ...
Dont let it go to waste.... Every pain and joy that I had to go through was a prerequisite to the succeeding chapters in my life...
Everything had to happen...
Lessons had to be taught & learned....
My "hell ride" is almost over..
Let me just take a few deep breaths, the next "exit" is almost there beyond the next bend in the road.....