knowing

you know you're in love when you wake up way before your alarm goes off

when you can't wait to jump out of bed, take a shower and stand for an eternity in front of your closet

deciding

whether to go classic corporate, sweet conservative or girl next door white shirt ripped jeans kinda girl

half of the time you're anticipating how his eyes will light up the moment he sees your look

and how hard he'll try to come up with a wordy compliment without sounding like an over eager adolescent.

(he has to keep the cool guy persona, of course.)

you know you're in love when your makeup is him

the blush is courtesy of thoughts of him and you running through your head,
the first time you locked your gazes with each other,
the first time you hesitantly reached out to touch him,
the first time you said yes without the use of words...
the first few moments of sweet surrender...
yup, those lines of thought can definitely make you blush down to your toes

your eye makeup is perfect, putting that flattering crease at the corners of your eyes whenever you smile, which is quite often these days

your strobing technique to make that skin on your face glow on all the right places?
it is a reflection of his beam  of light on your face,
he is the sunrise and the sunset rolled into one, anyway
your lipstick is that exact shade of crimson as a result of constant biting of the lips to keep yourself from smiling too damn much 

your hair is perfectly arranged in disarray
combed expertly by his fingers, in a fashion so sexy yet so exclusive only to you

and your cologne... pheromones... concentrated. customized.
just. for. HIM.

you know you're in love when you can't wait for everyone important in your life to meet him

and to hear them loving the same things you actually fell for.

and when he had to go back home,

you know you're in love when geographical lines blur in insignifance

that 12000 miles is just a number 

and LDR is a perfectly functional arrangement

when time zones are but a matter of perspective, you get the sun, he gets the moon,

tomorrow you're gonna do a swap, you're both under the same sky, anyway

and when you start believing that weeks and months have wings.

and you convince yourself that yes, they will fly by

you know you're in love when everytime you hear the word Seat Sale,

you imagine it is God's voice giving you His blessing to pack your bags and go see him

you know you're in love when airplane is a tool of getting nearer to him

and oceans are just bodies of water

viber, whatapp, imessage is a gift of the heavens

you know you're in love when you'd rather go home early than go out on a seemingly harmless dinner with a "friend" because you'd rather eat alone than have the risk of running into someone who might mistake you for being unfaithful

you know you're in love when you hate the people who can see him on a daily basis,
even those people who accidentally brushes past him on his way to work, the subway, the gym,
the newspaper stand, or the guy who serves him his morning coffee in his favorite starbucks.
you hate those faceless, nameless people
but you would trade places with in a heartbeat,
just to be in their shoes,
just to have the chance to be at arm's length with him again.

you know you're in love when you leap to his defense the moment your friends start questioning
his motives,
his character,
his sense of humor,
his unbelievably perfect physique,
his opinions,
your seemingly new opinions,
your compatibility with each other,
your loyalty to him

you stop thinking of him as a person, but as a part of you.

and somehow, you develop the need to protect him

you know you're love when that brilliant brain of yours stops working and becomes alien to logic

and you start becoming best friends with the tooth fairy, peter pan, santa claus, the genie in the bottle.....

and you start hoping again, praying that this time,

this round belongs to you

of course, you have no way of knowing if this is your happily every after

but one thing's for sure....

you know you're in love when you leave your cynical self in the past..

you know you're in love when once again, you start believing...
in forever...

deadly

you know that lull...
that slightest throb in the hollows of your heart? not really that much of a sting to make it a legit ache.
sometimes, it's there... tugging at you. making your insides feel a little bit heavier than usual
like gum sticking on your shoe, making your steps seem like that of a slow motion scene in a movie.

sometimes, you can't even seem to remember which exact part of your heart you felt it.
and you wonder...
if you ever just made it up in the first place.
like maybe it's a product of being overly dramatic 

you stare across the second floor of a busy coffeeshop, yet you feel so alone
not that you want to be with anyone in particular
but you know you're displaced

if only you can work your magic in installing that inner compass. the way you maneuver through unfamiliar dark alleys and streets like how you do with your car, or how you put some system in other people's work, or your work at least
that is easier compared to this.
fuck.

that soul card reader had been consistently seeing roses everytime she looks at you
hell, even that chinky eyed man you vowed never to consult again said the same nice things are just around the corner for you...
or actually under your nose as we speak

you don't know whether you're just stupid, blind, deaf, unfeeling, unsensing, looking at the wrong places or just plain dead inside.
where's the unicorn? the sally frank in my sticker book of real life?
when did the music stop?
I go through the motions yet I feel that I am secretly just waiting for that moment when everything will fall into place.
I look at faces yet I really don't see people.
just abstracts floating in and out of my periphery

the throb is there again. tonight.
of all nights. when I should be doing something important. like work. 
before I fly off to my vacation.

yup. it is there. making it's presence known
making it harder for me to breathe and feel light headed.
and I am kind of fearful. because I am alone in my thoughts right now.