u-turn

i went for coffee for four times today.. i had all the coffee that i can ever drink.
during one coffee break today, i remembered the conversation that i had with my friend. discussing as usual about our nonexistent love lives, i told her that the reason why i'm probably almost crazy and irrational in dealing with this particular person, was because, i never got him to pursue me.. i mean, i was never able to make him like me completely, truly and .... madly???? hahaha
i guess i'm still standing on the same spot where he left me two years ago (geez, it's been that long??!). still dazed and effing confused... despite my seniority, he still and probably will always make me feel like a child... always wanting and failing to second guess what his next move would be.. never really knowing what he genuinely think of so many things... always managing to wreak havoc in my disposition and, yes, my life also..
i know that i'm sounding overacting and going a bit too far in my rantings, but then, this is the only thing that i can do to lessen the frustration that i'm feeling right now...
and what i hate most about myself, is that whenever i like a person too damn much, when & if the time will come that i sense that the feelings will be reciprocated... i get cold feet... and i mean, freaking ice cold feet.. i run like hell.. stupid..
pinning for something so hard yet not even brave enough to stick out my neck for it..
guess i'm just so in love with the "chase".. and when the chase is nearing it's dead end, i just turn around and head the other way...

i have a name for this condition

finally, without being diagnosed by a true medical doctor, i found the name for the condition that i suffer from whenever it get to spend a significant amount of time with a particular person... It's called "#@$%*shock"... just like the earthquake's aftershock, this kind of feeling will leave you feeling sleepy and useless the whole day after, 50% of the brain is useless, 75% of the body is also malfunctioning, most of the time finding it's way to the bed and has a tendency to hibernate until the sun is about to go down..
there are no known medications to treat this condition, no over-the-counter pill discovered yet to alleviate the episodes of blank stares, hot-headedness and laziness... sometimes a shake of the head, a slap on the face or a bangin' of head on the wall will hasten the recovery time of the patient..
these manifestations usually start to decrease after 24 hours, but, if symptom's persist, consult a true friend...

i hate this part

i hate the morning afters...
waking up from such a great night is a classic anticlimax..
can't say im complaining
i love being with him...
but then again, he will never see me the way i see him..

guess, i just have to learn to be content in my place in this world.
to be given what i have been getting..
others have much, much less to be thankful for & much, much more to be worried about.
i really hate this part...

in the middle of the night...

sometimes, you stop and think... and i mean really think...
is there ever really a way of knowing if the person snoring right beside you, was the one you're meant to spend the rest of your days with???
so many quarrels and misunderstandings have come and gone.. and you're dying to know...
when can you really say that you've reached the end of the road?

i have often used the century-old excuse of the binding power of matrimony, and the altruistic path of raising children having both parents...

happiness have always been an elusive guest in my life. sometimes, just stopping by for a minute... coming in just to have coffee... but almost never staying for a couple of days...

i have always been visited by his cousin, hope and it's sister patience... they usually stay for quite a while... sometimes, they move in with me to stay quite longer than they do with other people. don't get me wrong, but i love those two dearly...

sometimes, i get bolder than usual and invite Freedom to come live with me... no such luck, though...

he just sent me a message through our common friend Anticipation, saying "someday, i'll finally reside with you... when the time is right... when the innocent will not get hurt.."

i hold on to that promise...

never cut what can be untangled

my attitude towards a lot of things have changed a lot as i matured.. i have become less antagonistic and more rational. I always try as much as i can to see things from different angles. Because I believe that there is no one made inherently evil. Evrybody has goodness in them, one way or another, you just have to know how to ignite that spark in them.

i learned yet again last night that there are still some bases that i have to cover. still slacking in the UNDERSTANDING department, still need to learn to be more patient in dealing with overemotional 20 something girls.

what i enjoyed most last time was being with someone that thought i had lost a long time ago. i thought that the "friendship" was way over. surprisingly, it was the first time that i saw him to be really having a good time, upping up the notch, so to speak. I was so happy to see him being happy with us, genuinely happy...

our friendship was close to extinct about a month ago, barely even acknowledging each other's presence. not even a slight tip of the head. both of us nursing a different set of hurtful prejudice against each other. not even bothering to clear the air.

but good comes to those who wait. timing is everything. and it was as if a vacuum had sucked out all the negativity between the two of us. Right now,looking at our friendship from where it is right now, i can say that i wouldn't allow something like that to happen again. I ain't gonna let pride get in the way. I have too much to loose.... a treasured friend.

one step at a time by jordin sparks

"it's gonna happen when it's supposed to happen..."
i think that if there's ultimately one thing in this world that i have been taught so much of, that is learning to wait....
nothing good can ever come from something that was forced or prematurely acquired... it doesn't matter if were talking about your favorite dish, your newest masterpiece or your partner's feelings... everything must be made with care and all in good time...
no reason is great enough to rush something as important as life..
sometimes, i forget.. i commit the unforgivable deed of forcing what i want... and in the end, I am the one shaking my head in dismay, either from embarassment, guilt or more often than not, hurt..
we are the ones who get hurt the most when we force ourselves on things that are not supposed to be ours at that particular point in time.. we get hurt by disappointment, usually....
if you think waiting sucks, wait till you fall flat on your face with embarassment when your claiming something you can't have but what you thought was yours all along.
waiting should also walk hand in hand with a good attitude...
wait-ers who tap their foot on the floor and watch the time of the clock tick by, get more frustrated by the minute..
there are still so many things that can keep you happy while your waiting. it is not as if your life is hinged on that particular event...
i see a lot of my friends, hoping with weary eyes, just waiting for one event that they think can make them happy...
but no matter how much i talk about patience, they will not learn how to wait until they have been taught by LIFE itself... i just wish there were more things that i can do to lessen their sadness...

as i turn 30....

i had a great 30th bithday...

it was something that i had been dreading for the longest time... like a little child afraid ofwhat is lurking underneath her bed at night... i got one of the biggest surprises of my life.
a few hours even before my birthday officially came, i received so many nice and wonderful greetings from my family and not-so-close friends.
it gave me a warm feeling to be remembered by these people, even though i think i made such a small contribution in enriching their lives.
i felt teary eyed and felt some minor constirctrions on my chest area.
i was prepared to do tons of work for the day ahead that was my birthday, and work it was...

all day long, my work got several interruptions from well wishers that really made my heart swell. at the end of the day, i had a hard time finding a ride home.. but it didn't matter, i felt happy...
it didn't matter that inconvenience walked me home..

i was overflowing with gratitude and joy.. i felt so at peace for my place in tis world.. i was probably dreading the worst that's why i was able to put evrything, every little thing, in perspective..

i'm still far off from reaching my desired destination in the corporate ladder.. but i was happy, happy to be at least in the running, happy that i still have the energy to compete, to perfect my craft, to prove my worth as a professional and as a person...

i may have displeased a handful of people in my workplace, but their insignificance is just not enough to throw me off balance..

i felt so blessed by being the recepient of such overflowing love that was given my way by friends and family....

my family, my happy imperfect family, who can be easily misunderstood by outsiders. i can nver imagine going through my tumultous thirty years of existence without them... the epitome of unconditional love.. i seldom air my angst and frustration to them fearful of adding to their burden and concerns, but their existence was enough to help unbuckle my knees during the long haul... their hands would surprisingly pull me out of the murky waters from where i always managed to get myself into...

and of course, how can i not mention my friends, those crazy people who pose as mature individuals, who collectively contradict each other... they have been the source of so many toasts and festering... strength in numbers... no man or woman shall be alone as long as they have friends...

as i turn thirty, i shall forever have this vivid memory etched in my heart... that this significant birthday made me realize the so many good things that i have and that i may still have...

the future hold so much promise for me...
i never thought that being thirty would be this good!!!